Compilation of Dreams

I woke this morning recollecting several disturbing dreams. They not only scared me, but made me think of why I had them in the first place. And there were several, not just one. I kept waking up and falling back to sleep, only to have one dream after another, that maybe had something to do with the last. One was of a man chasing me, and I fighting for my life. One was about a lover, lost. I held his corpse in hands. One was of my mother and father, and I was living with them, and caring for my children there, keeping them safe from some type of harm. One was about a doctor declaring his silent love for me, and me trying to explain that my love belongs to someone else. And last but not least, I had a dream about my kids and I living in Auburn, and the friends all around me. Now...I remembered these very vividly when I woke. And while I could see that they are somewhat like a story, one leading up to the other, they were completely separate.

The one of the man chasing me, was someone I knew. I knew him well. He was an old friend, and my first kiss. But he is now and has always been a criminal. I fell for him when I was very young and alone. He made me feel better, I thought. But he has been in jail for a long time. And this dream is a reoccurring one. I have it often. I dream that he comes back to find me. That he scares me, and tries to hurt me. He tries to reason with me that I was the only good thing in his life. In real life, not my dreams, he is very real. He really exists, and I am scared that he will find me again some day. He actually married another woman named Amanda. When I rejected him the first time, he wouldn't leave me alone and became obsessed with trying to get to me. He found himself in jail many times. So in my dreams, he continues to haunt me, and while I have learned to fight for myself, if needed...I am deathly afraid of what he is capable of doing. So I know where this dream stems from, but am so ready for it to be gone.

The second dream was of me holding a lover in hands as he breathed his last breath. I am not exactly sure of who this was, but I am certain it was my husband. The feeling I had was something of deepest sorrow. It was in grief beyond explanation. While I held his head in my arms and kissed his face a thousand times, and cried a river of tears, I could feel a sharp pain in my chest. I felt like I was being stomped on, like something powerful was sitting on my chest. I remember the feeling of rocking back and forth. I remember thinking: "How do I explain this? They are so little, they won't understand." I woke up. I don't know what he died from, I don't know how it happened. But I felt like it had been real. I had really been crying. I actually wiped tears from my eyes. And I sat up in bed. I had to think for a moment, making sure it wasn't reality. Of course, it wasn't.

The third dream was very chaotic. Anything with the idea of living my parents would be chaotic. I remember them arguing. I am not sure what about, but I am sure it was something to do with 'some one done them wrong' or 'money' or the jealousy they suffer from day after day. I remember speaking up and telling them that they were frightening my children. That we were going to the store and would be back later. While at the store, I encounter a very scary person. Almost like an evil spirit. It was telling me that I should never go back. That I was doomed to live a life of loneliness and despair. I scooped up the kids and took them to the van. We sat there for a moment, while I thought of what to do next. And I woke up again, very confused, very panicky, and almost sweating.

The next dream, was very strange. It had people I knew in it. A lot of people. I had a doctor asking me all these different questions. Prying into all my personal life and trying 'to figure me out'. And as I explained through sobs and stories, he told me he had something to say. It was important, and he wasn't sure how to tell me. But that a while back he had fallen in love with me. He knew that it would never work, but it didn't change the way he felt, and he thought I should know. I kept trying to explain to him that I was flattered, but not sure what to do with his declaration. That I was deeply in love with someone else and still suffering from the loss of another. I remember looking for the door, wanting to run away. And then I awoke. I know this doctor, but he is not my doctor. He is real, and I can never imagine him saying this to me, nor do I have any underlying feelings for him that I am wishing for him to return. So to have this dream was very, very strange.

Then my last and final dream was of me and my children living in the house we have now. We had a very tall fence around our yard. It was quiet, but I could the laughter of my children. I had the peace of friendship in my heart. My house warm, it was raining outside. I was baking something, maybe cookies. I was remembering my life. I was missing something though. Life seemed simple, but yet so complicated. Then, in a moment, I was startled. I heard the sound of someone knocking at the door. When I looked up there was someone there. My heart started to pound so hard I could feel it in my throat. I couldn't say anything. But I wasn't scared. I was happier than ever before. I opened the door and it took everything I had to find the words to invite him in. He came inside and after a long stare, and no words between us he grabbed a hold of me and kissed me. And then I woke up again.

I am not sure why I had so many dreams in one very early morning. But while I think I grasp what each of them mean and represent, in sight of just random thoughts in the form of dreams, my dreams are always this vivid. I don't know why. Some scare me, and I wake up very afraid. I make sure that Doug is still there, or go check on my kids to make sure they are still sleeping soundly in their bed. I wait and watch them breathe. Some stay in my mind forever, and return over and over again. Like they are threatening me, or maybe empowering me.

