Your being away for a while has helped...kind of. I am easily over you, but then again I am a mess. Also, I have given up so many bad habits. So that could be the reason for my mess. I look for you, and you never come, and I am okay with that; but secretly it kills me...

A New Heart

If I could have one wish today it would be that I had a new heart. I do not have a physical heart conditional but an emotional one. I am tied and twisted up in troubled viens of deceit and lust. I am selfish, proud, and everything my mother warned me that I would be. I want what I can't have. I may know my limits most of the time, and I step back to leave the desires of my heart alone, it's killing me. My viens are suffocating. They are on the verge of not pumping the correct amount of blood to my heart and causing a heart attack. I can barely breathe on rainy days. I miss the desires of my heart on snow fallen days, cold days, and dark days. I miss the wind in my hair and the sun on his face. If I could just lie next to him and fall asleep and wake up with a new healed heart that had no desire to hold him so close to it, I would die for it. Can I wake up from this coma that I am in, please?? I am trapped inside my own mind, body, and heart. It will not stay this way, I will explode. I will make a fool of myself, or hurt something, or someone elses heart....
This is killing me softly....for now.
I love him, everyday, more and more.
If I could have one wish today it would be to receive a new heart that feels nothing for you.

Like it was through a window I could see you.
When you leaned over I could see your face.
When you were not looking at me, I gazed in your direction.
When your eyes wondered, I wondered if they found me gazing...
So I looked down, and away, and covered my face with hair.
When we left the room, I would glance to make sure I was ahead of you.
When you left, I made sure that I didn't turn to see you walking towards the door, but I watched you walk away.
I wonder when this will stop.
I wonder when I will get over you, get over it, whatever this is.
my heart sinks every day and I am tired, I miss you

I miss you, even today...the rain is coming in, and it's cold...and I miss you.

Wish that I could tell you this, but you don't even know.

Time can heal a broken heart, but only love can heal a broken soul....

Your eyes

Today my eyes met your eyes, and I couldn't stand it. It made me shudder in pain. I can't stand this much longer. Maybe I can, but I feel I could break at any moment. I am tired. I am ready to tell you. But only when you are ready to hear. I think you may be getting the idea...I hope that you are anyway. I feel cold. i am getting cold. I could be melted in one instant though. Given the chance I could fall all over again. I said hello. But I wanted to say more, even though i ran off looking like I was on a mission and in a hurry. I did this because it hurts too much. I have fallen for a man that I cannot have and I am getting weak. I won't say anything because I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to be stupid. I am feeling stupid... this is all my fault, I have brought all of this stress upon myself and it is just plain stupid. but I wish I could just runall of it by you and and know how you feel...

I saw you today...for the first time in a while...I couldn't make eye contact with you. I am sorry. I set myself up for a ton of hurt, pain, and embarrassment. I feel like a complete idiot around you now. I am fat, annoying, and a burden to everyone around me. Those beautiful crystal eyes of yours should never look into mine. I am incredibly sad. O my God, I miss you!
I can't stand this. I don't know that I can ever talk to you again. It's nothing you did, just everything I dreamed and let fail. I wish I knew if you ever read this. I don't think that you do...but I wish that someday, you would just happen upon it again. That you read it and be amazed with what you read and that you would take the time to find me and hold me.
Why am I so fucking comsumed you??
I hate me....I miss you...God, I hate that I miss you!

It's raining outside today, and I miss him. I really miss him. I hope that he is happy wherever he is today. I really can't wait to just be able to see him again...even if it is just across the room. Why, God? Why do I miss him soo much?
These feelings are not fair. None of this seems fair. I just want to walk away and forget...but then again, I don't.

So after writing things out and "talking" things through so to speak through my blog, I have realized two things. I am never going to have a chance with said love, and again, must reiterrate that I have a happy man in my life willing to stay with me even though I feel slightly buried in this body. He seems to love me still and I never know why.

I am getting over it....very slowly, but surely! Doesn't change a bit how I have felt. It does however make my life a bit easier knowing that I live for a purpose.

That is really all that I can say today...not many words today.
Everything happens for a reason! (sigh)

This is it. I am writing it as if he were reading it. I hope that he does. It's time that I write him a letter. It's time that he knew.
Dear Love,

You have no idea how far my love goes for you. You cannot fathom that it could have happened so quickly and that I could be so sure of it. But know this, I am. Sure as the day that I was born, my love for you is real. I have been struggling for the last week terribly. The news of your recent engagement has made me realize that reality is about to set in once again. I'm sitting in your spot at Starbucks. The one you often would sit in. The one that I would sit across from and ramble on and on as though you wanted to hear it all. Though you may have thought I was a head case or mixed up, or what ever word you thought of, I have to tell you that I couldn't help it. I was and have been head-over-heels in love with you from the very moment I laid eyes on you.

You may ask me when that was. We were at the fair. You were wearing a long coat, fantastic shoes and an ivy league cap. You had a woman at your side that most women love to hate. You introduced her as your fiance or wife; that I cannot remember. My head was spinning. All I could see was your beautiful face. Your smile and your voice tempted me. I was lost in thoughts of you from that moment. Your name impressed me. I have never heard that name before, and never from anyone else since. You were living in Chicago. This was before any of us had children.

