"You can't make me say something I don't want to say"

This was the response I received today when I told my husband that I loved him.

I said "Hey, I love you.", while grabbing a hold of his arm and looking into his eyes with a smile on my face. After receiving no immediate response, I released him, and said "I do." (Thinking maybe he wasn't convinced.) He was looking at me with this stubborn gaze. As he started walking away from me, he then said "Yeah, I like you." When I replied with a "Thanks,that means a lot!", I was given the "You can't make me say something I don't want to say."

Who says that to someone??? I felt horrible. I just walked outside to go finish grilling the burgers for lunch and wiped the tears from my eyes before he saw and called me a baby for feeling wounded. (Which yes, has happened before. I quit crying in front of him a long time ago.)

I wish that marriage wasn't this complicated task! It is so damn hard! I was reminded today that all I ever do is compromise to make it work. I already knew that, but I actually said it out loud to a friend. The moment I did, I felt so defeated, so used, and so embarrased. I have another friend that says admittance is the first sign of recovery...not sure I want to recover from this one.

Stupid marriage contracts. Stupid love. But isn't it like they say... "Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all"? I feel trapped most of the time and while I try to shy away from the feeling of being confined to one love, it is the one thing that keeps me awake at night. It is the constant nagging feeling I get when I sit on the fence and admire the grass on the other side...

No one should ever say what the don't want to, but why pretend otherwise as well??