People often ask, 'well what did you eat before you went to bed?' But I can assure you it's nothing I ate or drank. Some tell me, I think about them to much, try to read to much into them. Maybe I do. While I think I could probably "interpret" them myself, I would love the input of others, to see if it is as transparent as I see it. Feel free to comment and tell me what you think...I am up for any thoughts on this.

One thing I do know...I don't sleep very well when I remember them. I never reach that deep sleep. So, I am, no doubt, very tired.

Embraced Forever

I wish I was sleeping,
I wish that I was dreaming.
All I ever wanted was peace and true love.
All I ever needed was a warm embrace.
And in that moment, he could not even give me that.
Slowly, I walked away.
Holding my heart in my hands as I left.
I had been holding it out to him,
As an offering of my life,
My devotion.
Now I was swallowing back the tears,
Holding in the pain.
Gaurding my heart.
I no longer felt the peace.
If only I was dreaming...
If only I could pinch myself and wake up.
Then, maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad.
Maybe, it would just be figment of my imagination...
An elaborate thought dancing in my mind.
But now, I don't think that is the case.
I believe that this is what despair is.
I know that this is what it feels like.
I have felt it before.
In the past, my resilliance has kept me afloat.
And again, I am sure that it will.
Still it must be said that my heart is wounded;
Bleeding, painful, and bruised.
Wake up, I wish to myself, wake up.

Then, as it were this dream...
I saw him, from a long distance off.
He was walking towards me.
His gaze focused on me.
With a change in his pace, he seemed to almost run to me.
I stood frozen..could this be?
Him, returning to me?
Had he thought about it, and realized I was worth it after all?
He began to bring his arms up, ready to embrace me.
I began to smile, feeling the warmth from his eyes.
He reached me and all at once place his hand around my waist.
He kept repeating , "Never again, never again...".
He began to kiss me and said he was sorry for being such a fool.
That never again would we lose each other.
Never again would we be alone.
His embrace is all I ever needed.
Now I hope that I never wake up!

Bruce Lee says:

When looking through a bamboo tube, you only see one spot on a leopard.

i.e. Don't look at just one thing about a person...look at the big picture. Get away from tunnel vision. See things for what they really are. When someone is hurting, or angry, or whatever...there is an underlying reason. We don't just become that way over night. We are the way we are for a reason. Something or someone in our life has influenced the attitude or mood that we have. I try to stay positive.
It kind of goes back to the Bible verse that basically states in a sum of words:"Do not worry about the speck in someone elses eye, when you yourself have a plank in your own eye". I was reminded of this today when I began mentally bashing a friend of mine. As I started to verbalize it to someone else out loud, I also stated aloud, "Wait a minute, I am sorry, nevermind...I have no room to talk." I caught myself this time...I was making a mental effort to put into practice what I believe. It made me wonder though how many times do I do it without thinking. I don't know that I do, but it made me wonder. I felt horrible. I try not to look through the bamboo tube. But it is the easiest thing to do. For some people it makes them feel better...for me it makes me feel worse. Everyone has a story. Everyone has a struggle, admitedly or not. As a friend it is better to listen and understand, than it is to try to solve the problem or talk about it with others.
I wish I could solve all the problems...but then I would be able to solve mine as well...that would be wonderful! I am putting the bamboo tube down, and every time I am tempted to pick it up...I will throw it farther and farther away from me. This way, I can see the whole leopard, and not just one spot.

Hard Day

Today was really a hard day for me. But it was a day of organizing and cleaning and rejuvinating my surroundings as well. I had a lot of thoughts today about my life. Where it is going, where it's been, what I have done with it...etc. While it was a good day...it was just a very hard day. Like I was pushing my way through it. I needed to work out, and punch a bag or kick my heart out or something...but I had no time. I really need to scream and yell and cry...
I really need to cry...I need to purge everything that is on my mind. I am almost to afraid to write it in this blog. I should. But I am afraid of what my readers may discover and think.
I am so tired, it is after midnight. Doug and the kids are sleeping. It is quiet, except for my music. I love my music. But I also love stillness and silence.
I want to spill this feeling out so bad.......
I am so afraid.....

Finding my Heartbeat

My heart beat...
I am trying to find my heart beat.
I am searching for my pulse.
I can feel my heart race.
I can feel it jump.
It is when someone talk about children or people in need.
It is when I see it first hand.
I love to sit and listen to people tell me their stories.
I love laugh with them and cry with them.
I love to hug them and make them feel better.
I love being a friend, whatever it takes.
Where is your heart beat?
Have you found it?
What makes your pulse run wild?
Love makes my heart beat faster.
Living for others makes my pulse deeper.
What makes your heart race?

Midnight Moon

A silent voice is what I heard.
It knew my name, it knew my whole name.
In the dark, I heard it call me. In the quiet stillness of the midnight moon, it drew me in. I fell deep into the restful, silent sound. Nothing ever sounded so sweet. I wiped the tear from cheek. I wasn't sure whether it was happiness, or if it was sadness that came over me. While I felt at peace, I wasn't sure.

