Crashing waves
Emotions rise
Times are changing
A new year
A new decade
A new era in my life

Bleeding heart
Empty tears
Love is restless
A new time
A new place
A strange way to begin

I feel so lost without you....God, I miss you....I'm in so much pain right now. I need to sit down and connect the way we used to.

I thought of you today.
I still love you.
Still miss you...still wish I could have you. I need you...

Winter

Today the snow is falling light little snowflakes all over the ground like pretty white petals from a flower. The last few days, you have been on my mind. It is difficult for me to explain why. You have been gone for a while. You have not responded to any of my holiday or birthday greetings. It makes me wonder if you have read this. I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your complexity. I miss the way you look so confused at me when I start rambling. I miss our connection. Things feel kinda backwards without you. Wish I could just pick up the phone and ask you how things are going. I wonder what you're reading now. I wonder if you are happy.
I miss you. I miss falling asleep dreaming of you. Wish you know how much I loved you, even now, after so much time has passed....

Again I dreamt of you. I have to admit that it has been a while now though. You have not been around. I have not forgotten you. But it is easier to not have you here. I am not at peace though. Ever since you told me that you were getting married, I have shut down. I am beginning to realize it more and more. I was alive when I had hope. Now that there is none...I am feeling so alone. So dead. I struggle to breathe again. I struggle to stay afloat. I used to have you to look forward to seeing even for a moment. Now, there is not even that. I often wonder how happy you are. I wish for nothing more than your happiness...but also wish I could shake my own dispair. How did I get here? How did I lose sight of my life? How did I miss my calling so long ago, that I could possibly be still soooo hung up on you? Not that you aren't a good thing to be hung up on. But, I need a diversion. I need to find peace again.
You might think that I should peace in God. While this is true, I am so very human. There is still that feeling inside my gut. That nagging feeling that won't go away. I miss you so much. Too much.
I will never stop loving you. Ever.

Sundays

Sundays aren't the same; they are beautiful, but not the same.
I missed looking out today and watching you smile. I missed seeing you watch the screen and listen to every word. I missed seeing you make notes with your left hand.

Wonder when I will stop missing you....

I dreamt the other night that we met in an airport. We talked forever. I told you that I had missed you, and you were so suprised. Then I woke. The next night I fell asleep, you were walking towards me in another dream. This time you told me that you had missed me too. You reached out your arms and drew me in close. I awoke.

I am so tired of dancing around dreams. I wish I could just tell you what I am feeling. I wish I could just know what you thought. I know that I had to have imagined everything....but then I wonder......

Will I ever stop missing you, love? Will it ever stop hurting so incredibly?

you look just like him

I am still surrounded by the image of you. I see you in your brothers eyes and smile, and hear you when he talks. I see you in your fathers laughter. It reminds me of you. I wish that I could see you. Just want to look into your eyes, so that I can keep it here in my mind sharper than it has been for a while. I miss you. I imagine your arms around me every night before I fall sleep. You are almost one of the first things I think of when I wake up in the morning. I don't know why that is. It just is. Today is beautiful.

I miss you today. The air is getting cold, and it's about that time of year when I start thinking about curling up in the corner of the couch with a blanket with a hot cup of tea and honey. Staring into nothing, thinking of your arms wrapped around me. I can see your eyes. But they are fading now. I haven't seen you for a while, and even though I can make out your image in my mind, it's not as sharp as it used to be. I listen to my music, and muse that someday soon, I will see you again.
I still love you just the same, but it has been easier for my heart not to ache. It has been a busy, but confusing summer. And while I seem to ahve shut down, fall always brings me back to life. I miss you today, and wish that you could know.

