We paint a picture of happiness and say everything is good. And while it might be that day or that hour or maybe, just that minute, the moments before may have been far from okay. Or even the moments after may be horrid. It is our choice, really. But in the same respect, there are forces that be around us that make a difference in how we view things and we are tempted consistantly with the idea of giving up. Or at least I am. I am tempted with that notion. But I have not given into it yet. I give into all the others, but not this one. I am trying so desperately to do what is right and for now it is working. Working... just working...it isn't the best, but it's working. I guess if it's working then I should just keep going with it then. That doesn't mean I am thrilled about it, but I am in it for the long haul, I think.
Oh well, better to be stuck in something that is working, than to be stuck in a hopeless case.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Journey, Day Three:
I haven't blogged since before I started this journey. And if you have read this, you are probably wondering where my journey is to. But I ask you, does a journey have to be somewhere? Why not Someone?
I am on a journey to someone. I will find her. She does exist. And she is beautiful. She is amazing. Her heart is so full of love that she could burst.
Today was difficult. I found myself indulging in the idea of returning. Why I would want to forfeit leaving the path to someone great, I am not for certain. But it takes discipline on my part. I am to follow certain rules. Certain guidelines. Any of which, not followed, can lead to my demise. I am suffering from headaches, dizzyness, and sleeplessness. I must buy a gimungous bottle of ibuprofen today(note to self).
Also,I feel like I am missing out on sharing a special love that I need in my life. There are only certain people who have this love. Only certain people get it. Only certain people can handle it. Others try it, and it is not for them. They either do not like it, or plainly don't know how to share it. Some have it, and never know until they find a kindred spirit to share it with. Those who don't understand it, don't want to take their time. It takes time. It takes a deepness. It is both refreshing and peaceful. It is exhilarating and exciting. It's erotic and unique. And I wish I had a kindred soul to share it with.
Regardless, my journey is not about that. It is what I think about a lot. I am not trying to find that kindred spirit. But it may be someone I find along the way, without purposefully seeking it. A few things I want to think about today are that: Age is irrelevent and Sleep is overrated.
Both are neccessary, but I could do without much of both.
When I was 21 I was very much involved with a 47 year old. Age was very relevent then, but it didn't seem to be at the time. If I thought about that now...I am 30 and he is a drunken, pool-playing/gambling 56 year old. He has not grown up. He wasn't grown up then. And neither was I, but then again, I was only 21. When I say Age is irrelevent, I mean that it is not important to focus on how old we presonally become. (I am not talking about relationships. Relationships and age are relevent on a different level.) We have all heard the phrases, "you are only as old as you feel" and "young at heart". I usually feel "young at heart", but I am feeling quite old lately. I am not sleeping and not as energetic as I once used to be. I am remembering most of my dreams. And while most of them are mild, some of them are terrifying. There are moments when I feel like there are great walls closing in on me and suffocating me. I can barely breathe without feeling tired or sad. I don't think that it's exactly depression. But I don't know what it is to be called.
It is a deepness. A darkness. Something I can almost feel in the back of my throat. Something that keeps me awake, tossing and turning. Something that makes this journey much more difficult to accomplish. But in the end, I feel like it will be gone. It is like a burden. But I don't know what the burden is. I aim to find that out on this journey and relieve it. I am pressing forward, even if it feels like I am dragging the half of me.
I haven't blogged since before I started this journey. And if you have read this, you are probably wondering where my journey is to. But I ask you, does a journey have to be somewhere? Why not Someone?
I am on a journey to someone. I will find her. She does exist. And she is beautiful. She is amazing. Her heart is so full of love that she could burst.
Today was difficult. I found myself indulging in the idea of returning. Why I would want to forfeit leaving the path to someone great, I am not for certain. But it takes discipline on my part. I am to follow certain rules. Certain guidelines. Any of which, not followed, can lead to my demise. I am suffering from headaches, dizzyness, and sleeplessness. I must buy a gimungous bottle of ibuprofen today(note to self).
Also,I feel like I am missing out on sharing a special love that I need in my life. There are only certain people who have this love. Only certain people get it. Only certain people can handle it. Others try it, and it is not for them. They either do not like it, or plainly don't know how to share it. Some have it, and never know until they find a kindred spirit to share it with. Those who don't understand it, don't want to take their time. It takes time. It takes a deepness. It is both refreshing and peaceful. It is exhilarating and exciting. It's erotic and unique. And I wish I had a kindred soul to share it with.
Regardless, my journey is not about that. It is what I think about a lot. I am not trying to find that kindred spirit. But it may be someone I find along the way, without purposefully seeking it. A few things I want to think about today are that: Age is irrelevent and Sleep is overrated.
Both are neccessary, but I could do without much of both.
When I was 21 I was very much involved with a 47 year old. Age was very relevent then, but it didn't seem to be at the time. If I thought about that now...I am 30 and he is a drunken, pool-playing/gambling 56 year old. He has not grown up. He wasn't grown up then. And neither was I, but then again, I was only 21. When I say Age is irrelevent, I mean that it is not important to focus on how old we presonally become. (I am not talking about relationships. Relationships and age are relevent on a different level.) We have all heard the phrases, "you are only as old as you feel" and "young at heart". I usually feel "young at heart", but I am feeling quite old lately. I am not sleeping and not as energetic as I once used to be. I am remembering most of my dreams. And while most of them are mild, some of them are terrifying. There are moments when I feel like there are great walls closing in on me and suffocating me. I can barely breathe without feeling tired or sad. I don't think that it's exactly depression. But I don't know what it is to be called.
It is a deepness. A darkness. Something I can almost feel in the back of my throat. Something that keeps me awake, tossing and turning. Something that makes this journey much more difficult to accomplish. But in the end, I feel like it will be gone. It is like a burden. But I don't know what the burden is. I aim to find that out on this journey and relieve it. I am pressing forward, even if it feels like I am dragging the half of me.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
The Journey Begins!
I start a journey tomorrow. I may fail the very next day. In which case, I will need to start again. But I start the journey tomorrow. I cannot wait to go. I am searching for something. I will find something. I don't know what it will look like exactly. But I know what I am trying to find. I know what I think it looks like. It will be a hard journey. Full of blood, sweat, and tears. It will hurt like hell. I will hate it by the end of the week, and then love it the day after. It will be hard to keep going. In fact, I may try to turn around or sluff off the path at any given moment. I know this, because I have done it too many times before.
My journey starts tomorrow. I wish I had a companion along the way. But I think this is one I will have to do myself. I have tried to take friends before, and that has never worked. They were never looking for the same thing. So they always jump ship before it gets to deep. My sails will be broken and my ship will tip over a few times. But in the end...let's hope I am not cap-sized and drowned in the misery of my same old life again.
It's a quest. A journey. It's hell. It will be heaven. It will be miserable, it will be glorious. I will fall down a million times. I will pick myself up a million times.
Tomorrow....I start my journey, alone.
My journey starts tomorrow. I wish I had a companion along the way. But I think this is one I will have to do myself. I have tried to take friends before, and that has never worked. They were never looking for the same thing. So they always jump ship before it gets to deep. My sails will be broken and my ship will tip over a few times. But in the end...let's hope I am not cap-sized and drowned in the misery of my same old life again.
It's a quest. A journey. It's hell. It will be heaven. It will be miserable, it will be glorious. I will fall down a million times. I will pick myself up a million times.
Tomorrow....I start my journey, alone.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
November rain
Shhhhhhhhhhhh....
The quiet solace.