When the voice said my name, it was clearer than anything before. A silent ringing in my ears. My eyes had been closed. I then heard my full name, as if it were being spelled out to me. My eyes were wide open. I almost sat up. But I couldn't.
I was frozen in my position. Maybe I was tired. But I think it was more than that. Like something was holding me down. I could only look up and out the pane of glass at the bright, white moon.

I kept hearing the silence of my name. Over and over again, as if it was drawing closer to me. But maybe I was afraid. Maybe I was terrified to move, to see if anything but the moon was there. And all at once I sat up with some release of overwhelming strength, almost like I was pushed. I stared forward for just a moment.
Then slowly, almost reluctantly, I forced myself to look outside the window beside me. I looked down to the ground. And there I saw his silhouette, standing in the snow.

His hands in his pockets, his head looking down at the covered, white earth below. And like a moon beam shining on him, I saw his head slowly turn up. As he did, his silent voice said my name once again. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't.
My heart was beating to fast; so fast I could hear it in my head and feel it in my throat.

His gaze met mine. And it only took a moment for me to see the sparkle of the moon in his dark eyes. For a brief second, I thought I felt terrified. I couldn't move once again. Like he had me locked into his sight. It nearly felt like he was beside me. He took his hands from his pockets. And reached his arms out from his body. He lifted his palms to the heavens. And I heard him silently whisper it again. I saw nothing but a black form, until that moment. Then I saw small red drops slowly drip from his hands to the white snow beneath him. Around his head started to form beads of red drops, forming a crown. It started to stream down his cheeks. And I saw crystal tears streaming from his eyes. He closed his eyes, and looked up to the skies. The moon shone brighter than ever at that moment. He said my full name again, and then with one last breath, he said "I did this for you".

In an instant it was all gone. Like I had blinked my eyes and it all disappeared. But the image was still engraved in my eyes, my mind, and my soul.
I fell backward onto the white sheets, my eyes closing as I fell. As I wiped the tears from my cheek, I realized I was happy and sad all at once. I felt at peace that he did it for me, but that it cost him pain and suffering, and even his life. But I remembered his arms outstretched. And just like my grandpa used to tell me, I could hear the silent voice speak to me again, and He said, "Yes, I love you that much."

In peace I rested, no longer afraid. I was content to find solace, under the quiet stillness of the midnight moon.

Focus on the pieces of Peace

I am inspired to reminisce in the moments of peace that I find in my life. The moments where I see my children sleeping and they look so angelic. It's when I stroke the hair away from my daughters cheek and tuck it behind her ear and she looks like a sleeping porcelain china doll. The times I rub my sons back and sing "Hush Little Baby" to him until he sleeps. It is peaceful and it is quiet. I used to rock and sing Olivia to sleep years ago and sit a while longer, holding her praying to God. I realized how much I loved those little ones. Also, during this time, I was in love with God and we were close. I was at peace. I would never have thought that could change. But it is lost and and I am on the journey to find it. I know where it is, but I scared to reach out grab it. Peace is just a moment away. But I am terrified to rest in it. That sounds like an oxymoron. But it is the truth. My children need me to find this peace. They are falling apart as well as I. I am challenged to find this within only a few days time. The remedy to a successful marriage and calm, compliant family life is for me to focus on the pieces of peace I find in my life. The kisses, the hugs, the laughter, the smiles, the joy, and the heart of my life. It is written in God's word that the pure in heart see God, and the peacemakers are called the sons of God. It also states that those who hunger for his righteousness shall be filled. Matthew 5:3-11 is a promise that I intend to hold close to my heart. Most people know it as the passage of beatitudes.
The thing is that God has never left me and He is still in love with me. But I have grown lax and fallen out of deepest love for him, because I have been selfish and I am wasting his precious time. It's time to fall in love with Him again. And everything else will fall into place. Psalm 119:9-11 says "How can a person cleanse his way? By taking heed to Your word, with my whole heart I have sought you, let me not wander from your commandments, your word I hide in my heart, that I might not sin against you". Psalm 139 tells me how much he knows me: "You are acquainted with all my ways". Psalm 71:5 says "For you are my hope, O Lord God; You are my trust from my youth." In the next passage, we receive a promise: Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

It is now the time to find him, to rest in his peace, his strength. To focus on the peace that he give us. It is the challenge to seek Him. It is time to fall in love all over again.