When I worked up at the county building I would stamp just about everything that came in with which court it was to go. I saw your name cross my desk. I remember the divorce papers. I remember feeling horrible for you and just sitting there staring at the paper with her name first, verses you. She had filed them. I probably sat stunned for a few minutes. How could you be so horrible that she would leave someone so beautiful. So unique, and amazing. The feelings I felt the first time flooded my mind once again. I was flushed with feelings of anger at her for leaving you. I was emerced in my feelings of pity, but love, for you. I missed you that very moment. I knew that you had lived in town. I knew where too. I had delivered pizza one night to her when you were away.

I want you to be happy. Your joy is what makes me happy. I used to enjoy sitting with you and talking between services. It would make my entire week. I would float on a cloud until Saturday, and come Sunday I felt like nothing was more important than seeing you. I know that I should have been looking forward to the fellowship with God and His people. And I did. But I always had another reason to go to church. It was you. When you weren't there I wasn't as happy as normal. Now I feel like I am rambling again. But what I need to say is that we did have a connection. I know that you felt it. You even said it. I scared me when you realized it and voiced it. We were feeling a lot of the same emotions at the time. We could relate to each other and theat meant the world to me. But it scared me. Here I was sitting at church falling in a deeper love with a man I already felt strongly for. I couldn't read you. My feelings took over. From the moment I saw you in Starbucks and you asked me about my nieghbor girls, I feel my better judgement was impared.

I couldn't tell if you felt anything towards me. You probably feel nothing. I had hoped that you would. From things that you said, I felt like there was something, but I was scared. I wasn't sure if that was me reading into it. So I tried to gracefully walk away. The hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

And then I met her...the new one in your life. I have to tell you that I took a second glance, as I thought how much she resembled your ex-wife. I couldn't even look her in the eye, knowing that I was in love with you. I avoided you for a long time. I always kept track of where you were, so that I could be a few steps ahead or behind. I tried to be nice and talk to her. But she was and still is one of the most emotionless people I have ever met. Maybe to you she is more. But you would think that she would try to get to know the people from your hometown. Even this Sunday at the funniest clip at church, she didn't even smirk with emotion while the rest of the congregation roared in laughter. When I see her there she doesn't even talk to your children.

All I want to know is are you really going to be happy with her or are you settling for someone because she pays you attention now. Will she be your forever? Why did you wait to tell me when she wasn't around that you were engaged? Why did you propose on New Years Eve? Of all days, that is one of the most predictable. It makes me wonder if you felt like you needed to, if you were scared to be alone, and thought you had to, or did you really want to??

I wish I had time to tell you to think this through, not because I am in love with you. Rather so that you can ask yourself if you are really, truly in love with her.

Love, I wish I had a chance to love you. The way that you deserve. Our lives will go on though from here and you may never know this. You will and have made the decision you feel is right. For your sake, Love, I hope that it is. I pray that it is. I will still be there on the sidelines, cheering you on. I will be here whenever you need me. I will leave you to your happiness. I will miss you incredibly. Even when you right there in front of me, if you remain there. Maybe you are moving away. It will break my heart. That's ok.

I love you. I do. I wish you knew. I wish I could just tell you. Not that it would make a difference. None the less, I do. I love you every day, every moment, when I am waking or sleeping.
Peace and happiness to you, Love.
Peace most of all.

Sincerely with love,
Mandy
Eve Interrupted

P.S. It is time that I tell you that this blog was created because of you...it was and is the only way I can move on without telling you everything face to face. Most of it's content is about you. I miss you already, Love.

It's 130 pm and I am feeling like I miss him already...
Like he is Gone! Even though he is still around, I feel like I have lost him...
And what is pitiful, what is sad... he doesn't eve know.
He has no idea of how his news has affected me.
He has no care, because he doesn't even know how I have always felt.
I wish I someone to tell me that I am doing the right thing.
I know that I am, but it would be nice for someone to affirm this.
Feeling very lost and confused...wondering how I let myself get to this point.

At this point, I am not even sure what to say. I blink and it's as if the whole story I knew was going to happen is happening. It is so predictable. I knew that it would be just as it is. A proposal of the most ordinary kind. I am at a loss for words. My heart sank. I still have no idea why. I am still attached, but it still felt as though it were a blow. It would be nice to know why I feel this way. I feel animosity, jealousy, and conviction. A Tuesday...really....who does this on a Tuesday!!?? When I have more time, I will express more of how this situation effects my well-being.

