Webster decribes guilt as a feeling of culpability for an offense or an action. Culpability is the same as being blameworthy. Being blameworhty is being the one deserving blame. The only one here deserving blame is me. At first it seems like an offer you cannot refuse. It soon then can turn into something that only makes you feel empty. Webster describes a feeling of emptiness as the lack of reality, substance, meaning. A hollow feeling.

The hollow feeling turns into the search for a filler. Something to make the pain subside. Just like a pain-killer. It takes care of the pain for a while, but the injury is still present. When you wake up the next day, you feel it all over again. You must find the pain-killer and take it, just to get some relief. That is why pain-killers become addictive. The relief and release you feel is intoxicating. It makes everything around seem better than it is.

While reality must exist, and a state of conscience, there is room for dreaming and momentary lapse of reason. Not everything has to be so rational. Not everything has to be logical. The only problem with not being rational is that your state of conscience usually kicks in and starts making you feel guilty.

In the events that have recently taken place, one would think that I feel this guilt. What if I don't? Does that make me irrational? Do I lack that state of reason that causes mental clarity? Or am I so lost in that hollow feeling to care?
Again, refrencing Webster, he describes a feeling of being lost as a feeling of not made use of, claimed, or won, no longer known, possessed, ruined physically or morally. If this is true...then yes, I am lost.

I feel like I am trapped in an abyss. I am not worthy of anything but blame. I have let my life be ruled and governed by everyone else around me. I can't sleep at night. I can't breathe. I feel like I am suffocating. I feel like I have lost my way.

But I do not feel guilty. I do not feel it one bit. I am to blame, but not feeling the guilt. I think I justify it in my mind as something to keep my sanity. It's what helps me cope with who I really am. What I am really dealing with.

Every person deserves to be loved. At one time or another in thier life they will find someone they will love. But love never lasts. It is always conditional. And when you make a commitment to love someone forever...you dig yourself a grave filled with dissapointment. It will be the death of you. It is a poison that runs through everyone's viens and the only way I can make it stop burning is to find a temporary pain-killer. It fills your being and intoxicates you. Then when dissapointment of mundane, unfair, unending hurt exists, the heart turns to stone. It breaks. It gets super cold.

Then you don't feel the guilt like you may have before. You don't have room for it. It becomes easier to lose yourself in that lapse of reason. And it makes you want it more.

What I am trying to say is that while I don't want anyone to feel guilty, because I don't, they are not to blame. I am. But with that said, it is my drug of choice. I can't help it. When it looks so iviting, and it's so mysterious, and there is no commitment, it is what I want. It is my pain-killer. I know it's not the cure. I don't want it to be. It just helps me to feel better momentarliy. At this point in my life I will take it if it means I can have you for that moment. We are just two friends helping each other out in a time of our lives. With different motives, it still does the same thing. It kills the pain, even though limited.

What I am trying to say is that while I don't want anyone to feel guilty, because I don't, they are not to blame. But with that said, we all have a drug of choice. We can't help it. When it looks so iviting, and it's so mysterious, and there is no commitment, it is what we want. It is our pain-killer. We know it's not the cure. We don't want it to be. It just helps us to feel better momentarliy. Even if it means we can have it for that moment. It kills the pain, even though limited.