We paint a picture of happiness and say everything is good. And while it might be that day or that hour or maybe, just that minute, the moments before may have been far from okay. Or even the moments after may be horrid. It is our choice, really. But in the same respect, there are forces that be around us that make a difference in how we view things and we are tempted consistantly with the idea of giving up. Or at least I am. I am tempted with that notion. But I have not given into it yet. I give into all the others, but not this one. I am trying so desperately to do what is right and for now it is working. Working... just working...it isn't the best, but it's working. I guess if it's working then I should just keep going with it then. That doesn't mean I am thrilled about it, but I am in it for the long haul, I think.
Oh well, better to be stuck in something that is working, than to be stuck in a hopeless case.

Journey, Day Three:
I haven't blogged since before I started this journey. And if you have read this, you are probably wondering where my journey is to. But I ask you, does a journey have to be somewhere? Why not Someone?
I am on a journey to someone. I will find her. She does exist. And she is beautiful. She is amazing. Her heart is so full of love that she could burst.

Today was difficult. I found myself indulging in the idea of returning. Why I would want to forfeit leaving the path to someone great, I am not for certain. But it takes discipline on my part. I am to follow certain rules. Certain guidelines. Any of which, not followed, can lead to my demise. I am suffering from headaches, dizzyness, and sleeplessness. I must buy a gimungous bottle of ibuprofen today(note to self).

Also,I feel like I am missing out on sharing a special love that I need in my life. There are only certain people who have this love. Only certain people get it. Only certain people can handle it. Others try it, and it is not for them. They either do not like it, or plainly don't know how to share it. Some have it, and never know until they find a kindred spirit to share it with. Those who don't understand it, don't want to take their time. It takes time. It takes a deepness. It is both refreshing and peaceful. It is exhilarating and exciting. It's erotic and unique. And I wish I had a kindred soul to share it with.

Regardless, my journey is not about that. It is what I think about a lot. I am not trying to find that kindred spirit. But it may be someone I find along the way, without purposefully seeking it. A few things I want to think about today are that: Age is irrelevent and Sleep is overrated.
Both are neccessary, but I could do without much of both.
When I was 21 I was very much involved with a 47 year old. Age was very relevent then, but it didn't seem to be at the time. If I thought about that now...I am 30 and he is a drunken, pool-playing/gambling 56 year old. He has not grown up. He wasn't grown up then. And neither was I, but then again, I was only 21. When I say Age is irrelevent, I mean that it is not important to focus on how old we presonally become. (I am not talking about relationships. Relationships and age are relevent on a different level.) We have all heard the phrases, "you are only as old as you feel" and "young at heart". I usually feel "young at heart", but I am feeling quite old lately. I am not sleeping and not as energetic as I once used to be. I am remembering most of my dreams. And while most of them are mild, some of them are terrifying. There are moments when I feel like there are great walls closing in on me and suffocating me. I can barely breathe without feeling tired or sad. I don't think that it's exactly depression. But I don't know what it is to be called.

It is a deepness. A darkness. Something I can almost feel in the back of my throat. Something that keeps me awake, tossing and turning. Something that makes this journey much more difficult to accomplish. But in the end, I feel like it will be gone. It is like a burden. But I don't know what the burden is. I aim to find that out on this journey and relieve it. I am pressing forward, even if it feels like I am dragging the half of me.

The Journey Begins!

I start a journey tomorrow. I may fail the very next day. In which case, I will need to start again. But I start the journey tomorrow. I cannot wait to go. I am searching for something. I will find something. I don't know what it will look like exactly. But I know what I am trying to find. I know what I think it looks like. It will be a hard journey. Full of blood, sweat, and tears. It will hurt like hell. I will hate it by the end of the week, and then love it the day after. It will be hard to keep going. In fact, I may try to turn around or sluff off the path at any given moment. I know this, because I have done it too many times before.
My journey starts tomorrow. I wish I had a companion along the way. But I think this is one I will have to do myself. I have tried to take friends before, and that has never worked. They were never looking for the same thing. So they always jump ship before it gets to deep. My sails will be broken and my ship will tip over a few times. But in the end...let's hope I am not cap-sized and drowned in the misery of my same old life again.
It's a quest. A journey. It's hell. It will be heaven. It will be miserable, it will be glorious. I will fall down a million times. I will pick myself up a million times.

Tomorrow....I start my journey, alone.

November rain

Shhhhhhhhhhhh....
The quiet solace.
I heard each and every drop fall as I lay awake in the dark of the morning. I could hear it tapping on the windows. Tap, Tap....tap, tap. I thought of you. I wrapped myslef up tightly in my down comforter and dreamt I kissed you. I lay still and felt the cold raindrops fall upon me. I revelled in the warmth of an embrace.
Shhhhhhhhhhhh.
When I woke there was still no sun, but daylight. But it rained a November rain all day today. And I thought of you.

My heart on my sleeve...

Oh how I wish that I could waste away the time
And tell him that I want him to be mine
To hold forever in my arms
To keep him safe from the harms
That life keeps throwing him out of line.