I heard each and every drop fall as I lay awake in the dark of the morning. I could hear it tapping on the windows. Tap, Tap....tap, tap. I thought of you. I wrapped myslef up tightly in my down comforter and dreamt I kissed you. I lay still and felt the cold raindrops fall upon me. I revelled in the warmth of an embrace.
Shhhhhhhhhhhh.
When I woke there was still no sun, but daylight. But it rained a November rain all day today. And I thought of you.
The quiet solace.
I heard each and every drop fall as I lay awake in the dark of the morning. I could hear it tapping on the windows. Tap, Tap....tap, tap. I thought of you. I wrapped myslef up tightly in my down comforter and dreamt I kissed you. I lay still and felt the cold raindrops fall upon me. I revelled in the warmth of an embrace.
Shhhhhhhhhhhh.
When I woke there was still no sun, but daylight. But it rained a November rain all day today. And I thought of you.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
My heart on my sleeve...
Oh how I wish that I could waste away the time
And tell him that I want him to be mine
To hold forever in my arms
To keep him safe from the harms
That life keeps throwing him out of line.
We keep dancing around the issues at heart,
But I can't tell you how I wish we weren't apart
It's not the right time,
Will it ever be right?
I wish I dared to tell you where my love could start.
If I could just reach you where you are
And you could see my heart that far
I am hidden away inside this tomb
Created in my mother's womb
And Oh, that I hate, I can't tell if you care.
Faithfully, I run home each and every night,
But instead I wish I had you to hold me tight,
I wish I could say all I need to now,
But the truth is, I don't know how;
And if I did, it would never be right.
I see you standing alone, and I'm fine.
When your standing with her, I wish you were mine.
I wish I could steal you away with me,
Have some fine wine in maybe, Italy,
Oh that our hearts for each other would pine.
I'd fall asleep in your arms in a heart beat,
I'd die for your life to keep.
And when the day is done and there is no more
I'd love you still, walking out that door,
Knowing you'd return at the end of the week.
Problem is, you don't even know it is you,
You don't know that I long for us two,
I want the longest, sweetest kiss,
Standing alone in prevocative bliss,
While I'm remembering all my dreams that ensue.
You need to know that in that first moment I saw you,
I saw your heart, and I wanted it, I connected with you...
And on this November day,
I just needed you to hear me say,
That I want you more than ever before, I need you.
I hope you finally read this tonight,
For whatever reason you haven't just yet,
I hope that you know that it's you,
The one sitting alone, yes, you...
And the biggest smile of confusion on you I'll bet.
You are asking yourself, if it is you I mean,
And yes it is, I am telling you now so it seems,
My heart is open, and my life is too,
All I want is to give it to you,
I am tired of remembering you only in a dream.
I am wearing my heart, on my sleeve....
And tell him that I want him to be mine
To hold forever in my arms
To keep him safe from the harms
That life keeps throwing him out of line.
We keep dancing around the issues at heart,
But I can't tell you how I wish we weren't apart
It's not the right time,
Will it ever be right?
I wish I dared to tell you where my love could start.
If I could just reach you where you are
And you could see my heart that far
I am hidden away inside this tomb
Created in my mother's womb
And Oh, that I hate, I can't tell if you care.
Faithfully, I run home each and every night,
But instead I wish I had you to hold me tight,
I wish I could say all I need to now,
But the truth is, I don't know how;
And if I did, it would never be right.
I see you standing alone, and I'm fine.
When your standing with her, I wish you were mine.
I wish I could steal you away with me,
Have some fine wine in maybe, Italy,
Oh that our hearts for each other would pine.
I'd fall asleep in your arms in a heart beat,
I'd die for your life to keep.
And when the day is done and there is no more
I'd love you still, walking out that door,
Knowing you'd return at the end of the week.
Problem is, you don't even know it is you,
You don't know that I long for us two,
I want the longest, sweetest kiss,
Standing alone in prevocative bliss,
While I'm remembering all my dreams that ensue.
You need to know that in that first moment I saw you,
I saw your heart, and I wanted it, I connected with you...
And on this November day,
I just needed you to hear me say,
That I want you more than ever before, I need you.
I hope you finally read this tonight,
For whatever reason you haven't just yet,
I hope that you know that it's you,
The one sitting alone, yes, you...
And the biggest smile of confusion on you I'll bet.
You are asking yourself, if it is you I mean,
And yes it is, I am telling you now so it seems,
My heart is open, and my life is too,
All I want is to give it to you,
I am tired of remembering you only in a dream.
I am wearing my heart, on my sleeve....
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Today
Today is election day. But for me that is not my greatest concern.
Today, I wish to live simply.
Today I feel like screaming. I feel like crying. I feel like using all the martial arts I know on someone, no, not something...someone. But someone who can dish it back and suck it up when struck. The anxiety I feel today is unbelievably great. And while I feel all of this at once, I say nothing. I just type. I write in this blog. It is the only thing I can afford to do at the moment. It is the only thing that I have time to escape to. I am watching my house become cluttered with everything! I want to live in a box. I want a one room apartment with a nice plush bed, a couch, a small t.v., a decent stereo system for blaring my music, and plenty of floor space, so I can dance and fight until my hearts content. I want distance. I want solitude. I want simplicity. And I want it all black and white. I want one glass wall. I want one lamp, one chair, one table, one dining set. I want one bottle of soap and shampoo in the shower. I want one bath towel. One pan, one skillet, and one baking dish. ONE. I want space. I want to be able to have white carpets. I want crisp white sheets. A white down comforter and black pillows. I want a PO Box and no mail at my house. No papers to clutter up my space. I do everything electronically anyway. So, of course I want that laptop(the one I dream of having some day!).
Life is way to complicated. And I just want to live deliberately and freely, simply and peacefully. It may sound lonely, but that is what I want right now, this very moment.
I want to find myself again. Although I sound selfish, I am just tired and done with being passive.
"To be simple is to be stupid, but to live simply is to understand."
Today, I wish to live simply.
Today I feel like screaming. I feel like crying. I feel like using all the martial arts I know on someone, no, not something...someone. But someone who can dish it back and suck it up when struck. The anxiety I feel today is unbelievably great. And while I feel all of this at once, I say nothing. I just type. I write in this blog. It is the only thing I can afford to do at the moment. It is the only thing that I have time to escape to. I am watching my house become cluttered with everything! I want to live in a box. I want a one room apartment with a nice plush bed, a couch, a small t.v., a decent stereo system for blaring my music, and plenty of floor space, so I can dance and fight until my hearts content. I want distance. I want solitude. I want simplicity. And I want it all black and white. I want one glass wall. I want one lamp, one chair, one table, one dining set. I want one bottle of soap and shampoo in the shower. I want one bath towel. One pan, one skillet, and one baking dish. ONE. I want space. I want to be able to have white carpets. I want crisp white sheets. A white down comforter and black pillows. I want a PO Box and no mail at my house. No papers to clutter up my space. I do everything electronically anyway. So, of course I want that laptop(the one I dream of having some day!).
Life is way to complicated. And I just want to live deliberately and freely, simply and peacefully. It may sound lonely, but that is what I want right now, this very moment.
I want to find myself again. Although I sound selfish, I am just tired and done with being passive.
"To be simple is to be stupid, but to live simply is to understand."
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
"Livisms"
My daughter Olivia said the funniest thing the other day. While we were hanging out in the tent trying to camp out the other night, my son pointed out that we were going to be completely frozen "like ice cream". So my daughter, without a second to spare replied to his comment with, "Well, then I would lick you!"
I about died in laughter. It was the funniest thing she has said in while. She has these funny ways of seeing things, and saying things and it cracks me up. She will not call my mother Grandma Becky, even though now she can say that clear as day. But she used to call her Grandma "Ducky", because she thought that is what we said. So that is still what she calls her. And the show "Little Einstiens" is still "little Shine-shines". Just because.