It seems absurd, but I miss you today. I really do. You are the love of my heart. I can't seem to shake you from my thoughts. I wish that I could tell you this, that you were still available to tell. I feel like that when you are away you are almost dead to me. Like you don't even exist. I am really not that far from you most of the time. But it seems that you are so far away. Wish I could pick up the telephone and call you, tell you I miss you, how much I love you, and how I can't wait to see you again. It would mean nothing to you though I am sure. You don't even know that I feel this way about you. How is it possible to love someone so much that never has or never will love you back??
I should have said something when I had the chance. But then again, I would not have had a chance, in this tomb I call a body. I am so lost in here. You could never love this. Knowing me, you would never fall for this.

I fell asleep in your arms

Again, I fell asleep in your arms
I know I must have been dreaming
You are not here for me at all,
Sometimes I wish I never knew you.

Again, I kiss your soft lips goodnight
I wrap the sheet around me close
I am cold, and somehow feel your warmth
It wraps my like a warm blanket.

Again, I feel your hand intertwine with mine
I pull your arms around me
Curling up beside the warmth of your body
I remember the first day I ever saw you.

Again, I feel so alone, even though I dream of you
I feel like I cannot find peace
I miss you so much, so very much
Is love alive in you, it is in me.

Never again, will I ever love anyone the way that I have loved you all these years, as silent as they have been. I wish you would read this!!! God, I miss you!!! I miss you, I love you, I need you!

If you are reading this....yes, it is you I am talking to. I don't need a psychologist to tell me why I love you, or how, or what to do about it. I have to figure this out on my own. I have to love you my way. I cannot embarrass you or me, or make things worse, or feel stupid, or break your heart...

So then no sooner did I write my last blog entry and there you are...showing up for an entire week, I see you every day. I am not okay with this, as it really hurts me. I am hurt because I know I am living a lie. I am hurt, not because you hurt me, but because i led myself to believe that maybe you felt something back in return. Oh, how I was wrong in every way possible. I can see now that you are happy, I see you laughing a lot. You are playing with all the kids and it cracks me up to see you so playful. Unfortunately this makes me love you even more. It also makes reality very much that...reality!
I hate this!! I don't understand why I can feel this way about someone, I barely know. I know some things about you, but not enough to really pledge Love. It isn't enough to say why I love you. I do believe though in love at first sight. I remember just how it felt and it was instant. It was real.
The only problem is that I then believed somehow that you might feel something, anything, just a tinge towards me. I think now that I couldn't have been more wrong.
I wish I could tell you....
I could; but then what?
Nothing can be done about it.
Just a bunch more of heart-ache, embarrassment, and mixed emotions.
So if you read this, it's either because you stumbled upon it yourself, or I slipped you a piece of paper with the address on it while brave enough to do so, and you ventured to look it up.
If then, you do read this, I need to know. I need to know what it makes you think. What is your thought on what I have said. I can't help how I feel...just keep reading....don't stop reading....it's been years...years...

So, it has been a very long time since I have wrote anything in here. I haven't seen you for nearly 3 months. I'd like to say that I am over you, but I am not. I don't think I ever will be. If you walked into my vision at any moment, I do believe my heart would melt all over again. My thoughts would turn to mush and my heart would pound a thousand times louder than normal, I'd blush and feel overwhelmed with even just the sight of you. You have no idea what this does to me. I keep wondering if you read this that day I slipped up and sent the email with the address to this attached. I would like to think that you did, but then again, I am embarrassed if you did. It is better for you not to know. Then you won't think I am ridiculous. I know that I am. I have been doing a lot of different things to calm the muddled emotions that cloud up my head. Summer has been good to me in that respect. The longer I don't see you, the better. Maybe.

I often wonder if you ever read this....
I miss you...especially today.
I wonder how you are doing, it's been so long since I have seen you.
Love.

Your being away for a while has helped...kind of. I am easily over you, but then again I am a mess. Also, I have given up so many bad habits. So that could be the reason for my mess. I look for you, and you never come, and I am okay with that; but secretly it kills me...