We keep dancing around the issues at heart,
But I can't tell you how I wish we weren't apart
It's not the right time,
Will it ever be right?
I wish I dared to tell you where my love could start.

If I could just reach you where you are
And you could see my heart that far
I am hidden away inside this tomb
Created in my mother's womb
And Oh, that I hate, I can't tell if you care.

Faithfully, I run home each and every night,
But instead I wish I had you to hold me tight,
I wish I could say all I need to now,
But the truth is, I don't know how;
And if I did, it would never be right.

I see you standing alone, and I'm fine.
When your standing with her, I wish you were mine.
I wish I could steal you away with me,
Have some fine wine in maybe, Italy,
Oh that our hearts for each other would pine.

I'd fall asleep in your arms in a heart beat,
I'd die for your life to keep.
And when the day is done and there is no more
I'd love you still, walking out that door,
Knowing you'd return at the end of the week.

Problem is, you don't even know it is you,
You don't know that I long for us two,
I want the longest, sweetest kiss,
Standing alone in prevocative bliss,
While I'm remembering all my dreams that ensue.

You need to know that in that first moment I saw you,
I saw your heart, and I wanted it, I connected with you...
And on this November day,
I just needed you to hear me say,
That I want you more than ever before, I need you.

I hope you finally read this tonight,
For whatever reason you haven't just yet,
I hope that you know that it's you,
The one sitting alone, yes, you...
And the biggest smile of confusion on you I'll bet.

You are asking yourself, if it is you I mean,
And yes it is, I am telling you now so it seems,
My heart is open, and my life is too,
All I want is to give it to you,
I am tired of remembering you only in a dream.


I am wearing my heart, on my sleeve....

Today

Today is election day. But for me that is not my greatest concern.

Today, I wish to live simply.

Today I feel like screaming. I feel like crying. I feel like using all the martial arts I know on someone, no, not something...someone. But someone who can dish it back and suck it up when struck. The anxiety I feel today is unbelievably great. And while I feel all of this at once, I say nothing. I just type. I write in this blog. It is the only thing I can afford to do at the moment. It is the only thing that I have time to escape to. I am watching my house become cluttered with everything! I want to live in a box. I want a one room apartment with a nice plush bed, a couch, a small t.v., a decent stereo system for blaring my music, and plenty of floor space, so I can dance and fight until my hearts content. I want distance. I want solitude. I want simplicity. And I want it all black and white. I want one glass wall. I want one lamp, one chair, one table, one dining set. I want one bottle of soap and shampoo in the shower. I want one bath towel. One pan, one skillet, and one baking dish. ONE. I want space. I want to be able to have white carpets. I want crisp white sheets. A white down comforter and black pillows. I want a PO Box and no mail at my house. No papers to clutter up my space. I do everything electronically anyway. So, of course I want that laptop(the one I dream of having some day!).

Life is way to complicated. And I just want to live deliberately and freely, simply and peacefully. It may sound lonely, but that is what I want right now, this very moment.

I want to find myself again. Although I sound selfish, I am just tired and done with being passive.

"To be simple is to be stupid, but to live simply is to understand."

"Livisms"

My daughter Olivia said the funniest thing the other day. While we were hanging out in the tent trying to camp out the other night, my son pointed out that we were going to be completely frozen "like ice cream". So my daughter, without a second to spare replied to his comment with, "Well, then I would lick you!"
I about died in laughter. It was the funniest thing she has said in while. She has these funny ways of seeing things, and saying things and it cracks me up. She will not call my mother Grandma Becky, even though now she can say that clear as day. But she used to call her Grandma "Ducky", because she thought that is what we said. So that is still what she calls her. And the show "Little Einstiens" is still "little Shine-shines". Just because.
So today, I asked her: "Liv, if I was an ice cream cone, what would you do?" She replied, "I'd lick you!"
I love it!!! She is gonna be a hoot!!! I can't wait to hear what she comes up with next.

Wisdom from a Panda

See More Kung Fu Panda Publicity Still at IGN.com

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that is why it is called the present." Kung Fu Panda

I love history, love mysteries, and love presents, both giving and receiving...maybe more so in the giving. I read something that challenged me today. I had to ask myself if I am happy with where I am at. I think that in some ways I am. In others, not so much. In that moment, I also realized the things that I am happy with are the things that I can change with positive results. The things that I am not happy with are things that I cannot change without consequence. Apart from the physical being of myself, I am happy with who I am. I am at turmoil with the life that surrounds me. Who I want to be someday, and who I am now are two very different people. But I cannot have one without the other. I must walk through these moments in my life to accomplish the moments ahead. I must overcome the things that pain me, to find real joy in the end. I want to be more of what I am, and more than I am. I need yesterday to get me to tomorrow. I must have today, to make it better than yesterday.

