Journey, Day Three:
I haven't blogged since before I started this journey. And if you have read this, you are probably wondering where my journey is to. But I ask you, does a journey have to be somewhere? Why not Someone?
I am on a journey to someone. I will find her. She does exist. And she is beautiful. She is amazing. Her heart is so full of love that she could burst.

Today was difficult. I found myself indulging in the idea of returning. Why I would want to forfeit leaving the path to someone great, I am not for certain. But it takes discipline on my part. I am to follow certain rules. Certain guidelines. Any of which, not followed, can lead to my demise. I am suffering from headaches, dizzyness, and sleeplessness. I must buy a gimungous bottle of ibuprofen today(note to self).

Also,I feel like I am missing out on sharing a special love that I need in my life. There are only certain people who have this love. Only certain people get it. Only certain people can handle it. Others try it, and it is not for them. They either do not like it, or plainly don't know how to share it. Some have it, and never know until they find a kindred spirit to share it with. Those who don't understand it, don't want to take their time. It takes time. It takes a deepness. It is both refreshing and peaceful. It is exhilarating and exciting. It's erotic and unique. And I wish I had a kindred soul to share it with.

Regardless, my journey is not about that. It is what I think about a lot. I am not trying to find that kindred spirit. But it may be someone I find along the way, without purposefully seeking it. A few things I want to think about today are that: Age is irrelevent and Sleep is overrated.
Both are neccessary, but I could do without much of both.
When I was 21 I was very much involved with a 47 year old. Age was very relevent then, but it didn't seem to be at the time. If I thought about that now...I am 30 and he is a drunken, pool-playing/gambling 56 year old. He has not grown up. He wasn't grown up then. And neither was I, but then again, I was only 21. When I say Age is irrelevent, I mean that it is not important to focus on how old we presonally become. (I am not talking about relationships. Relationships and age are relevent on a different level.) We have all heard the phrases, "you are only as old as you feel" and "young at heart". I usually feel "young at heart", but I am feeling quite old lately. I am not sleeping and not as energetic as I once used to be. I am remembering most of my dreams. And while most of them are mild, some of them are terrifying. There are moments when I feel like there are great walls closing in on me and suffocating me. I can barely breathe without feeling tired or sad. I don't think that it's exactly depression. But I don't know what it is to be called.

It is a deepness. A darkness. Something I can almost feel in the back of my throat. Something that keeps me awake, tossing and turning. Something that makes this journey much more difficult to accomplish. But in the end, I feel like it will be gone. It is like a burden. But I don't know what the burden is. I aim to find that out on this journey and relieve it. I am pressing forward, even if it feels like I am dragging the half of me.