So today, I asked her: "Liv, if I was an ice cream cone, what would you do?" She replied, "I'd lick you!"
I love it!!! She is gonna be a hoot!!! I can't wait to hear what she comes up with next.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Wisdom from a Panda
See More Kung Fu Panda Publicity Still at IGN.com"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that is why it is called the present." Kung Fu Panda
I love history, love mysteries, and love presents, both giving and receiving...maybe more so in the giving. I read something that challenged me today. I had to ask myself if I am happy with where I am at. I think that in some ways I am. In others, not so much. In that moment, I also realized the things that I am happy with are the things that I can change with positive results. The things that I am not happy with are things that I cannot change without consequence. Apart from the physical being of myself, I am happy with who I am. I am at turmoil with the life that surrounds me. Who I want to be someday, and who I am now are two very different people. But I cannot have one without the other. I must walk through these moments in my life to accomplish the moments ahead. I must overcome the things that pain me, to find real joy in the end. I want to be more of what I am, and more than I am. I need yesterday to get me to tomorrow. I must have today, to make it better than yesterday.
Today is one day closer to tomorrow.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
"You can't make me say something I don't want to say"
This was the response I received today when I told my husband that I loved him.
I said "Hey, I love you.", while grabbing a hold of his arm and looking into his eyes with a smile on my face. After receiving no immediate response, I released him, and said "I do." (Thinking maybe he wasn't convinced.) He was looking at me with this stubborn gaze. As he started walking away from me, he then said "Yeah, I like you." When I replied with a "Thanks,that means a lot!", I was given the "You can't make me say something I don't want to say."
Who says that to someone??? I felt horrible. I just walked outside to go finish grilling the burgers for lunch and wiped the tears from my eyes before he saw and called me a baby for feeling wounded. (Which yes, has happened before. I quit crying in front of him a long time ago.)
I wish that marriage wasn't this complicated task! It is so damn hard! I was reminded today that all I ever do is compromise to make it work. I already knew that, but I actually said it out loud to a friend. The moment I did, I felt so defeated, so used, and so embarrased. I have another friend that says admittance is the first sign of recovery...not sure I want to recover from this one.
Stupid marriage contracts. Stupid love. But isn't it like they say... "Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all"? I feel trapped most of the time and while I try to shy away from the feeling of being confined to one love, it is the one thing that keeps me awake at night. It is the constant nagging feeling I get when I sit on the fence and admire the grass on the other side...
No one should ever say what the don't want to, but why pretend otherwise as well??
I said "Hey, I love you.", while grabbing a hold of his arm and looking into his eyes with a smile on my face. After receiving no immediate response, I released him, and said "I do." (Thinking maybe he wasn't convinced.) He was looking at me with this stubborn gaze. As he started walking away from me, he then said "Yeah, I like you." When I replied with a "Thanks,that means a lot!", I was given the "You can't make me say something I don't want to say."
Who says that to someone??? I felt horrible. I just walked outside to go finish grilling the burgers for lunch and wiped the tears from my eyes before he saw and called me a baby for feeling wounded. (Which yes, has happened before. I quit crying in front of him a long time ago.)
I wish that marriage wasn't this complicated task! It is so damn hard! I was reminded today that all I ever do is compromise to make it work. I already knew that, but I actually said it out loud to a friend. The moment I did, I felt so defeated, so used, and so embarrased. I have another friend that says admittance is the first sign of recovery...not sure I want to recover from this one.
Stupid marriage contracts. Stupid love. But isn't it like they say... "Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all"? I feel trapped most of the time and while I try to shy away from the feeling of being confined to one love, it is the one thing that keeps me awake at night. It is the constant nagging feeling I get when I sit on the fence and admire the grass on the other side...
No one should ever say what the don't want to, but why pretend otherwise as well??
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Tears....
I wish that I could just cry today... I have been on the verge....I wiped them all away at chuch today...but there is still that gut-wrenching expolsion that has not happened that normally does when a person really cries. I feel like crying, but I can't. I just won't do it...
I wish, that I could just cry today....
I wish, that I could just cry today....
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
It never ends!
Just when you think you have it all together, you get a shot of reality....
As I walk through the house that still smells, no wreaks of fried Bacon that I made last night. It is the first thing I smell when I walk in the house. And the mess that still sits there because I had no time to clean it today. The laundry that I had to sort into small mounds by clolour that used to be one big colorful mountain all over my kitchen, hallway floor because I dare not throw them down the basement stairs or I will forget that I have laundry to do. I have a sink full of dishes and kitchen floor to mop and sweep.
But I have been cleaning all day....if you walked into my house and saw only my kitchen you would not believe me. I am now to tired at this time of night to clean it. I am heading to bed soon. And I will clean the kitchen tomorrow. While I clean the kitchen, my upstairs will, (I know this for a fact), yes, will be hit by a tornado. It is a never ending cycle of crazy motherly cleaning, and I am exhausted! Why can't I be wealthy enough for a maid!!!???
LOL
As I walk through the house that still smells, no wreaks of fried Bacon that I made last night. It is the first thing I smell when I walk in the house. And the mess that still sits there because I had no time to clean it today. The laundry that I had to sort into small mounds by clolour that used to be one big colorful mountain all over my kitchen, hallway floor because I dare not throw them down the basement stairs or I will forget that I have laundry to do. I have a sink full of dishes and kitchen floor to mop and sweep.
But I have been cleaning all day....if you walked into my house and saw only my kitchen you would not believe me. I am now to tired at this time of night to clean it. I am heading to bed soon. And I will clean the kitchen tomorrow. While I clean the kitchen, my upstairs will, (I know this for a fact), yes, will be hit by a tornado. It is a never ending cycle of crazy motherly cleaning, and I am exhausted! Why can't I be wealthy enough for a maid!!!???
LOL
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Jeff Buckley- Hallelujah
I love this song...when they bury me, I want this song played as they lower me into the ground.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Porcelain Heart, by Barlow Girl
Broken heart one more time
Pick yourself up, why even cry
Broken pieces in your hands
Wonder how you'll make it whole
[Chorus:]
You know, you pray
This can't be the way
You cry, you say
Something's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine
Someone said "A broken heart
Would sting at first then make you stronger"
You wonder why this pain remains
Were hearts made whole just to break
Creator only You take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again
Pick yourself up, why even cry
Broken pieces in your hands
Wonder how you'll make it whole
[Chorus:]
You know, you pray
This can't be the way
You cry, you say
Something's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine
Someone said "A broken heart
Would sting at first then make you stronger"
You wonder why this pain remains
Were hearts made whole just to break
Creator only You take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again
What shall I paint for you today?
I painted a picture today.
It had you in mind.
It's sky was brilliant.
It was grounded in solid rocks.
The waves spoke in eloquent form.
It's mountains reached highest heavens.
It's valleys were full of peaceful streams.
You were there.
As if I were looking down from far above,
I could see you.
You were happy.
You had no more tears, no more pain.
Your smile was bright,
I knew that you had found something.
I tried to think of what it might be,
I wanted to paint it there with you.
I thought a while about what to stroke,
My brush in hand, my paints in the other.
So I painted an eagle in the sky for a while,
Until I could get it right.
"What might make you happy?" I thought.
I painted a tree and then a steer.
I was lost for a moment.
Why can't I think of something to make you happy?
I want it to bring you peace.
I want it to bring you joy.
You need it live each day and night, even when your away.
You must have it by your side,
You will keep it in your heart.
But I am lost, so lost this moment.
I don't know what to paint for you.