Today is one day closer to tomorrow.

"You can't make me say something I don't want to say"

This was the response I received today when I told my husband that I loved him.

I said "Hey, I love you.", while grabbing a hold of his arm and looking into his eyes with a smile on my face. After receiving no immediate response, I released him, and said "I do." (Thinking maybe he wasn't convinced.) He was looking at me with this stubborn gaze. As he started walking away from me, he then said "Yeah, I like you." When I replied with a "Thanks,that means a lot!", I was given the "You can't make me say something I don't want to say."

Who says that to someone??? I felt horrible. I just walked outside to go finish grilling the burgers for lunch and wiped the tears from my eyes before he saw and called me a baby for feeling wounded. (Which yes, has happened before. I quit crying in front of him a long time ago.)

I wish that marriage wasn't this complicated task! It is so damn hard! I was reminded today that all I ever do is compromise to make it work. I already knew that, but I actually said it out loud to a friend. The moment I did, I felt so defeated, so used, and so embarrased. I have another friend that says admittance is the first sign of recovery...not sure I want to recover from this one.

Stupid marriage contracts. Stupid love. But isn't it like they say... "Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all"? I feel trapped most of the time and while I try to shy away from the feeling of being confined to one love, it is the one thing that keeps me awake at night. It is the constant nagging feeling I get when I sit on the fence and admire the grass on the other side...

No one should ever say what the don't want to, but why pretend otherwise as well??

Tears....

I wish that I could just cry today... I have been on the verge....I wiped them all away at chuch today...but there is still that gut-wrenching expolsion that has not happened that normally does when a person really cries. I feel like crying, but I can't. I just won't do it...
I wish, that I could just cry today....

There are some days that I feel I am more alive than others....This, would be one of those days!

It never ends!

Just when you think you have it all together, you get a shot of reality....
As I walk through the house that still smells, no wreaks of fried Bacon that I made last night. It is the first thing I smell when I walk in the house. And the mess that still sits there because I had no time to clean it today. The laundry that I had to sort into small mounds by clolour that used to be one big colorful mountain all over my kitchen, hallway floor because I dare not throw them down the basement stairs or I will forget that I have laundry to do. I have a sink full of dishes and kitchen floor to mop and sweep.
But I have been cleaning all day....if you walked into my house and saw only my kitchen you would not believe me. I am now to tired at this time of night to clean it. I am heading to bed soon. And I will clean the kitchen tomorrow. While I clean the kitchen, my upstairs will, (I know this for a fact), yes, will be hit by a tornado. It is a never ending cycle of crazy motherly cleaning, and I am exhausted! Why can't I be wealthy enough for a maid!!!???
LOL

Jeff Buckley- Hallelujah

I love this song...when they bury me, I want this song played as they lower me into the ground.

Porcelain Heart, by Barlow Girl

Broken heart one more time
Pick yourself up, why even cry
Broken pieces in your hands
Wonder how you'll make it whole

[Chorus:]
You know, you pray
This can't be the way
You cry, you say
Something's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine

Someone said "A broken heart
Would sting at first then make you stronger"
You wonder why this pain remains
Were hearts made whole just to break

Creator only You take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again

What shall I paint for you today?

I painted a picture today.
It had you in mind.
It's sky was brilliant.
It was grounded in solid rocks.
The waves spoke in eloquent form.
It's mountains reached highest heavens.
It's valleys were full of peaceful streams.
You were there.
As if I were looking down from far above,
I could see you.
You were happy.
You had no more tears, no more pain.
Your smile was bright,
I knew that you had found something.
I tried to think of what it might be,
I wanted to paint it there with you.
I thought a while about what to stroke,
My brush in hand, my paints in the other.
So I painted an eagle in the sky for a while,
Until I could get it right.
"What might make you happy?" I thought.
I painted a tree and then a steer.
I was lost for a moment.
Why can't I think of something to make you happy?
I want it to bring you peace.
I want it to bring you joy.
You need it live each day and night, even when your away.
You must have it by your side,
You will keep it in your heart.
But I am lost, so lost this moment.
I don't know what to paint for you.
I wish I could ask you to help me.
But this, I shouldn't do.
Tell me, tell me, what do you desire?
What would make you happiest?
What shall I paint for you today?

Politics, Olympics, and my Robin Williams

If you ask me who I a voting for, I couldn't tell you. I have no idea at this point. I watch and listen. I try to see both sides. But honestly, as many may agree, I am not thoroughly impressed with either party this election.
While I commend McCain and his POW days, and Palin in her powerful "lipstick" speeches, I don't know if them running the country is the greatest idea. Don't get me wrong, they are great. But McCain is aged, and if something were to happen to him, Palin would take his place in the presidency. I wonder how great of a moment that will be. I am all for women and thier rights. But when it comes to a leader of a country, I would prefer a man. A man is more rational, not as emotional.
Then we have Obama. I am not sold on him one bit, even with his very happy looking family. I feel like he is a product to be sold and not the leader that we need. His perfect smile, his peaceful demeanor, his rational thoughts...they seem so sureal.
I have heard the rumors of his connections with his muslim backround and I remember them warning us they would attack us from the inside one day soon. He may not be the one, but what if he was?? I shudder at the thought.