Just when I think that I can give it all up and make it right....
I am persuaded otherwise
Some obstacle jumps out right in front of me...
I miss him
with a passion
I still see him all the time
But it's so far gone
and there seems to be no hope
I miss him
I know, I already said that
But I do....
I love him
Love him
love him
this can't be right
my fingers type the feelings of my heart
my head feels the anguish of my soul
I need him
why can't he see me
I wish that I existed
just for once
I want to feel him
his breath upon my neck
his lips upon my shoulders
his hands around my waist
his body against mine
God, I want to tell him
but he is gone
he is so far lost in someone else
I am nothing
at least not to him
and right now that is all that matters
I love him
I need him
I want him
God, I wish he knew
I wish we had a moment alone
OR that he could read this
more like, that he would
Doubt that he will
it probably means nothing
and he would sit and ask if it was him
or who it was that I was talking about
I miss him
oh my god, I miss him
I miss him
Can you see it
Or are you blind
Life is to short
Love is never to late
If there was a chance, I'd tell you
Every single day
Right now...right here
I miss you....

The Dawn of a new year Resolute

At the risk of sounding like the continual broken record at the beginning of every year, it is important to celebrate the new arrival or a year, and this time a decade as well. Most people ask you what your resolutions are. While that sounds so cliche, it is never the less something to think about. Some people resolve to lose wieght, eat healthy, exercise more, or simply not to resolve at all.
That is why I am writing this to you and all of my friends and readers. I am challenging you to resolve whatever you like, but this year, resolve to make a difference in someone's life, even if it be just one person. They don't even have to know about it. You can send them a card, or invite them to dinner. Sit a while, take the time to invest in thier lives and listen. Get to know them. Forget about your wieght, your excercise routine, your diet, and take a burden off of someone else's shoulders. Let your lights shine. You will be blessed in the end for doing so.
I resolve all the normal New Year's resolutions...but more importantly, I resolve to not only make a difference in my life, but someone else's. I pray that 2010 is the beginning of a new season in all of your lives. 2009 had its' moments. Now it's time to dust ourselves off and look around for those who need us most to bare their burdens and take a walk with them for a while.
Take a seat, and write down 3 things you will (not 'can') do in 2010 to help someone other than yourself. If you wish to share, I would love to hear your ideas!

With many thoughts in my head,
Sleeping will come soon;
It is probable that you will cross my mind,
And when you do,
I will fall asleep at the sound of your heart beating once again.

I was hoping you would give it one more try.
One more chance to make it right.
All I can think of is how you make me feel tonight.

Nothing matters at this moment.
Nothing seems to make me fear...
And it is what I long to feel
I just want you to understand one thing
You are more than just a one time deal
You're a friend and a fellow man
You're a kindred spirit that I adore.

I was hoping you would give it one more try.
One more chance to make it right.
All I can think of is how you make me feel tonight.

Our moments of inspiration are not lost though we have no particular poem to show for them; for those experiences have left an indelible impression, and we are ever and anon reminded of them. ~ Henry David Thoreau


Where does it all come from? The inspirations for which I write, they have a reason. I am not limited here to say only certain things. I am inspired to say what I think here. I feel freedom at it's best here. This place is supposed to be safe. And even if your not the most fluent writer, I encourage anyone to have a blog. You do not have sign in as you under your real name and no one particular person has to know that it exists. There are people that may come accross it from time to time, chances are they don't know you. But you may inspire them. I have actually had a few comments from people that I don't even know. They read this and think, "Oh my God, I can relate". This is for them, for you and for me especially.

It is important to have an outlet. It is crucial to have a place where no one judges you for feeling human. Even if it is just one sentence a day or a small paragraph, write it out. There is a writer in all of us. Some just sound more fluent than others. Some, they just sound like regular people voicing thier opinion. Either way, you will feel better.

For me, describing the pain I feel inside is always so vague. I let you know that it's there and I hint at some of the reasons why. But I consequently have not purged it out in full color. I am sometimes embarrassed to think of even doing so. I am in love with no one. I thought a month or so ago, I was. But like everything else in my life it is not so. I love my husband, I would defend him to the death. But I am not in love with him. I don't know that I have ever been. I have no idea what love is. I was never shown Love as a child... I have always been judged.

I see things from a different perspective always. And that has always brewed trouble. I have always tried to find the good in even the difficult of people. And people who cross me soon again become friends. I am forgiving eventually. This is definately a fault of mine. While it is a good thing to forgive, it is basically the recipe for a door mat. I never hold the other person accountable.

I feel like I am lost. Like I am just wondering around with no true friend, no reason to live. I live for my children, they are great part of me. As some people do though, and pour thier entire lives into them, I am not designed that way. I do everything for them, yes. But I teach them independence. I teach them perserverence, and how to get back up when they fall down. I kiss them and send them on thier way. I don't pamper thier every beckoning and sometimes I feel bad about that. But other than that I am losing the will to do anything. I feel like my purpose is gone. I am not a normal woman. Not in the least. Or maybe I am. I have no idea.

The only inspirations I have anymore are love lost...I can't figure out exactly why I can't shake that feeling. I know what causes it. But I am still trying to fill a void in my heart. I am falling....completely, totally, desperately, willing falling. And I don't seem to care much anymore. I just wish that it was understood by the ones I needed most. They have no idea who I am. Only you in blogger world can relate. Only you who are slow to judge and look at the whole picture. I am tired. So tired of trying. Losing doesn't seem so bad anymore....

