Leftedness

Have you felt like part of you is moving forward, but another part is being left behind? I am in that moment. That is me. I want to completely move forward. But there are so many pieces that I am having to leave behind. I want to be whole. And that is just not working out for me. I have thought about doing therapy....many times...but then I ask this question: What good does it do me? I tell some stranger my deepest thoughts, they'll ask me how I feel, and what do I think about my thoughts, and well....I have no freaking idea! I feel like not feeling anymore. It hurts too bad and I wish I could just forget about all of it. I wish I could block out the bad memories and only think of the good stuff. I wish I wasn't bitter when I think about my parents. I wish I wasn't jealous of the relationships that my siblings have with my parents. I wish that my kids acted like the way I teach them to act. I wish my husband would kiss me. I wish that he would tell me he loved me once in a while,...at least. I wish that I found the magic "ah-ha" moment that changed my life and my weight forever. I wish I was hot, sexy, and felt like conquering the world in a mad dash! I wish for many things...all things lost. I am focusing on my business right now, as everything else has failed me and it is really the only thing that I can truly control. And I dream of the size I should be. I dream of the skinny face and hips that I feel inside. I miss that person.
I wish to feel as though I am truly loved. Not just appreciated or thought of as a "nice person"...but loved. I wish to not feel abandoned. I mean truly feel it! Not just hold to a hope that I am not. I would like for someone to come along side of me, whisp me up into his arms and tell me he is falling for me. That I have "bewitched him body and soul" and that he loves me. And while that may be some movie dream...it could happen for real. I wish I could have some time away to clear my head. To not have to think about bills, and picking kids up from this, taking them to that, paying for lunches, packing lunches, piles of laundry, the stupid, crappy looking truck that I keep having to fix on my own, the garden, the landscaping, the housework, the everyday!!!!!AHHH!!! I want to scream so bad!
I need a "me" vacation. It sounds so selfish, but you know I am tired of being needed for the service of others...If that makes any sense? I am tired of compromise, of the mundane, the predictable.
I want the spontaneous.
I want to figure it all out. I wish I could live. I want to keep going forward with the name "mommy" and I still want to be the "jewelry lady". But I want to be able to make the declarations of my heart known. I want to be heard. I want to be respected for more than just "mommy and wifely duties". I want to feel like a woman again in my stilettos. I want to be loved as a woman, and not an object. I want to be the object of his affection. I want the part of me that is being left behind to catch up and join the rest of me. I need me back. I miss me.
And I need him. I miss him. I miss the connection.......
I just want to curl up in his arms and feel safe there....