I enjoy the fact that Sarah Palin is portraying a real family...screwed up and all. But that doesn't divert from the fact that she looks like she just came from a pageant.

Anyway,
I have a clip here that I really enjoyed the other night. Robin Williams starts out talking about George W. and ends up talking about Obama in the end...with a bunch of crazy nutty stuff in the middle...that's my Robin!



I guess I have two more months yet to decide...

A couple thoughts

When things seem to turn out right, something always goes wrong.
I am an optimist by nature, but lately, not so much.
I find the Garden of Eden to be a myserious place, where peace begins and love remains. It is the forbidden room in a mansion's west wing. It holds the keys to life evermore. It was the beginning of the end.
There was nothing to worry about there...or was there?
How did this serpant, so undetected find his way inside the garden, inside Eve's heart, and capture her soul?
Who are the serpants in our life? The ones that lead us in a different direction. The ones that talk us out of going the right direction.
What is the right direction? Does anyone really know? Every road leads to somewhere...but how do we know were it leads until we get there?

On another note:
I am frustrated tonight at the road I am on. I am tired. I am so angry with people. Everywhere I turn, people in my life let me down. They are so unloyal. They never say what they mean. They speak out of two sides of their mouth, and when caught, they act like it's my fault.
I am so tired of being the peacemaker, I am tired of turning the other cheek. When is it time to call it quits and throw in the towel? Is it ever time?
I trust everyone. I trust them until I can't. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and treat everyone with dignity and respect. In return, I get rejected and turned away. I get forgotten.
This isn't a "woe is me pity party time". It's a time where I just feel like screaming! My heart hurts so bad it doesn't know what to do anymore...

Tonight

Tonight I cannot breathe....
I cannot sleep...
I am filled with angst.

My eyes have beheld his beauty,
My ears have heard his voice.

But he is as the fruit on a tree so forbidden...

I am not at peace tonight.
I will toss and turn all night.
I dream with my eyes wide open now.

Eve is losing her grip...
She cannot take it anymore..
She is ready to fall...
Will someone catch her before?

If I had no scars

If I had no scars from healing,
I would have never known the pain...
That has built me what I am today.
My life is not in vain.

I trip and fall, I scrape my knees...
My hands are ripped and bleeding.
Words of advice run through my head,
I haven't taken to heading.

My heart's been crushed and broken,
My viens exude and poor out the venom.
I scream, I cry, I kick, I fall...
In life's great big phenom.

I suffer for a cause today,
To live my life within a means...
One that was given, by a sacrafice..
I am scarred for life it seems.

I am so confused....
I am soo torn.
I want something I can't have.
I know better.
I am really trying to maintain happiness here in the current situation.
I do not feel contentment anymore and it's driving me crazy!

It has occured to me...

Recently, it has occurred to me that I have had a most interesting year. Last year at this time, I was getting ready for a funeral. My husband's uncle had passed. I took a day of bereavement. I wish now that I had not done that. My boss was even at the funeral even though she was receiving text messages and phone calls during the service. Mind you this is a woman who was in a high position in the court house. She is older than my mother by almost 15 years, and should be ready to retire soon. Anyway, when I came back to my job on Monday, the one I planned to retire from, she let me go. It was completely devistating and I was so suprised. I asked her what for. Basically, I was "too nice". She accussed me of laughing one day(3 mos. prior to this day), and said that she just had to stick to her decision. She was too proud to admit she was wrong in the end, because after I talked to her about some things, she said that in my postion "would have done the same thing I did". That day, I began a seven month discovery of what it's like to be a stay-at-home mom. I did not want to continue with that, as much as I love my kids. I just couldn't stay home. After seven months of looking for just the right thing, I landed my current job at a dentists office. I keep running into my old boss everywhere. She is after all a long time family friend of my husbands side. This summer, I was challenged when I spoke to her the first time after she fired me. She asked me if I had obtained the job at the dentists. And in true form, when I confirmed that I had, she took the credit for giving me a great review, which she thought must have instrumental to my hiring. (Obviously, thinking I am incompetent on my own). I just politely said "Thank You", while all the while cringing inside, as I cannot stand people that speak out of both sides of their mouth on purpose. But I didn't, as it was obvious that a higher power was taking matters into his own hands, as she sat in her wheelchair that day. She had slipped and fallen, and broke her leg pretty bad, shortly after my departure. It took months to heal.
But in all of that here are the things I discovered:
I am not an organized neat-freak mom, who enjoys watching TV all day, eating bon-bons and doing laundry. I have to be out somewhere in the community, pulling people together.
I am stronger than I was a year ago, both personally and spiritually.
I am resilient, and able to stand alone if need be.
Sometimes, waiting for a long time, has the greatest reward. Thus the phrase:"Good things come to those who wait."
Literally, "What goes around, comes around!"
And, you know, I am "too nice", but damn proud of it!!
Last but not least...I can't wait, for some 'nice', real people to move into the White House and make this country finally feel like home.
Maybe none of those make any sense all together, they are random thoughts.
But all because of one life changing experience, I am who I am today.