I wish I could ask you to help me.
But this, I shouldn't do.
Tell me, tell me, what do you desire?
What would make you happiest?
What shall I paint for you today?
It had you in mind.
It's sky was brilliant.
It was grounded in solid rocks.
The waves spoke in eloquent form.
It's mountains reached highest heavens.
It's valleys were full of peaceful streams.
You were there.
As if I were looking down from far above,
I could see you.
You were happy.
You had no more tears, no more pain.
Your smile was bright,
I knew that you had found something.
I tried to think of what it might be,
I wanted to paint it there with you.
I thought a while about what to stroke,
My brush in hand, my paints in the other.
So I painted an eagle in the sky for a while,
Until I could get it right.
"What might make you happy?" I thought.
I painted a tree and then a steer.
I was lost for a moment.
Why can't I think of something to make you happy?
I want it to bring you peace.
I want it to bring you joy.
You need it live each day and night, even when your away.
You must have it by your side,
You will keep it in your heart.
But I am lost, so lost this moment.
I don't know what to paint for you.
I wish I could ask you to help me.
But this, I shouldn't do.
Tell me, tell me, what do you desire?
What would make you happiest?
What shall I paint for you today?
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Politics, Olympics, and my Robin Williams
If you ask me who I a voting for, I couldn't tell you. I have no idea at this point. I watch and listen. I try to see both sides. But honestly, as many may agree, I am not thoroughly impressed with either party this election.
While I commend McCain and his POW days, and Palin in her powerful "lipstick" speeches, I don't know if them running the country is the greatest idea. Don't get me wrong, they are great. But McCain is aged, and if something were to happen to him, Palin would take his place in the presidency. I wonder how great of a moment that will be. I am all for women and thier rights. But when it comes to a leader of a country, I would prefer a man. A man is more rational, not as emotional.
Then we have Obama. I am not sold on him one bit, even with his very happy looking family. I feel like he is a product to be sold and not the leader that we need. His perfect smile, his peaceful demeanor, his rational thoughts...they seem so sureal.
I have heard the rumors of his connections with his muslim backround and I remember them warning us they would attack us from the inside one day soon. He may not be the one, but what if he was?? I shudder at the thought.
I enjoy the fact that Sarah Palin is portraying a real family...screwed up and all. But that doesn't divert from the fact that she looks like she just came from a pageant.
Anyway,
I have a clip here that I really enjoyed the other night. Robin Williams starts out talking about George W. and ends up talking about Obama in the end...with a bunch of crazy nutty stuff in the middle...that's my Robin!
I guess I have two more months yet to decide...
While I commend McCain and his POW days, and Palin in her powerful "lipstick" speeches, I don't know if them running the country is the greatest idea. Don't get me wrong, they are great. But McCain is aged, and if something were to happen to him, Palin would take his place in the presidency. I wonder how great of a moment that will be. I am all for women and thier rights. But when it comes to a leader of a country, I would prefer a man. A man is more rational, not as emotional.
Then we have Obama. I am not sold on him one bit, even with his very happy looking family. I feel like he is a product to be sold and not the leader that we need. His perfect smile, his peaceful demeanor, his rational thoughts...they seem so sureal.
I have heard the rumors of his connections with his muslim backround and I remember them warning us they would attack us from the inside one day soon. He may not be the one, but what if he was?? I shudder at the thought.
I enjoy the fact that Sarah Palin is portraying a real family...screwed up and all. But that doesn't divert from the fact that she looks like she just came from a pageant.
Anyway,
I have a clip here that I really enjoyed the other night. Robin Williams starts out talking about George W. and ends up talking about Obama in the end...with a bunch of crazy nutty stuff in the middle...that's my Robin!
I guess I have two more months yet to decide...
Monday, September 22, 2008
A couple thoughts
When things seem to turn out right, something always goes wrong.
I am an optimist by nature, but lately, not so much.
I find the Garden of Eden to be a myserious place, where peace begins and love remains. It is the forbidden room in a mansion's west wing. It holds the keys to life evermore. It was the beginning of the end.
There was nothing to worry about there...or was there?
How did this serpant, so undetected find his way inside the garden, inside Eve's heart, and capture her soul?
Who are the serpants in our life? The ones that lead us in a different direction. The ones that talk us out of going the right direction.
What is the right direction? Does anyone really know? Every road leads to somewhere...but how do we know were it leads until we get there?
On another note:
I am frustrated tonight at the road I am on. I am tired. I am so angry with people. Everywhere I turn, people in my life let me down. They are so unloyal. They never say what they mean. They speak out of two sides of their mouth, and when caught, they act like it's my fault.
I am so tired of being the peacemaker, I am tired of turning the other cheek. When is it time to call it quits and throw in the towel? Is it ever time?
I trust everyone. I trust them until I can't. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and treat everyone with dignity and respect. In return, I get rejected and turned away. I get forgotten.
This isn't a "woe is me pity party time". It's a time where I just feel like screaming! My heart hurts so bad it doesn't know what to do anymore...
I am an optimist by nature, but lately, not so much.
I find the Garden of Eden to be a myserious place, where peace begins and love remains. It is the forbidden room in a mansion's west wing. It holds the keys to life evermore. It was the beginning of the end.
There was nothing to worry about there...or was there?
How did this serpant, so undetected find his way inside the garden, inside Eve's heart, and capture her soul?
Who are the serpants in our life? The ones that lead us in a different direction. The ones that talk us out of going the right direction.
What is the right direction? Does anyone really know? Every road leads to somewhere...but how do we know were it leads until we get there?
On another note:
I am frustrated tonight at the road I am on. I am tired. I am so angry with people. Everywhere I turn, people in my life let me down. They are so unloyal. They never say what they mean. They speak out of two sides of their mouth, and when caught, they act like it's my fault.
I am so tired of being the peacemaker, I am tired of turning the other cheek. When is it time to call it quits and throw in the towel? Is it ever time?
I trust everyone. I trust them until I can't. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and treat everyone with dignity and respect. In return, I get rejected and turned away. I get forgotten.
This isn't a "woe is me pity party time". It's a time where I just feel like screaming! My heart hurts so bad it doesn't know what to do anymore...
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Tonight
Tonight I cannot breathe....
I cannot sleep...
I am filled with angst.
My eyes have beheld his beauty,
My ears have heard his voice.
But he is as the fruit on a tree so forbidden...
I am not at peace tonight.
I will toss and turn all night.
I dream with my eyes wide open now.
Eve is losing her grip...
She cannot take it anymore..
She is ready to fall...
Will someone catch her before?
I cannot sleep...
I am filled with angst.
My eyes have beheld his beauty,
My ears have heard his voice.
But he is as the fruit on a tree so forbidden...
I am not at peace tonight.
I will toss and turn all night.
I dream with my eyes wide open now.
Eve is losing her grip...
She cannot take it anymore..
She is ready to fall...
Will someone catch her before?
Monday, September 15, 2008
If I had no scars
If I had no scars from healing,
I would have never known the pain...
That has built me what I am today.
My life is not in vain.
I trip and fall, I scrape my knees...
My hands are ripped and bleeding.
Words of advice run through my head,
I haven't taken to heading.
My heart's been crushed and broken,
My viens exude and poor out the venom.
I scream, I cry, I kick, I fall...
In life's great big phenom.
I suffer for a cause today,
To live my life within a means...
One that was given, by a sacrafice..
I am scarred for life it seems.
I would have never known the pain...
That has built me what I am today.
My life is not in vain.
I trip and fall, I scrape my knees...
My hands are ripped and bleeding.
Words of advice run through my head,
I haven't taken to heading.
