Juney Bug

I must've had June bug fever. Just like them, popping out of nowhere, you did also. They make their sound every year. Buzzing against homesteads, screens, and drawn to light. They are a staple. It isn't June without them. It isn't summer. When you least expect it, June arrives, surprisingly; quickly. I'm not me without you. Their wings flutter, to the beat of natures song. Just as my heart does the moment you catch my eye. Just like the arrival June bugs and summers heat, what I hate most, your arrivals sweeps me into a whirlwind, measuring the pros and cons. You're here. But that doesn't mean anything. It means nothing but heated emotions of despair and anxiety. My heart swells, suffocated. All the emotions fall back into place and my soul feels uneasy. I missed you. But it got easier. Like an old friend, June bugs return. You have returned. All I want to do is cry. It's not fair. None of this fair. Even though I never told you, and denied it several times... The love, it's still there.

Startled, I awaken in the middle of the night. I pinch my skin- I can feel it. Turning on the light I pinch myself again to see the white to red discoloration. It works. I'm alive. My legs suddenly feel heavy. I become self-aware of the tingling from my thighs to my toes and the numbness weighs them down. I reach down and rub them simultaneously with both hands. The pressure stings, but soon subsides. I am finally able to move them. Slinging them both off the bed in one swift move, I reach for the floor with my toes. I can feel the soft threads of the shag carpet as my heels brace my body in full upright stance. I stand still momentarily to allow my brain and equilibrium to catch up.

It's cold; breezy. The window slaps the curtain loudly as the air pushes and shudders through the screen. I can hear the wind howl and whistle. I take a step forward to close the window, but at that moment hear a crack like a board breaking in half. The room lights up from the luminary display of lightning that nearly sent me backwards. I am half in shock from its striking chord. I now scurry to the window and shut it, forcing the air back out. The curtains still themselves. I hear a rumble of thunder and jump back away from the pane of glass. No wonder I had awoken. The brewing storm had stopped me from finishing my recurrent dream. My apocalyptic like dream. The one where I'm always running from something or someone. Tonight I was hiding, so as not be seen. Like many nights I was on a rescue mission, most likely for my kids. This storm had hindered me from knowing for sure.

These dreams happen more often than naught. They scare me. I question their meaning. If I had been a fan of apocalyptic movies and watched them often enough, I could write it off. It would make sense of why they reoccurred. I don't watch movies like that though. Perhaps it was all the Baptist preaching on the Book of Revelation I was subjected to as a child. I remember vividly the movies with a survival after "rapture" and Jesus' second coming. Maybe it was these life after total devastation on earth themes that scared me and haunted my subconscious REM.

It still left me wondering why. Why had these things been so impactful on my rapid brain waves during slumber? Was it my greatest fear- to be the last human standing? Last family standing? To be left behind, all the good guys gone, fighting for my family and my life? And why must I struggle so in my dreams? What in my life was I running from during the waking hours that came to fruition as an apocalyptic beast in my dreams? These are thoughts I pondered regularly.

By now I had slipped back into bed, pulling the covers clear up to my chin. Still thinking, I knew I wasn't afraid of zombies, vampires, witches, or werewolves. They simply didn't exist in real life; not real ones anyhow. So what is always chasing me? Why must I run, hide, and rescue? After a few more thoughts, I doze off dreaming again.

The morning light permeates the three windows of my room. I open one eye and close it quickly. I do not want to wake up. It is morning. I have no place to be. I roll over and lay on my stomach with my arms and hands tucked under the pillow beneath my head. I open the other eye. It 8:03 a.m. on the clock beside me. I close my eye, but the red digital number sticks to the occipital lobe of my brain- 8:03. No. I want to sleep. "I am not getting up", I chide my body. I feel as though I have been awake all night long. I am exhausted. It occurs to me that my brain has run a marathon and left my body lay here all night. I nearly speak aloud, "No wonder I haven't lost weight! With all the running I accomplish in my dreams I ought to be an Ironman!" I shift my legs underneath the covers, feeling a large lump of a cat at my feet. He is always there, faithfully, in my way. I can never quite stretch out straight. I move around him, letting him sleep there; claiming the space as his very own. I'd push him off the bed, as I have before. Relentless, he returns each time, perching himself in "his" spot ever so strategically at my feet again. It is a comfort though; knowing he is there. I am still here. I am not wondering around in some apocalyptic dream land still. I am here- in my cozy well lit bedroom with this furry companion warming my toes.

I'm staying here. In bed. Warm and secure. I am going to rest my eyes still some more….

I feel so far from you but yet so close. You're in my dreams; my mind cannot escape you. Oh for love I long to give you, to surrender to you my life, my soul. I miss you like you are gone for eternity...but it isnt so. You are still here...but not where I need you to be...

Come to me, not just in my dreams, not just in my heart...but come to my sight...for I am forgetting your face even now.

Wednesday, Just Because

You are always on my mind, always so close to my heart... and I miss you...so deeply, love, I miss you. Not just with my heart, but also with my soul. Oh, how I love you...even still.

I MISS YOU.....

Because of You

I fell asleep in your arms last night...or so I dreamed.
Because of you I rested well.
I have had the most sleepless nights lately.
School and work has been stressful.
I am doing ok, enduring it, but not resting like I should.
It has been since spring since I have seen you, briefly.
My heart aches for you, misses you, longs to see you again.
All it took was the thought of you to bring me peace.
I could hear your voice and imagined that I felt your embrace,
Even though I have never actually felt it's warmth or touch.
Your eyes, your smile, your embrace...they were breathtaking.
Because of you, my heart is broken.
Because of you, my heart feels alive.
Because of you, I love.