A New Heart

If I could have one wish today it would be that I had a new heart. I do not have a physical heart conditional but an emotional one. I am tied and twisted up in troubled viens of deceit and lust. I am selfish, proud, and everything my mother warned me that I would be. I want what I can't have. I may know my limits most of the time, and I step back to leave the desires of my heart alone, it's killing me. My viens are suffocating. They are on the verge of not pumping the correct amount of blood to my heart and causing a heart attack. I can barely breathe on rainy days. I miss the desires of my heart on snow fallen days, cold days, and dark days. I miss the wind in my hair and the sun on his face. If I could just lie next to him and fall asleep and wake up with a new healed heart that had no desire to hold him so close to it, I would die for it. Can I wake up from this coma that I am in, please?? I am trapped inside my own mind, body, and heart. It will not stay this way, I will explode. I will make a fool of myself, or hurt something, or someone elses heart....
This is killing me softly....for now.
I love him, everyday, more and more.
If I could have one wish today it would be to receive a new heart that feels nothing for you.

Like it was through a window I could see you.
When you leaned over I could see your face.
When you were not looking at me, I gazed in your direction.
When your eyes wondered, I wondered if they found me gazing...
So I looked down, and away, and covered my face with hair.
When we left the room, I would glance to make sure I was ahead of you.
When you left, I made sure that I didn't turn to see you walking towards the door, but I watched you walk away.
I wonder when this will stop.
I wonder when I will get over you, get over it, whatever this is.
my heart sinks every day and I am tired, I miss you

I miss you, even today...the rain is coming in, and it's cold...and I miss you.

Wish that I could tell you this, but you don't even know.

Time can heal a broken heart, but only love can heal a broken soul....

Your eyes

Today my eyes met your eyes, and I couldn't stand it. It made me shudder in pain. I can't stand this much longer. Maybe I can, but I feel I could break at any moment. I am tired. I am ready to tell you. But only when you are ready to hear. I think you may be getting the idea...I hope that you are anyway. I feel cold. i am getting cold. I could be melted in one instant though. Given the chance I could fall all over again. I said hello. But I wanted to say more, even though i ran off looking like I was on a mission and in a hurry. I did this because it hurts too much. I have fallen for a man that I cannot have and I am getting weak. I won't say anything because I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to be stupid. I am feeling stupid... this is all my fault, I have brought all of this stress upon myself and it is just plain stupid. but I wish I could just runall of it by you and and know how you feel...

I saw you today...for the first time in a while...I couldn't make eye contact with you. I am sorry. I set myself up for a ton of hurt, pain, and embarrassment. I feel like a complete idiot around you now. I am fat, annoying, and a burden to everyone around me. Those beautiful crystal eyes of yours should never look into mine. I am incredibly sad. O my God, I miss you!
I can't stand this. I don't know that I can ever talk to you again. It's nothing you did, just everything I dreamed and let fail. I wish I knew if you ever read this. I don't think that you do...but I wish that someday, you would just happen upon it again. That you read it and be amazed with what you read and that you would take the time to find me and hold me.
Why am I so fucking comsumed you??
I hate me....I miss you...God, I hate that I miss you!

It's raining outside today, and I miss him. I really miss him. I hope that he is happy wherever he is today. I really can't wait to just be able to see him again...even if it is just across the room. Why, God? Why do I miss him soo much?
These feelings are not fair. None of this seems fair. I just want to walk away and forget...but then again, I don't.

So after writing things out and "talking" things through so to speak through my blog, I have realized two things. I am never going to have a chance with said love, and again, must reiterrate that I have a happy man in my life willing to stay with me even though I feel slightly buried in this body. He seems to love me still and I never know why.

I am getting over it....very slowly, but surely! Doesn't change a bit how I have felt. It does however make my life a bit easier knowing that I live for a purpose.