Hero Needed

Written Summer 2008

She was heart, she was soul,
Her mind was full of thought-
Never had she been so alone-
Never had she felt so invisible-
She was bright red...
How could she not be seen?
How could she be forgotten-
Why was she so far away?
No one even noticed, she keeps it together,
She holds it all in.
She was bleeding peace, Inside screaming "war"!
She didn't want war, it was just there inside her.
It was a war in her soul-
Should she be herself, she may die.
No, she would surely die.
Her nerves were shot, even her eyes twitched.
She wants to tell him.......
He is right there-right outside-
And she can say nothing.
She is forbidden by right of law,
By papers signed, a vow
Not that she wishes to change that
Because it is in it's sense a wonderful thing,
Yet it contrains her to be someone she has forced for years.
It has become comfortable-it has been secure.
She wouldn't want to lose it for the world
It has been the one sure thing in her life.
How could she change it now.
But why, why is she so torn?
Is it her turn to cry?
Is her river to just run it's course, then dry up and die?
Is it to run dry with only one love?
Why not two or three- or why at all?
She cannot believe that this is it.
She sees something different.
Almost like she knows-
Almost like she can feel the uncertainty to come;
The unpresent nature that she dreads.
But like it's also there haunting her life, maybe her death.
No life can change that much that she coul not see it coming,
Breaking free.....
That would be bliss.
Still quiet her soul as it would appear outwardly
But inside, it is screaming for more...more!
There is such a hole that would not be filled-
And then to encounter death-
Surely then all would break-
No hero could put those pieces together, they would grow weary
He could try his best, but would nver have the whole her-
He eventually would be lost too.
He would have already given al he could,
And no peace would come of this-no joy.
He would not be happy.
So she is doomed, destined to tell him so,
So hat he may spare himself the weary trouble-
Why then must she let him suffer..
She nor he will ever be happy.
She must let her hero go.
His bright and shiny smile!
His eyes so light, yet weary-
She must let him go, before it even becomes of her...
She will love the hero she has now, she will love the one who loves her now
She will be happily forged not forced into his comfort
His arms wide open-his quiet strength known
His patience
His breadth, depth, heigth of love are marking.
So true -but maybe lost-
He must be the only one for her, now and forevermore.
He says he loves her even in her weakness, Even in the tomb that she is trapped in.
Nothing else compares to a quiet, simple, steadfast love like his, in sicknes
or in health.
So, he bing true to his word-
And she has been so blind to that until now.
She is such a fool
While she isn't herself He remains to keep his word-
He is open, honest, and true
And it takes the breath away...
Of the one who loves her most-
Although this gives her some peace-
She still feels that there are unresolved dilemmas
Soon must be addressed-
she is still that tool...
The object, not the love of his affection-
all she wants to know is how to become that,
That which he loves more than anything,
That which he can trust,
which he can embrace and intimately love...
He kisses not her lips.
He withdrawls, what is he so afraid of
that he can't just be one with her?
Is it that he was one with another and there is no going back?
No moving on...no other "one"?
Why, and how can that be??
That is just not fair!
What did I ever do to deserve such lack of love?
It shouldn't be this way.
Why should I settle for less, when I deserve so much more.
I used to deserve it, maybe not so much now?
I have let so many things go, so many!!
But I used to deserve it, I used to believe that too.
Love became corrupted...
But when?
It is no longer and maybe never was pure and complete.
I must stop dreaming a better dream and be happy with the one I have-
I have a great dream, but it could be changed just a little
New love would change everything and everyone...
but our same life would still exist, our same home, same family, same jobs...
But better, so much better...
I want and believe we can have so much better...
So, How does this happen?
Where does that start? With one simple choice.
But shouldn't every one make that same choice?
One cannot stand alone, but two can stand as one!
when does that begin? Can't that begin now, right here?
I am selfish...
For wanting anything more than I already have...

Lifehouse has me pegged...

Click on the YouTube clip above. Don't forget to turn my playlist off before you start. These two songs, Broken and Storm, I added to my playlist because they are the songs that describe me best and I love them. Enjoy!