I love this song.
And the following is lyrics to another I love.

Lyrics by Keane: Somewhere only we know



I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh! Simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place, we use to love
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of

Oh! Simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So If you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Oh! Simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you gona let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So If you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
So why don't we go

This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Webster decribes guilt as a feeling of culpability for an offense or an action. Culpability is the same as being blameworthy. Being blameworhty is being the one deserving blame. The only one here deserving blame is me. At first it seems like an offer you cannot refuse. It soon then can turn into something that only makes you feel empty. Webster describes a feeling of emptiness as the lack of reality, substance, meaning. A hollow feeling.

The hollow feeling turns into the search for a filler. Something to make the pain subside. Just like a pain-killer. It takes care of the pain for a while, but the injury is still present. When you wake up the next day, you feel it all over again. You must find the pain-killer and take it, just to get some relief. That is why pain-killers become addictive. The relief and release you feel is intoxicating. It makes everything around seem better than it is.

While reality must exist, and a state of conscience, there is room for dreaming and momentary lapse of reason. Not everything has to be so rational. Not everything has to be logical. The only problem with not being rational is that your state of conscience usually kicks in and starts making you feel guilty.

In the events that have recently taken place, one would think that I feel this guilt. What if I don't? Does that make me irrational? Do I lack that state of reason that causes mental clarity? Or am I so lost in that hollow feeling to care?
Again, refrencing Webster, he describes a feeling of being lost as a feeling of not made use of, claimed, or won, no longer known, possessed, ruined physically or morally. If this is true...then yes, I am lost.

I feel like I am trapped in an abyss. I am not worthy of anything but blame. I have let my life be ruled and governed by everyone else around me. I can't sleep at night. I can't breathe. I feel like I am suffocating. I feel like I have lost my way.

But I do not feel guilty. I do not feel it one bit. I am to blame, but not feeling the guilt. I think I justify it in my mind as something to keep my sanity. It's what helps me cope with who I really am. What I am really dealing with.

Every person deserves to be loved. At one time or another in thier life they will find someone they will love. But love never lasts. It is always conditional. And when you make a commitment to love someone forever...you dig yourself a grave filled with dissapointment. It will be the death of you. It is a poison that runs through everyone's viens and the only way I can make it stop burning is to find a temporary pain-killer. It fills your being and intoxicates you. Then when dissapointment of mundane, unfair, unending hurt exists, the heart turns to stone. It breaks. It gets super cold.

Then you don't feel the guilt like you may have before. You don't have room for it. It becomes easier to lose yourself in that lapse of reason. And it makes you want it more.

What I am trying to say is that while I don't want anyone to feel guilty, because I don't, they are not to blame. I am. But with that said, it is my drug of choice. I can't help it. When it looks so iviting, and it's so mysterious, and there is no commitment, it is what I want. It is my pain-killer. I know it's not the cure. I don't want it to be. It just helps me to feel better momentarliy. At this point in my life I will take it if it means I can have you for that moment. We are just two friends helping each other out in a time of our lives. With different motives, it still does the same thing. It kills the pain, even though limited.

What I am trying to say is that while I don't want anyone to feel guilty, because I don't, they are not to blame. But with that said, we all have a drug of choice. We can't help it. When it looks so iviting, and it's so mysterious, and there is no commitment, it is what we want. It is our pain-killer. We know it's not the cure. We don't want it to be. It just helps us to feel better momentarliy. Even if it means we can have it for that moment. It kills the pain, even though limited.

It's Complicated....

We meet many different people in our lives. We get to know some really well and others we remain acquainted with. Have you ever met someone though that was an acquaintance and there is just something about them that keeps drawing you back to them? Those are the ones we get to know well. They become our friends, maybe even our enemies, and sometime our lovers. When you meet them, you just know...you can feel it.

Because my parents moved me around the eastern side of the United States all of my life, I became accustomed to making new friends quickly. This has helped me out tremendously in the line of work and friends made along the way. Friends are a great things to have. They are someone you can talk to, vent to, and relax with. But every now and then you fall for someone like no other. You think about that person constantly. You cannot get them off your mind. And the dreaming begins.

I usually never say anything to the people I think this way about. After all I am married. But sometimes those feelings are so overwhelming. So I write them down or type them here in this blog.

Recently I began chatting with someone I barely know. I can't stop thinking about this person. There is something about him that that pulls me in, something that makes my heart smile. I never see him, but it's like I can hear his voice even though I have only heard it briefly once or twice. I can imagine his smokey blue eyes gazing into mine.

There have been dreams. I can't explain them. I don't know why they occur. The subconscious thought becomes a virtual reality and I am able to have what I want there in my dreams. No consequences. No strings attached. No worries. I can feel his touch, his warmth, his heart pounding against mine. Best of all I can feel his lips brush across mine continuously. I touch his face and feel his smile with my fingertips. His eyes close and he draws me closer. I feel like staying in this embrace forever, never wanting him to leave. I wish for that momentary reality with him. We slowly sway to the sound of the rain, which seems like music leading us in dance. Soon we are so deep, we fall from grace. We lay beside each other. We hear, see, and feel nothing but one another. Intertwined in each others arms, listening to the rain and feeling the warm, safety of this moment, I feel at ease, at peace there. I feel amazing. He is amazing. His sparkling smokey eyes tell me everything I need to know.