That is really all that I can say today...not many words today.
Everything happens for a reason! (sigh)

This is it. I am writing it as if he were reading it. I hope that he does. It's time that I write him a letter. It's time that he knew.
Dear Love,

You have no idea how far my love goes for you. You cannot fathom that it could have happened so quickly and that I could be so sure of it. But know this, I am. Sure as the day that I was born, my love for you is real. I have been struggling for the last week terribly. The news of your recent engagement has made me realize that reality is about to set in once again. I'm sitting in your spot at Starbucks. The one you often would sit in. The one that I would sit across from and ramble on and on as though you wanted to hear it all. Though you may have thought I was a head case or mixed up, or what ever word you thought of, I have to tell you that I couldn't help it. I was and have been head-over-heels in love with you from the very moment I laid eyes on you.

You may ask me when that was. We were at the fair. You were wearing a long coat, fantastic shoes and an ivy league cap. You had a woman at your side that most women love to hate. You introduced her as your fiance or wife; that I cannot remember. My head was spinning. All I could see was your beautiful face. Your smile and your voice tempted me. I was lost in thoughts of you from that moment. Your name impressed me. I have never heard that name before, and never from anyone else since. You were living in Chicago. This was before any of us had children.

When I worked up at the county building I would stamp just about everything that came in with which court it was to go. I saw your name cross my desk. I remember the divorce papers. I remember feeling horrible for you and just sitting there staring at the paper with her name first, verses you. She had filed them. I probably sat stunned for a few minutes. How could you be so horrible that she would leave someone so beautiful. So unique, and amazing. The feelings I felt the first time flooded my mind once again. I was flushed with feelings of anger at her for leaving you. I was emerced in my feelings of pity, but love, for you. I missed you that very moment. I knew that you had lived in town. I knew where too. I had delivered pizza one night to her when you were away.

I want you to be happy. Your joy is what makes me happy. I used to enjoy sitting with you and talking between services. It would make my entire week. I would float on a cloud until Saturday, and come Sunday I felt like nothing was more important than seeing you. I know that I should have been looking forward to the fellowship with God and His people. And I did. But I always had another reason to go to church. It was you. When you weren't there I wasn't as happy as normal. Now I feel like I am rambling again. But what I need to say is that we did have a connection. I know that you felt it. You even said it. I scared me when you realized it and voiced it. We were feeling a lot of the same emotions at the time. We could relate to each other and theat meant the world to me. But it scared me. Here I was sitting at church falling in a deeper love with a man I already felt strongly for. I couldn't read you. My feelings took over. From the moment I saw you in Starbucks and you asked me about my nieghbor girls, I feel my better judgement was impared.

I couldn't tell if you felt anything towards me. You probably feel nothing. I had hoped that you would. From things that you said, I felt like there was something, but I was scared. I wasn't sure if that was me reading into it. So I tried to gracefully walk away. The hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

And then I met her...the new one in your life. I have to tell you that I took a second glance, as I thought how much she resembled your ex-wife. I couldn't even look her in the eye, knowing that I was in love with you. I avoided you for a long time. I always kept track of where you were, so that I could be a few steps ahead or behind. I tried to be nice and talk to her. But she was and still is one of the most emotionless people I have ever met. Maybe to you she is more. But you would think that she would try to get to know the people from your hometown. Even this Sunday at the funniest clip at church, she didn't even smirk with emotion while the rest of the congregation roared in laughter. When I see her there she doesn't even talk to your children.

All I want to know is are you really going to be happy with her or are you settling for someone because she pays you attention now. Will she be your forever? Why did you wait to tell me when she wasn't around that you were engaged? Why did you propose on New Years Eve? Of all days, that is one of the most predictable. It makes me wonder if you felt like you needed to, if you were scared to be alone, and thought you had to, or did you really want to??

I wish I had time to tell you to think this through, not because I am in love with you. Rather so that you can ask yourself if you are really, truly in love with her.