My heart's been crushed and broken,
My viens exude and poor out the venom.
I scream, I cry, I kick, I fall...
In life's great big phenom.
I suffer for a cause today,
To live my life within a means...
One that was given, by a sacrafice..
I am scarred for life it seems.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
It has occured to me...
Recently, it has occurred to me that I have had a most interesting year. Last year at this time, I was getting ready for a funeral. My husband's uncle had passed. I took a day of bereavement. I wish now that I had not done that. My boss was even at the funeral even though she was receiving text messages and phone calls during the service. Mind you this is a woman who was in a high position in the court house. She is older than my mother by almost 15 years, and should be ready to retire soon. Anyway, when I came back to my job on Monday, the one I planned to retire from, she let me go. It was completely devistating and I was so suprised. I asked her what for. Basically, I was "too nice". She accussed me of laughing one day(3 mos. prior to this day), and said that she just had to stick to her decision. She was too proud to admit she was wrong in the end, because after I talked to her about some things, she said that in my postion "would have done the same thing I did". That day, I began a seven month discovery of what it's like to be a stay-at-home mom. I did not want to continue with that, as much as I love my kids. I just couldn't stay home. After seven months of looking for just the right thing, I landed my current job at a dentists office. I keep running into my old boss everywhere. She is after all a long time family friend of my husbands side. This summer, I was challenged when I spoke to her the first time after she fired me. She asked me if I had obtained the job at the dentists. And in true form, when I confirmed that I had, she took the credit for giving me a great review, which she thought must have instrumental to my hiring. (Obviously, thinking I am incompetent on my own). I just politely said "Thank You", while all the while cringing inside, as I cannot stand people that speak out of both sides of their mouth on purpose. But I didn't, as it was obvious that a higher power was taking matters into his own hands, as she sat in her wheelchair that day. She had slipped and fallen, and broke her leg pretty bad, shortly after my departure. It took months to heal.
But in all of that here are the things I discovered:
I am not an organized neat-freak mom, who enjoys watching TV all day, eating bon-bons and doing laundry. I have to be out somewhere in the community, pulling people together.
I am stronger than I was a year ago, both personally and spiritually.
I am resilient, and able to stand alone if need be.
Sometimes, waiting for a long time, has the greatest reward. Thus the phrase:"Good things come to those who wait."
Literally, "What goes around, comes around!"
And, you know, I am "too nice", but damn proud of it!!
Last but not least...I can't wait, for some 'nice', real people to move into the White House and make this country finally feel like home.
Maybe none of those make any sense all together, they are random thoughts.
But all because of one life changing experience, I am who I am today.
But in all of that here are the things I discovered:
I am not an organized neat-freak mom, who enjoys watching TV all day, eating bon-bons and doing laundry. I have to be out somewhere in the community, pulling people together.
I am stronger than I was a year ago, both personally and spiritually.
I am resilient, and able to stand alone if need be.
Sometimes, waiting for a long time, has the greatest reward. Thus the phrase:"Good things come to those who wait."
Literally, "What goes around, comes around!"
And, you know, I am "too nice", but damn proud of it!!
Last but not least...I can't wait, for some 'nice', real people to move into the White House and make this country finally feel like home.
Maybe none of those make any sense all together, they are random thoughts.
But all because of one life changing experience, I am who I am today.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Hero Needed
Written Summer 2008
She was heart, she was soul,
Her mind was full of thought-
Never had she been so alone-
Never had she felt so invisible-
She was bright red...
How could she not be seen?
How could she be forgotten-
Why was she so far away?
No one even noticed, she keeps it together,
She holds it all in.
She was bleeding peace, Inside screaming "war"!
She didn't want war, it was just there inside her.
It was a war in her soul-
Should she be herself, she may die.
No, she would surely die.
Her nerves were shot, even her eyes twitched.
She wants to tell him.......
He is right there-right outside-
And she can say nothing.
She is forbidden by right of law,
By papers signed, a vow
Not that she wishes to change that
Because it is in it's sense a wonderful thing,
Yet it contrains her to be someone she has forced for years.
It has become comfortable-it has been secure.
She wouldn't want to lose it for the world
It has been the one sure thing in her life.
How could she change it now.
But why, why is she so torn?
Is it her turn to cry?
Is her river to just run it's course, then dry up and die?
Is it to run dry with only one love?
Why not two or three- or why at all?
She cannot believe that this is it.
She sees something different.
Almost like she knows-
Almost like she can feel the uncertainty to come;
The unpresent nature that she dreads.
But like it's also there haunting her life, maybe her death.
No life can change that much that she coul not see it coming,
Breaking free.....
That would be bliss.
Still quiet her soul as it would appear outwardly
But inside, it is screaming for more...more!
There is such a hole that would not be filled-
And then to encounter death-
Surely then all would break-
No hero could put those pieces together, they would grow weary
He could try his best, but would nver have the whole her-
He eventually would be lost too.
He would have already given al he could,
And no peace would come of this-no joy.
He would not be happy.
So she is doomed, destined to tell him so,
So hat he may spare himself the weary trouble-
Why then must she let him suffer..
She nor he will ever be happy.
She must let her hero go.
His bright and shiny smile!
His eyes so light, yet weary-
She must let him go, before it even becomes of her...
She will love the hero she has now, she will love the one who loves her now
She will be happily forged not forced into his comfort
His arms wide open-his quiet strength known
His patience
His breadth, depth, heigth of love are marking.
So true -but maybe lost-
He must be the only one for her, now and forevermore.
He says he loves her even in her weakness, Even in the tomb that she is trapped in.
Nothing else compares to a quiet, simple, steadfast love like his, in sicknes
or in health.
So, he bing true to his word-
And she has been so blind to that until now.
She is such a fool
While she isn't herself He remains to keep his word-
He is open, honest, and true
And it takes the breath away...
Of the one who loves her most-
Although this gives her some peace-
She still feels that there are unresolved dilemmas
Soon must be addressed-
she is still that tool...
The object, not the love of his affection-
all she wants to know is how to become that,
That which he loves more than anything,
That which he can trust,
which he can embrace and intimately love...
He kisses not her lips.
He withdrawls, what is he so afraid of
that he can't just be one with her?
Is it that he was one with another and there is no going back?
No moving on...no other "one"?
Why, and how can that be??
That is just not fair!
What did I ever do to deserve such lack of love?
It shouldn't be this way.
Why should I settle for less, when I deserve so much more.
I used to deserve it, maybe not so much now?
I have let so many things go, so many!!
But I used to deserve it, I used to believe that too.
Love became corrupted...
But when?
It is no longer and maybe never was pure and complete.
I must stop dreaming a better dream and be happy with the one I have-
I have a great dream, but it could be changed just a little
New love would change everything and everyone...
but our same life would still exist, our same home, same family, same jobs...
But better, so much better...
I want and believe we can have so much better...
So, How does this happen?
Where does that start? With one simple choice.
But shouldn't every one make that same choice?
One cannot stand alone, but two can stand as one!
when does that begin? Can't that begin now, right here?
I am selfish...
For wanting anything more than I already have...
She was heart, she was soul,
Her mind was full of thought-
Never had she been so alone-
Never had she felt so invisible-
She was bright red...
How could she not be seen?
How could she be forgotten-
Why was she so far away?
No one even noticed, she keeps it together,
She holds it all in.
She was bleeding peace, Inside screaming "war"!
She didn't want war, it was just there inside her.
It was a war in her soul-
Should she be herself, she may die.
No, she would surely die.
Her nerves were shot, even her eyes twitched.
She wants to tell him.......
He is right there-right outside-
And she can say nothing.