It's a connection with certain people in my life. Some come and go. Very few know I feel this way. It's humiliating to think of telling them sometimes. I keep my heart closed. I only tell those that I think can handle it.

So I ask, can you handle it? Can you handle a temporary escape from reality? Can you handle a no string, no commitment ever kind of feeling? Is this view complicated? It can be done. It's up to the other person.

All I know is that while dreaming, I fell asleep in his arms last night while listening to the ending of a rain storm. I felt his comfortable, strong embrace around me, and gazed into his beautiful eyes once more. He reached down and kissed my lips softly. Then He kissed the top of my head and held me tight, resting his chin against my temple. I slept peacefully, if only for a few hours.

When I woke this morning, the first thing I thought of was his touch. I didn't want to move. I wanted to revisit it again. I know that I will again soon, and I cannot wait.

Friends come and go. Lovers and almost lovers will stay with you forever. You can always feel them close. You may not see them, but you never lose them. The connection remains. They live in your dreams.

When we wake up each morning we must realize what a blessing it is to have survived another night, another day, and that with each breath that we take , it's a gift. Life is a sweet gift. It is a treasure for us to hold. Not many people view it this way. They live it as if there are a thousand tomorrows. They live it as though there is more than enough time.
I enoy my life for the most part and there are very few things that I would care to change about it...they are still works in progress. Most of all I enjoy my dreams. They follow me wherever I go and that is saying something. I have lived in so many places and moved so many times. You would think that I would be the kind of person that would want to never move again. But I keep feeling this nagging feeling to do something adventurous. And it is possible sometimes with the help of my dreams.
At the risk of sound psychotic, I will explain. I am able to close my eyes and invision so many possibilities. I call it an escape from reality. From the reality that is happening around me. I am so happy there...it is relaxing and free. I can imagine all the "what if's" that I had in my life. I play them out in my mind.
And while this does sound wierd to a lot of people...well it is where great novelists get their greatest stories...from the depths of thier imaginations inside their daydreaming mind.
So, my dream is to be a writer, yes, a writer and an artist. If I ever fulfill my dream I will dedicate my first book to the first love I had in my life. I miss him soo much...I wish he could have learned how much.
Opening your biography may not be the most exciting thing to you, but what if it was the biography you had always dreamed of? You could make it anything you wanted. A very wise, and clever, and might I add wonderful man, once asked me what I really wanted in my life. I am learning that life is what you make it. You write it, you live it, you dream it.
You may not own it...you never know when your last breath will be...so, by all means live each moment as though it was your last! Carpe Diem!!

Leftedness

Have you felt like part of you is moving forward, but another part is being left behind? I am in that moment. That is me. I want to completely move forward. But there are so many pieces that I am having to leave behind. I want to be whole. And that is just not working out for me. I have thought about doing therapy....many times...but then I ask this question: What good does it do me? I tell some stranger my deepest thoughts, they'll ask me how I feel, and what do I think about my thoughts, and well....I have no freaking idea! I feel like not feeling anymore. It hurts too bad and I wish I could just forget about all of it. I wish I could block out the bad memories and only think of the good stuff. I wish I wasn't bitter when I think about my parents. I wish I wasn't jealous of the relationships that my siblings have with my parents. I wish that my kids acted like the way I teach them to act. I wish my husband would kiss me. I wish that he would tell me he loved me once in a while,...at least. I wish that I found the magic "ah-ha" moment that changed my life and my weight forever. I wish I was hot, sexy, and felt like conquering the world in a mad dash! I wish for many things...all things lost. I am focusing on my business right now, as everything else has failed me and it is really the only thing that I can truly control. And I dream of the size I should be. I dream of the skinny face and hips that I feel inside. I miss that person.
I wish to feel as though I am truly loved. Not just appreciated or thought of as a "nice person"...but loved. I wish to not feel abandoned. I mean truly feel it! Not just hold to a hope that I am not. I would like for someone to come along side of me, whisp me up into his arms and tell me he is falling for me. That I have "bewitched him body and soul" and that he loves me. And while that may be some movie dream...it could happen for real. I wish I could have some time away to clear my head. To not have to think about bills, and picking kids up from this, taking them to that, paying for lunches, packing lunches, piles of laundry, the stupid, crappy looking truck that I keep having to fix on my own, the garden, the landscaping, the housework, the everyday!!!!!AHHH!!! I want to scream so bad!
I need a "me" vacation. It sounds so selfish, but you know I am tired of being needed for the service of others...If that makes any sense? I am tired of compromise, of the mundane, the predictable.
I want the spontaneous.
I want to figure it all out. I wish I could live. I want to keep going forward with the name "mommy" and I still want to be the "jewelry lady". But I want to be able to make the declarations of my heart known. I want to be heard. I want to be respected for more than just "mommy and wifely duties". I want to feel like a woman again in my stilettos. I want to be loved as a woman, and not an object. I want to be the object of his affection. I want the part of me that is being left behind to catch up and join the rest of me. I need me back. I miss me.
And I need him. I miss him. I miss the connection.......
I just want to curl up in his arms and feel safe there....