Love, I wish I had a chance to love you. The way that you deserve. Our lives will go on though from here and you may never know this. You will and have made the decision you feel is right. For your sake, Love, I hope that it is. I pray that it is. I will still be there on the sidelines, cheering you on. I will be here whenever you need me. I will leave you to your happiness. I will miss you incredibly. Even when you right there in front of me, if you remain there. Maybe you are moving away. It will break my heart. That's ok.

I love you. I do. I wish you knew. I wish I could just tell you. Not that it would make a difference. None the less, I do. I love you every day, every moment, when I am waking or sleeping.
Peace and happiness to you, Love.
Peace most of all.

Sincerely with love,
Mandy
Eve Interrupted

P.S. It is time that I tell you that this blog was created because of you...it was and is the only way I can move on without telling you everything face to face. Most of it's content is about you. I miss you already, Love.

It's 130 pm and I am feeling like I miss him already...
Like he is Gone! Even though he is still around, I feel like I have lost him...
And what is pitiful, what is sad... he doesn't eve know.
He has no idea of how his news has affected me.
He has no care, because he doesn't even know how I have always felt.
I wish I someone to tell me that I am doing the right thing.
I know that I am, but it would be nice for someone to affirm this.
Feeling very lost and confused...wondering how I let myself get to this point.

At this point, I am not even sure what to say. I blink and it's as if the whole story I knew was going to happen is happening. It is so predictable. I knew that it would be just as it is. A proposal of the most ordinary kind. I am at a loss for words. My heart sank. I still have no idea why. I am still attached, but it still felt as though it were a blow. It would be nice to know why I feel this way. I feel animosity, jealousy, and conviction. A Tuesday...really....who does this on a Tuesday!!?? When I have more time, I will express more of how this situation effects my well-being.

Just when I think that I can give it all up and make it right....
I am persuaded otherwise
Some obstacle jumps out right in front of me...
I miss him
with a passion
I still see him all the time
But it's so far gone
and there seems to be no hope
I miss him
I know, I already said that
But I do....
I love him
Love him
love him
this can't be right
my fingers type the feelings of my heart
my head feels the anguish of my soul
I need him
why can't he see me
I wish that I existed
just for once
I want to feel him
his breath upon my neck
his lips upon my shoulders
his hands around my waist
his body against mine
God, I want to tell him
but he is gone
he is so far lost in someone else
I am nothing
at least not to him
and right now that is all that matters
I love him
I need him
I want him
God, I wish he knew
I wish we had a moment alone
OR that he could read this
more like, that he would
Doubt that he will
it probably means nothing
and he would sit and ask if it was him
or who it was that I was talking about
I miss him
oh my god, I miss him
I miss him
Can you see it
Or are you blind
Life is to short
Love is never to late
If there was a chance, I'd tell you
Every single day
Right now...right here
I miss you....

The Dawn of a new year Resolute

At the risk of sounding like the continual broken record at the beginning of every year, it is important to celebrate the new arrival or a year, and this time a decade as well. Most people ask you what your resolutions are. While that sounds so cliche, it is never the less something to think about. Some people resolve to lose wieght, eat healthy, exercise more, or simply not to resolve at all.
That is why I am writing this to you and all of my friends and readers. I am challenging you to resolve whatever you like, but this year, resolve to make a difference in someone's life, even if it be just one person. They don't even have to know about it. You can send them a card, or invite them to dinner. Sit a while, take the time to invest in thier lives and listen. Get to know them. Forget about your wieght, your excercise routine, your diet, and take a burden off of someone else's shoulders. Let your lights shine. You will be blessed in the end for doing so.
I resolve all the normal New Year's resolutions...but more importantly, I resolve to not only make a difference in my life, but someone else's. I pray that 2010 is the beginning of a new season in all of your lives. 2009 had its' moments. Now it's time to dust ourselves off and look around for those who need us most to bare their burdens and take a walk with them for a while.
Take a seat, and write down 3 things you will (not 'can') do in 2010 to help someone other than yourself. If you wish to share, I would love to hear your ideas!