She is forbidden by right of law,
By papers signed, a vow
Not that she wishes to change that
Because it is in it's sense a wonderful thing,
Yet it contrains her to be someone she has forced for years.
It has become comfortable-it has been secure.
She wouldn't want to lose it for the world
It has been the one sure thing in her life.
How could she change it now.
But why, why is she so torn?
Is it her turn to cry?
Is her river to just run it's course, then dry up and die?
Is it to run dry with only one love?
Why not two or three- or why at all?
She cannot believe that this is it.
She sees something different.
Almost like she knows-
Almost like she can feel the uncertainty to come;
The unpresent nature that she dreads.
But like it's also there haunting her life, maybe her death.
No life can change that much that she coul not see it coming,
Breaking free.....
That would be bliss.
Still quiet her soul as it would appear outwardly
But inside, it is screaming for more...more!
There is such a hole that would not be filled-
And then to encounter death-
Surely then all would break-
No hero could put those pieces together, they would grow weary
He could try his best, but would nver have the whole her-
He eventually would be lost too.
He would have already given al he could,
And no peace would come of this-no joy.
He would not be happy.
So she is doomed, destined to tell him so,
So hat he may spare himself the weary trouble-
Why then must she let him suffer..
She nor he will ever be happy.
She must let her hero go.
His bright and shiny smile!
His eyes so light, yet weary-
She must let him go, before it even becomes of her...
She will love the hero she has now, she will love the one who loves her now
She will be happily forged not forced into his comfort
His arms wide open-his quiet strength known
His patience
His breadth, depth, heigth of love are marking.
So true -but maybe lost-
He must be the only one for her, now and forevermore.
He says he loves her even in her weakness, Even in the tomb that she is trapped in.
Nothing else compares to a quiet, simple, steadfast love like his, in sicknes
or in health.
So, he bing true to his word-
And she has been so blind to that until now.
She is such a fool
While she isn't herself He remains to keep his word-
He is open, honest, and true
And it takes the breath away...
Of the one who loves her most-
Although this gives her some peace-
She still feels that there are unresolved dilemmas
Soon must be addressed-
she is still that tool...
The object, not the love of his affection-
all she wants to know is how to become that,
That which he loves more than anything,
That which he can trust,
which he can embrace and intimately love...
He kisses not her lips.
He withdrawls, what is he so afraid of
that he can't just be one with her?
Is it that he was one with another and there is no going back?
No moving on...no other "one"?
Why, and how can that be??
That is just not fair!
What did I ever do to deserve such lack of love?
It shouldn't be this way.
Why should I settle for less, when I deserve so much more.
I used to deserve it, maybe not so much now?
I have let so many things go, so many!!
But I used to deserve it, I used to believe that too.
Love became corrupted...
But when?
It is no longer and maybe never was pure and complete.
I must stop dreaming a better dream and be happy with the one I have-
I have a great dream, but it could be changed just a little
New love would change everything and everyone...
but our same life would still exist, our same home, same family, same jobs...
But better, so much better...
I want and believe we can have so much better...
So, How does this happen?
Where does that start? With one simple choice.
But shouldn't every one make that same choice?
One cannot stand alone, but two can stand as one!
when does that begin? Can't that begin now, right here?
I am selfish...
For wanting anything more than I already have...
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Lifehouse has me pegged...
Click on the YouTube clip above. Don't forget to turn my playlist off before you start. These two songs, Broken and Storm, I added to my playlist because they are the songs that describe me best and I love them. Enjoy!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
If I should wake before I fall....
Some people have told me that the feeling of falling while you are sleeping is a severe sign of stress. That if you actually where to hit the ground you would die in your sleep. And that's why we wake up before we hit the ground.
I ask these things....HOW in the hell do they know this? Who has fallen, hit the ground, died, and then rose from the dead to tell about it??? Seriously, this is absurd.
BUT maybe the theory is true. We always wake up in the middle of falling, we never hit the ground. Do we? No. We are in enough conscious mind to wake ourselves up and keep from going splat!
So, then I ponder this...If we are falling because of stress, and stress isn't exactly coveted or wished for, then why don't we just let ourselves fall to the ground and end it all? OK, that sounds morbid, like a death wish or a suicide note waiting to happen. Exactly! That is why we wake up...no one really wants to die. Stress or no stress, life is most important here.
If I should wake before I fall, it's because I choose to live.
I ask these things....HOW in the hell do they know this? Who has fallen, hit the ground, died, and then rose from the dead to tell about it??? Seriously, this is absurd.
BUT maybe the theory is true. We always wake up in the middle of falling, we never hit the ground. Do we? No. We are in enough conscious mind to wake ourselves up and keep from going splat!
So, then I ponder this...If we are falling because of stress, and stress isn't exactly coveted or wished for, then why don't we just let ourselves fall to the ground and end it all? OK, that sounds morbid, like a death wish or a suicide note waiting to happen. Exactly! That is why we wake up...no one really wants to die. Stress or no stress, life is most important here.
If I should wake before I fall, it's because I choose to live.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Just for the Record
No matter what I write...one thing is for sure...I do believe in God, I do have faith in Him, and I do believe the Bible to be completely truth, Eve and all....
As a human, though, I struggle to abide by it's every command, and that is the turmoil of this blog...I question myself...not whether the Word of God is true or if it's just another story book...I know better! I feel that in my heart for sure. I know that the Word is God breathed through the words, pen, and paper that God gave men., certain men.
I do believe that there are 'mysteries', if you will, that we will never understand. I do think that some things are harder to make sense of than others. But I also believe that God reveals certain things at certain times....Otherwise, it would just be a story book that everyone understood and nobody talked about anymore...
No, there is something new in it every day! And the old stuff never gets old...
As a human, though, I struggle to abide by it's every command, and that is the turmoil of this blog...I question myself...not whether the Word of God is true or if it's just another story book...I know better! I feel that in my heart for sure. I know that the Word is God breathed through the words, pen, and paper that God gave men., certain men.
I do believe that there are 'mysteries', if you will, that we will never understand. I do think that some things are harder to make sense of than others. But I also believe that God reveals certain things at certain times....Otherwise, it would just be a story book that everyone understood and nobody talked about anymore...
No, there is something new in it every day! And the old stuff never gets old...
Where I'd rather be 9/08/08...
I am wishing that I was horseback riding in the woods...with a friend. Riding towards a creek just nearby, I can hear it even now. Stopping a while to sit on our rock and talk. Sitting there watching the water ripple over the rocks and listening to nature sing it's afternoon song.
Before I leave, feeling a friends lips brush mine. Closing my eyes and thinking of nothing else but that moment...
Before I leave, feeling a friends lips brush mine. Closing my eyes and thinking of nothing else but that moment...
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Something to ponder
So, as I sit in Starbucks this evening, reading and listening to my mp3, muti-tasking at my best, I was also thinking....yes, dangerously thinking.
As a woman, I am considered to be of fairer sex and expected to play such a role. I am to be the helper, the wife, the mother. These three titles carry more weight than it sounds. I will explain:
First, the mother: While easy as it can sound this title, is not just the 'mommy' that kissess and patches up boo boos and makes hot cocoa on cold winter days after she has bundled her little ones up for the fifth time, because something got to cold, or something itches, or the two potty breaks, or something got to sweaty...it's not just the meals that you make fun, the pretend picnics in the living room on rainy days, or the wild crazy dancing to kid songs when dad's not home to see how ridiculous mom can really be... Rather, it's the undying love, the unconditional love that exists only in a woman who has a child to call her own. It is the warm embrace after a really long, hard, frustrating day. It is the "I love you, no matter what!" moments and the cupcake icing kisses with extra slobber. And, incidentally, it is when they piss you off so badly, and all you want to do is scream, and pull out the last few greying hairs you have(even though you have coloured them numerous times, and have no idea how many you honestly have for sure!) Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done, but the easiest thing to love doing.