Compilation of Dreams

I woke this morning recollecting several disturbing dreams. They not only scared me, but made me think of why I had them in the first place. And there were several, not just one. I kept waking up and falling back to sleep, only to have one dream after another, that maybe had something to do with the last. One was of a man chasing me, and I fighting for my life. One was about a lover, lost. I held his corpse in hands. One was of my mother and father, and I was living with them, and caring for my children there, keeping them safe from some type of harm. One was about a doctor declaring his silent love for me, and me trying to explain that my love belongs to someone else. And last but not least, I had a dream about my kids and I living in Auburn, and the friends all around me. Now...I remembered these very vividly when I woke. And while I could see that they are somewhat like a story, one leading up to the other, they were completely separate.

The one of the man chasing me, was someone I knew. I knew him well. He was an old friend, and my first kiss. But he is now and has always been a criminal. I fell for him when I was very young and alone. He made me feel better, I thought. But he has been in jail for a long time. And this dream is a reoccurring one. I have it often. I dream that he comes back to find me. That he scares me, and tries to hurt me. He tries to reason with me that I was the only good thing in his life. In real life, not my dreams, he is very real. He really exists, and I am scared that he will find me again some day. He actually married another woman named Amanda. When I rejected him the first time, he wouldn't leave me alone and became obsessed with trying to get to me. He found himself in jail many times. So in my dreams, he continues to haunt me, and while I have learned to fight for myself, if needed...I am deathly afraid of what he is capable of doing. So I know where this dream stems from, but am so ready for it to be gone.

The second dream was of me holding a lover in hands as he breathed his last breath. I am not exactly sure of who this was, but I am certain it was my husband. The feeling I had was something of deepest sorrow. It was in grief beyond explanation. While I held his head in my arms and kissed his face a thousand times, and cried a river of tears, I could feel a sharp pain in my chest. I felt like I was being stomped on, like something powerful was sitting on my chest. I remember the feeling of rocking back and forth. I remember thinking: "How do I explain this? They are so little, they won't understand." I woke up. I don't know what he died from, I don't know how it happened. But I felt like it had been real. I had really been crying. I actually wiped tears from my eyes. And I sat up in bed. I had to think for a moment, making sure it wasn't reality. Of course, it wasn't.

The third dream was very chaotic. Anything with the idea of living my parents would be chaotic. I remember them arguing. I am not sure what about, but I am sure it was something to do with 'some one done them wrong' or 'money' or the jealousy they suffer from day after day. I remember speaking up and telling them that they were frightening my children. That we were going to the store and would be back later. While at the store, I encounter a very scary person. Almost like an evil spirit. It was telling me that I should never go back. That I was doomed to live a life of loneliness and despair. I scooped up the kids and took them to the van. We sat there for a moment, while I thought of what to do next. And I woke up again, very confused, very panicky, and almost sweating.

The next dream, was very strange. It had people I knew in it. A lot of people. I had a doctor asking me all these different questions. Prying into all my personal life and trying 'to figure me out'. And as I explained through sobs and stories, he told me he had something to say. It was important, and he wasn't sure how to tell me. But that a while back he had fallen in love with me. He knew that it would never work, but it didn't change the way he felt, and he thought I should know. I kept trying to explain to him that I was flattered, but not sure what to do with his declaration. That I was deeply in love with someone else and still suffering from the loss of another. I remember looking for the door, wanting to run away. And then I awoke. I know this doctor, but he is not my doctor. He is real, and I can never imagine him saying this to me, nor do I have any underlying feelings for him that I am wishing for him to return. So to have this dream was very, very strange.

Then my last and final dream was of me and my children living in the house we have now. We had a very tall fence around our yard. It was quiet, but I could the laughter of my children. I had the peace of friendship in my heart. My house warm, it was raining outside. I was baking something, maybe cookies. I was remembering my life. I was missing something though. Life seemed simple, but yet so complicated. Then, in a moment, I was startled. I heard the sound of someone knocking at the door. When I looked up there was someone there. My heart started to pound so hard I could feel it in my throat. I couldn't say anything. But I wasn't scared. I was happier than ever before. I opened the door and it took everything I had to find the words to invite him in. He came inside and after a long stare, and no words between us he grabbed a hold of me and kissed me. And then I woke up again.

I am not sure why I had so many dreams in one very early morning. But while I think I grasp what each of them mean and represent, in sight of just random thoughts in the form of dreams, my dreams are always this vivid. I don't know why. Some scare me, and I wake up very afraid. I make sure that Doug is still there, or go check on my kids to make sure they are still sleeping soundly in their bed. I wait and watch them breathe. Some stay in my mind forever, and return over and over again. Like they are threatening me, or maybe empowering me.

People often ask, 'well what did you eat before you went to bed?' But I can assure you it's nothing I ate or drank. Some tell me, I think about them to much, try to read to much into them. Maybe I do. While I think I could probably "interpret" them myself, I would love the input of others, to see if it is as transparent as I see it. Feel free to comment and tell me what you think...I am up for any thoughts on this.

One thing I do know...I don't sleep very well when I remember them. I never reach that deep sleep. So, I am, no doubt, very tired.

Embraced Forever

I wish I was sleeping,
I wish that I was dreaming.
All I ever wanted was peace and true love.
All I ever needed was a warm embrace.
And in that moment, he could not even give me that.
Slowly, I walked away.
Holding my heart in my hands as I left.
I had been holding it out to him,
As an offering of my life,
My devotion.
Now I was swallowing back the tears,
Holding in the pain.
Gaurding my heart.
I no longer felt the peace.
If only I was dreaming...
If only I could pinch myself and wake up.
Then, maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad.
Maybe, it would just be figment of my imagination...
An elaborate thought dancing in my mind.
But now, I don't think that is the case.
I believe that this is what despair is.
I know that this is what it feels like.
I have felt it before.
In the past, my resilliance has kept me afloat.
And again, I am sure that it will.
Still it must be said that my heart is wounded;
Bleeding, painful, and bruised.
Wake up, I wish to myself, wake up.

Then, as it were this dream...
I saw him, from a long distance off.
He was walking towards me.
His gaze focused on me.
With a change in his pace, he seemed to almost run to me.
I stood frozen..could this be?
Him, returning to me?
Had he thought about it, and realized I was worth it after all?
He began to bring his arms up, ready to embrace me.
I began to smile, feeling the warmth from his eyes.
He reached me and all at once place his hand around my waist.
He kept repeating , "Never again, never again...".
He began to kiss me and said he was sorry for being such a fool.
That never again would we lose each other.
Never again would we be alone.
His embrace is all I ever needed.
Now I hope that I never wake up!

Bruce Lee says:

When looking through a bamboo tube, you only see one spot on a leopard.

i.e. Don't look at just one thing about a person...look at the big picture. Get away from tunnel vision. See things for what they really are. When someone is hurting, or angry, or whatever...there is an underlying reason. We don't just become that way over night. We are the way we are for a reason. Something or someone in our life has influenced the attitude or mood that we have. I try to stay positive.
It kind of goes back to the Bible verse that basically states in a sum of words:"Do not worry about the speck in someone elses eye, when you yourself have a plank in your own eye". I was reminded of this today when I began mentally bashing a friend of mine. As I started to verbalize it to someone else out loud, I also stated aloud, "Wait a minute, I am sorry, nevermind...I have no room to talk." I caught myself this time...I was making a mental effort to put into practice what I believe. It made me wonder though how many times do I do it without thinking. I don't know that I do, but it made me wonder. I felt horrible. I try not to look through the bamboo tube. But it is the easiest thing to do. For some people it makes them feel better...for me it makes me feel worse. Everyone has a story. Everyone has a struggle, admitedly or not. As a friend it is better to listen and understand, than it is to try to solve the problem or talk about it with others.
I wish I could solve all the problems...but then I would be able to solve mine as well...that would be wonderful! I am putting the bamboo tube down, and every time I am tempted to pick it up...I will throw it farther and farther away from me. This way, I can see the whole leopard, and not just one spot.

Hard Day

Today was really a hard day for me. But it was a day of organizing and cleaning and rejuvinating my surroundings as well. I had a lot of thoughts today about my life. Where it is going, where it's been, what I have done with it...etc. While it was a good day...it was just a very hard day. Like I was pushing my way through it. I needed to work out, and punch a bag or kick my heart out or something...but I had no time. I really need to scream and yell and cry...
I really need to cry...I need to purge everything that is on my mind. I am almost to afraid to write it in this blog. I should. But I am afraid of what my readers may discover and think.
I am so tired, it is after midnight. Doug and the kids are sleeping. It is quiet, except for my music. I love my music. But I also love stillness and silence.
I want to spill this feeling out so bad.......
I am so afraid.....

Finding my Heartbeat

My heart beat...
I am trying to find my heart beat.
I am searching for my pulse.
I can feel my heart race.
I can feel it jump.
It is when someone talk about children or people in need.
It is when I see it first hand.
I love to sit and listen to people tell me their stories.
I love laugh with them and cry with them.
I love to hug them and make them feel better.
I love being a friend, whatever it takes.
Where is your heart beat?
Have you found it?
What makes your pulse run wild?
Love makes my heart beat faster.
Living for others makes my pulse deeper.
What makes your heart race?

Midnight Moon

A silent voice is what I heard.
It knew my name, it knew my whole name.
In the dark, I heard it call me. In the quiet stillness of the midnight moon, it drew me in. I fell deep into the restful, silent sound. Nothing ever sounded so sweet. I wiped the tear from cheek. I wasn't sure whether it was happiness, or if it was sadness that came over me. While I felt at peace, I wasn't sure.