Second, the wife: This is a job. Or at least, I believe it is. In talking with friends and co-workers, I have found that woman are expected to fill this role as if we were scullery maids running around a household, catering to our beloved man's every need. And doing it all the while with a smile...can I just sing"badabadba, I'm lovin' it" for you? Seriously, who signs up for this job? Every woman who has ever signed a marriage license! Ok, so don't get me wrong, being married has it's perks, and while most woman would rather not have them from the mid 20's to the 40's, I personally love the perks. But I really hate the men that expect it from their wives as if it were a wifely duty...and if you haven't figured out what I am talking about, look the word sex up in Webster's...yeah, it's one of those definitions. My husband, treats it differently than a wifely duty, but that is another blog...trust me. It's not easy being a wife, keeping up with the poster cover wives and stepford wives. Making everything look like a piece of cake and keeping that man as happy as boy in a Wrigley Field!
Third, the helper: Ok...seriously, this is Betty Crocker and Mrs. Smith's rolled into one. I cannot tell you how hard it is to keep up with laundry, the dishes, the cooking, the cleaning, the job outside the home(or jobs in my case). Thank God for Betty and Mrs. Smith. What would I do without them?? Lose my friggin' mind for sure! We are supposed to help our men and children with homework and finances and such.
Now, I am done with what sounds like bitching...although, that is really just a list of one days work...
Tell me, now, how am I the fairer sex?
Personally, I know that I can be, not willingly, but I can be.
But while I am conquering the world with my three titles, I am LOST!
Where have I slipped away to? What about me?? OK, sounds selfish...
But very true...
I have no idea who I am anymore...because I created someone else.
Maybe that doesn't make any sense. I mean, I get the whole "you made your bed, now you have to lie in it" theory. But seriously, I never signed up for anything knowing that it meant I had to sacrifice my heart, my mind, my body, and even perhaps, my soul.
That in itself was a selfless act.
Now I am getting to the point where I will lose myself completely, if I don't take a few steps back and concentrate on what's eating me up inside.
I am choking to death on the words that I can't spill out. And I am suffocating myself to keep the peace.
I have wounds that are still bleeding deep inside, and scars that prove I may be fair, but am I strong.
I sympathize with Eve...she had the weight of the world on her shoulder in that one moment. And she left it all behind, for what? A taste of something forbidden....hmmm???
As a woman, I am considered to be of fairer sex and expected to play such a role. I am to be the helper, the wife, the mother. These three titles carry more weight than it sounds. I will explain:
First, the mother: While easy as it can sound this title, is not just the 'mommy' that kissess and patches up boo boos and makes hot cocoa on cold winter days after she has bundled her little ones up for the fifth time, because something got to cold, or something itches, or the two potty breaks, or something got to sweaty...it's not just the meals that you make fun, the pretend picnics in the living room on rainy days, or the wild crazy dancing to kid songs when dad's not home to see how ridiculous mom can really be... Rather, it's the undying love, the unconditional love that exists only in a woman who has a child to call her own. It is the warm embrace after a really long, hard, frustrating day. It is the "I love you, no matter what!" moments and the cupcake icing kisses with extra slobber. And, incidentally, it is when they piss you off so badly, and all you want to do is scream, and pull out the last few greying hairs you have(even though you have coloured them numerous times, and have no idea how many you honestly have for sure!) Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done, but the easiest thing to love doing.
Second, the wife: This is a job. Or at least, I believe it is. In talking with friends and co-workers, I have found that woman are expected to fill this role as if we were scullery maids running around a household, catering to our beloved man's every need. And doing it all the while with a smile...can I just sing"badabadba, I'm lovin' it" for you? Seriously, who signs up for this job? Every woman who has ever signed a marriage license! Ok, so don't get me wrong, being married has it's perks, and while most woman would rather not have them from the mid 20's to the 40's, I personally love the perks. But I really hate the men that expect it from their wives as if it were a wifely duty...and if you haven't figured out what I am talking about, look the word sex up in Webster's...yeah, it's one of those definitions. My husband, treats it differently than a wifely duty, but that is another blog...trust me. It's not easy being a wife, keeping up with the poster cover wives and stepford wives. Making everything look like a piece of cake and keeping that man as happy as boy in a Wrigley Field!
Third, the helper: Ok...seriously, this is Betty Crocker and Mrs. Smith's rolled into one. I cannot tell you how hard it is to keep up with laundry, the dishes, the cooking, the cleaning, the job outside the home(or jobs in my case). Thank God for Betty and Mrs. Smith. What would I do without them?? Lose my friggin' mind for sure! We are supposed to help our men and children with homework and finances and such.
Now, I am done with what sounds like bitching...although, that is really just a list of one days work...
Tell me, now, how am I the fairer sex?
Personally, I know that I can be, not willingly, but I can be.
But while I am conquering the world with my three titles, I am LOST!
Where have I slipped away to? What about me?? OK, sounds selfish...
But very true...
I have no idea who I am anymore...because I created someone else.
Maybe that doesn't make any sense. I mean, I get the whole "you made your bed, now you have to lie in it" theory. But seriously, I never signed up for anything knowing that it meant I had to sacrifice my heart, my mind, my body, and even perhaps, my soul.
That in itself was a selfless act.
Now I am getting to the point where I will lose myself completely, if I don't take a few steps back and concentrate on what's eating me up inside.
I am choking to death on the words that I can't spill out. And I am suffocating myself to keep the peace.
I have wounds that are still bleeding deep inside, and scars that prove I may be fair, but am I strong.
I sympathize with Eve...she had the weight of the world on her shoulder in that one moment. And she left it all behind, for what? A taste of something forbidden....hmmm???
Saturday, September 6, 2008
She is yet now Crying inside, written 04-22-08
She was a stature of love, She was a pillar of peace,
her heart beat with love, her faith was great,
She embodied with grace, she was a woman of heart;
A woman of soul.
But, she was lost...
She was lost inside of a tomb, a vain tomb of deceit.
It made her seem someone she wasn't,
She was perceived to be a person she was not.
Her heart was broken, Her love was torn,
She bled with tears of pain.
She hated the way people saw her,
At first glance she was pittied.
But really she was fun and endearing, intelligent, classy, loved by many.
But yet so lost in this 'casing',
This casing that consumed her.
She hated it, despised it, considered it the ugliest part of her being;
The blackest part of her heart shone thru.
She wasn't faithful to herself.
She had let herself go, let herself be lost, let herself die outside,
Let the pits of grim embody her appearence.
Why can't she change, she thinks...
Why can't the cycle be broken in her,
What preevents her from being that beautious woman that is on the inside?
The one screaming to shine thru?
Is she vain to want to look the same inside or out??
OR....Is she nieve to think that the inside is as pretty as she thinks-
Maybe, just maybe, the outside reflects the inside.
Maybe it really is as ugly as it seems.
Maybe it hates just as much or hurts more than she want to admit and believe.
Maybe she stops here and thinks it's true....
Maybe she is sad, hopeless, a wreck, a mess...who needs a hero-
She often dreams for that hero, it's her deepest desire;
For someone to pick her up and take her in his arms-
Yes she said his, but whose?
She isn't quite sure, but she wishes he would understand.
She would finally feel comfort and not disdain there;
Not feel as though she is a tool, but a true companion, a person.
She wants to be loved more than anything else.
She wants to be received, not rejected.
She wants him to take her gently, mold and and make her beautiful-
On the outside, and then, and only then would she feel as though her inside
Was great, peaceful, loved, and needed.
How perfect must she be for this to take place?
She fails as wife, as mother, and gives up as the 'lover' of her mate.
She hides from the real pain, even in front of her hero...
Why, he must not know, or he might discard her, he will not love her always.
He will find ways to hate her.
He will find ways to avoid her, to love something else more,
To crave another's grip, another's affection instead of her own.
Her scars are to deep, She will lose him too.
No hero can live and understand her pain also...
She can't let go, or understand it herself;
How can she expect the same from him?
But, Oh, to be loved....
Really, truly loved, every inch of his body, loving every inch of hers.
How could he, she wonders, when it looks like this grave?
What on earth would he see in her?
What does anyone really, truly see in her?
They are lies...all lies...
No one really knows, she doesn't even know...
Where is her Hero? Where is he? What takes him so long to figure her out?
To acknowledge and love her, even in her deepest, darkest, daily grave??
She need to be rescued from herself...she is falling,
Nothing is vain until it bleeds,
Until it breaks open, until it is fed what it is craving!
Let her fall asleep again dreaming that he is there to cushion her fall.
He is there to save her, to allow her the chance to be heard..
And when he does- Her voice is now clear.
her heart beat with love, her faith was great,
She embodied with grace, she was a woman of heart;
A woman of soul.
But, she was lost...
She was lost inside of a tomb, a vain tomb of deceit.
It made her seem someone she wasn't,
She was perceived to be a person she was not.
Her heart was broken, Her love was torn,
She bled with tears of pain.
She hated the way people saw her,
At first glance she was pittied.
But really she was fun and endearing, intelligent, classy, loved by many.
But yet so lost in this 'casing',
This casing that consumed her.
She hated it, despised it, considered it the ugliest part of her being;
The blackest part of her heart shone thru.
She wasn't faithful to herself.
She had let herself go, let herself be lost, let herself die outside,
Let the pits of grim embody her appearence.
Why can't she change, she thinks...
Why can't the cycle be broken in her,
What preevents her from being that beautious woman that is on the inside?
The one screaming to shine thru?
Is she vain to want to look the same inside or out??
OR....Is she nieve to think that the inside is as pretty as she thinks-
Maybe, just maybe, the outside reflects the inside.
Maybe it really is as ugly as it seems.
Maybe it hates just as much or hurts more than she want to admit and believe.
Maybe she stops here and thinks it's true....
Maybe she is sad, hopeless, a wreck, a mess...who needs a hero-
She often dreams for that hero, it's her deepest desire;
For someone to pick her up and take her in his arms-
Yes she said his, but whose?
She isn't quite sure, but she wishes he would understand.
She would finally feel comfort and not disdain there;
Not feel as though she is a tool, but a true companion, a person.
She wants to be loved more than anything else.
She wants to be received, not rejected.
She wants him to take her gently, mold and and make her beautiful-
On the outside, and then, and only then would she feel as though her inside
Was great, peaceful, loved, and needed.
How perfect must she be for this to take place?
She fails as wife, as mother, and gives up as the 'lover' of her mate.
She hides from the real pain, even in front of her hero...
Why, he must not know, or he might discard her, he will not love her always.
He will find ways to hate her.
He will find ways to avoid her, to love something else more,
To crave another's grip, another's affection instead of her own.
Her scars are to deep, She will lose him too.
No hero can live and understand her pain also...
She can't let go, or understand it herself;
How can she expect the same from him?
But, Oh, to be loved....
Really, truly loved, every inch of his body, loving every inch of hers.
How could he, she wonders, when it looks like this grave?
What on earth would he see in her?
What does anyone really, truly see in her?
They are lies...all lies...
No one really knows, she doesn't even know...
Where is her Hero? Where is he? What takes him so long to figure her out?
To acknowledge and love her, even in her deepest, darkest, daily grave??
She need to be rescued from herself...she is falling,
Nothing is vain until it bleeds,
Until it breaks open, until it is fed what it is craving!
Let her fall asleep again dreaming that he is there to cushion her fall.
He is there to save her, to allow her the chance to be heard..
And when he does- Her voice is now clear.
Why EveInterrupted3-1?
If you recall in Genesis 3:1, the fall of Eve begins. Her declension into temptation and the desires of heart unfolds. How did he tempt her? I often wonder. Was his voice hushed and seductive? Did he touch her? Did he wrap his his tail around her wrist and pull her hand up to the tree as he enticed her? What drew her to that tree?
We know that she was without sin. We know that she had not one evil thought in her being. She was made from Adam, who was made by God. Until this momentous turn of historical events, she was in fact, The Perfect Woman.
What then, interrupted her? A serpant? The very firey tongue of Satan himself, I am convinced. I do believe his voice was seductive. He stood upright before he was cursed, (Genesis 3:14). He walked towards her with one intention. To deceive, to entice, and to watch the very fall of mankind. He tempted her with the only thing she knew was "wrong", the forbidden tree in the middle of the garden.
She lost herself in his words, she lost her life in his hands, and when her lips touch the sweet nectar of that fruit, she brought us all to the grave. What a burden to carry for the rest of your life, knowing that you were the first one to condemn the entire universe. She not only was interrupted herself, she interrupted Adam, and the circle of life. The order of everything was changed forever. (Genesis 3:17-21)
I aslo think it is most interesting that the first thing that they both realize is thier sexuality. To me this intriguing. Why worry about a naked body at this point? It was just the two of them. Had they not used their bodies at this point to pleasure one another? Now all of a sudden, their entire mindset of their bodies changes and they see the difference between their loins and are ashamed of it. (Genesis 3:7-11)
So why am I intorducing this blog as Eve, Interuppted? Because somewhere along the line, we all get interrupted with the temptations of the heart, or the seductive pull of hushed voices and provocative sensations that run deep in our viens. Until one day we feel like we have lost our sense of being, our sense of soul. We dream better dreams, and desire for them to come true without hurting anything or changing the order of things in the process.
But here lies the problem: For every 'dream come true', orders of life as we know it, always change!
We know that she was without sin. We know that she had not one evil thought in her being. She was made from Adam, who was made by God. Until this momentous turn of historical events, she was in fact, The Perfect Woman.
What then, interrupted her? A serpant? The very firey tongue of Satan himself, I am convinced. I do believe his voice was seductive. He stood upright before he was cursed, (Genesis 3:14). He walked towards her with one intention. To deceive, to entice, and to watch the very fall of mankind. He tempted her with the only thing she knew was "wrong", the forbidden tree in the middle of the garden.
She lost herself in his words, she lost her life in his hands, and when her lips touch the sweet nectar of that fruit, she brought us all to the grave. What a burden to carry for the rest of your life, knowing that you were the first one to condemn the entire universe. She not only was interrupted herself, she interrupted Adam, and the circle of life. The order of everything was changed forever. (Genesis 3:17-21)
I aslo think it is most interesting that the first thing that they both realize is thier sexuality. To me this intriguing. Why worry about a naked body at this point? It was just the two of them. Had they not used their bodies at this point to pleasure one another? Now all of a sudden, their entire mindset of their bodies changes and they see the difference between their loins and are ashamed of it. (Genesis 3:7-11)
So why am I intorducing this blog as Eve, Interuppted? Because somewhere along the line, we all get interrupted with the temptations of the heart, or the seductive pull of hushed voices and provocative sensations that run deep in our viens. Until one day we feel like we have lost our sense of being, our sense of soul. We dream better dreams, and desire for them to come true without hurting anything or changing the order of things in the process.
But here lies the problem: For every 'dream come true', orders of life as we know it, always change!
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