When the voice said my name, it was clearer than anything before. A silent ringing in my ears. My eyes had been closed. I then heard my full name, as if it were being spelled out to me. My eyes were wide open. I almost sat up. But I couldn't.
I was frozen in my position. Maybe I was tired. But I think it was more than that. Like something was holding me down. I could only look up and out the pane of glass at the bright, white moon.

I kept hearing the silence of my name. Over and over again, as if it was drawing closer to me. But maybe I was afraid. Maybe I was terrified to move, to see if anything but the moon was there. And all at once I sat up with some release of overwhelming strength, almost like I was pushed. I stared forward for just a moment.
Then slowly, almost reluctantly, I forced myself to look outside the window beside me. I looked down to the ground. And there I saw his silhouette, standing in the snow.

His hands in his pockets, his head looking down at the covered, white earth below. And like a moon beam shining on him, I saw his head slowly turn up. As he did, his silent voice said my name once again. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't.
My heart was beating to fast; so fast I could hear it in my head and feel it in my throat.

His gaze met mine. And it only took a moment for me to see the sparkle of the moon in his dark eyes. For a brief second, I thought I felt terrified. I couldn't move once again. Like he had me locked into his sight. It nearly felt like he was beside me. He took his hands from his pockets. And reached his arms out from his body. He lifted his palms to the heavens. And I heard him silently whisper it again. I saw nothing but a black form, until that moment. Then I saw small red drops slowly drip from his hands to the white snow beneath him. Around his head started to form beads of red drops, forming a crown. It started to stream down his cheeks. And I saw crystal tears streaming from his eyes. He closed his eyes, and looked up to the skies. The moon shone brighter than ever at that moment. He said my full name again, and then with one last breath, he said "I did this for you".

In an instant it was all gone. Like I had blinked my eyes and it all disappeared. But the image was still engraved in my eyes, my mind, and my soul.
I fell backward onto the white sheets, my eyes closing as I fell. As I wiped the tears from my cheek, I realized I was happy and sad all at once. I felt at peace that he did it for me, but that it cost him pain and suffering, and even his life. But I remembered his arms outstretched. And just like my grandpa used to tell me, I could hear the silent voice speak to me again, and He said, "Yes, I love you that much."

In peace I rested, no longer afraid. I was content to find solace, under the quiet stillness of the midnight moon.

Focus on the pieces of Peace

I am inspired to reminisce in the moments of peace that I find in my life. The moments where I see my children sleeping and they look so angelic. It's when I stroke the hair away from my daughters cheek and tuck it behind her ear and she looks like a sleeping porcelain china doll. The times I rub my sons back and sing "Hush Little Baby" to him until he sleeps. It is peaceful and it is quiet. I used to rock and sing Olivia to sleep years ago and sit a while longer, holding her praying to God. I realized how much I loved those little ones. Also, during this time, I was in love with God and we were close. I was at peace. I would never have thought that could change. But it is lost and and I am on the journey to find it. I know where it is, but I scared to reach out grab it. Peace is just a moment away. But I am terrified to rest in it. That sounds like an oxymoron. But it is the truth. My children need me to find this peace. They are falling apart as well as I. I am challenged to find this within only a few days time. The remedy to a successful marriage and calm, compliant family life is for me to focus on the pieces of peace I find in my life. The kisses, the hugs, the laughter, the smiles, the joy, and the heart of my life. It is written in God's word that the pure in heart see God, and the peacemakers are called the sons of God. It also states that those who hunger for his righteousness shall be filled. Matthew 5:3-11 is a promise that I intend to hold close to my heart. Most people know it as the passage of beatitudes.
The thing is that God has never left me and He is still in love with me. But I have grown lax and fallen out of deepest love for him, because I have been selfish and I am wasting his precious time. It's time to fall in love with Him again. And everything else will fall into place. Psalm 119:9-11 says "How can a person cleanse his way? By taking heed to Your word, with my whole heart I have sought you, let me not wander from your commandments, your word I hide in my heart, that I might not sin against you". Psalm 139 tells me how much he knows me: "You are acquainted with all my ways". Psalm 71:5 says "For you are my hope, O Lord God; You are my trust from my youth." In the next passage, we receive a promise: Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

It is now the time to find him, to rest in his peace, his strength. To focus on the peace that he give us. It is the challenge to seek Him. It is time to fall in love all over again.

We paint a picture of happiness and say everything is good. And while it might be that day or that hour or maybe, just that minute, the moments before may have been far from okay. Or even the moments after may be horrid. It is our choice, really. But in the same respect, there are forces that be around us that make a difference in how we view things and we are tempted consistantly with the idea of giving up. Or at least I am. I am tempted with that notion. But I have not given into it yet. I give into all the others, but not this one. I am trying so desperately to do what is right and for now it is working. Working... just working...it isn't the best, but it's working. I guess if it's working then I should just keep going with it then. That doesn't mean I am thrilled about it, but I am in it for the long haul, I think.
Oh well, better to be stuck in something that is working, than to be stuck in a hopeless case.