The Girl that has to fill the Silence

Watching from across the room,
I wished that I could stand close to you,
Your eyes piercing through my soul,
Your heart shielded by a weight.

How long must I have to feel this way?
When will I forget you exist?
When all I can remember is your laugh,
It’s enough to bring you back.

Feeling like my feet are dragging,
Not really sure as to why that is.
You make me feel this way.
You make me forget everything else.

I can’t breathe.
I find myself gasping for air.
This room is crowded, but I only see you.
My mind is cluttered with memories.

How can I move on?
What am I supposed to do?
I haven’t seen you for so long.
Does it even matter anymore?

I have seen you cry, even just a little.
I have heard you laugh.
Your heart on your sleeve,
Your mind on hope and despair.

I miss you with each passing day,
Even though it feels just like yesterday.
How could I let you slip by-
Without telling you the truth.

I am in love with you.
I always have been.
Yes, I love you.
Even now, every day, every time I remember you.

Oh Come, You, October Life

August is nearly over.
Thank God.
I have had about enough of this summer.
The mornings are fresh with new air, heavenly dew, and the scent of fall.
October is near.
We have yet but one more month for this journey.
Then you and I find ourselves another year older, another year wiser, and and another year apart.
My thoughts are never far from you, my heart still misses you.
I saw your name in an address today.
So many things to remind me of you.
It has been a while since we have spoken.
I always worry about you at this time of year.
You, like me, start falling with the season.
The trees change their color.
The earth changes it's light.
The skies are low and misty.
This is where life begins.
It is our time.
It is our moment.
Revive me, oh, October life.
Strengthen me.
Make me lift up my face and see the October sun.
Bring him back to me that I might see him, oh, just a glimpse, a moment.
Make it long.
Make it slow.
Take my beating heart and make it quiet as the stillness of a soul in love, loud with passion.
Free me of my summer pain.
Oh October life, I will stand here waiting for you to love me still.
Be this, the year of change.
The year of life begun.
Awake my soul, you have slept too long.
Oh come, you, October life, and love me.

Funny how things work...how things happen.
I haven't been able to sleep for days. I finally fall asleep to the sound of your voice or how I remember it to sound. I look at the clock and it's 3 a.m., and I lay there still wide awake. I toss and turn, toss and turn, trying to figure it all out. I can't get comfortable. If I turn the fan off, I am incredibly hot..but with it on, I am fiercely cold. I just wish that you were there encompassing me into your arms. I wrap the sheet around me, so that there is barely anything touching my skin. The comforter is to heavy. I fall asleep somewhere around 3:30 a.m....and awake again at 5 a.m. freezing. I am immune to the warmth the sheet has given me and must retrieve the comforter. Again, I lie awake...thinking of you.
It's hard to explain. I wish that I could just tell you. Wish that you knew. I saw you sitting there last night, in my dream, just as you were the first day we had a real conversation.
Oh how I have missed you.
You have been on my mind constant and sure.
When I see your parents, as I did yesterday, so close, so personal....I see you in them. It makes me miss you that much more.
Will I never be able to tell you this? When and if I do, what will you say? How would you react?
I miss you.....forgive me....but I do.

I thought of you lot this week...especially today..
For no particular reason.
Just thought of you.
I have missed you. Wish that I could see you.
That might be a bad idea...my heart would probably only break that much more.
I thought of your laugh...your smile.
Why did I have to fall in love?
There was nothing and there is nothing I can do about.
Love knows no boundaries though. It just happens.
It takes a person to stop it from coming into fruition.
I miss your eyes.
They pierced my heart.
You have no idea how much it hurts.
Knowing that I never told you, wishing that I had...
But knowing that I couldn't...
I love you today the same as always...you will always be in my heart, Love.

Dreaming Again

I keep having dreams that won't leave me be. You are just standing there behind me. You aren't who you have always been. You are someone new. I see your face, hear your voice, and you are familiar to me. It is almost as if my subconscious wants to play tricks on me. It makes me think that I want you, even though I have said that I don't. Each time though you are different. I am surrounding myself in the people I know. I really don't know you enough though. You are still a mystery to me. One day I see you, and you call me beautiful. When you stand behind me, I feel the closeness of your body against mine. I can't breathe. I want to find air within you. I turn my head half way and feel your face against my shoulder, my chin, my cheek. You wrap your arms around my waist and I find myself gasping for more air. I can't breathe again. You aren't the one I fall for...but how I wish I could feel the warmth of your being and the sweet kisses from your lips. They taunt me. They speak to me, words of one before me. You smile at me and my heart turns soft. I know that in a second, without a thought of hesitation, I'd surrender to this fall. I'd never ask more of you. I know we live seperate lives. But the thought crosses my mind daily. What would it be like to whisper in your ear, while in your embrace. To resist not those sweet lips that speak volumes of knowledge. To tell you to take me, even just once. To tell you of the desire that runs through my vains. I shudder with excitement at the thought of your caress. The feeling of your slender fingers down my spine. I whisper once more your name. It's too much. I am weak. I am frail. I am broken. Behold it is only a dream. I fail to fathom it's entirety. Onward I march, left to be dreaming again.

Someone Like You by Adele

I heard that your settled down.
That you found a girl and your married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
It ain't like you to hold back or hide from the lie.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.

You'd know how the time flies.
Only yesterday was the time of our lives.
We were born and raised in a summery haze.
Bound by the surprise of our glory days.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over yet.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead", yay.

Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regret's and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.

"Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day."
— Mark Twain

While there are days I could agree with Mr. Twain there...Sometimes, I would rather eat a frog...

I have been trying to find the words to express how I have been feeling lately, and I am truly at a loss..my heart feels lonely, like I am just wondering around on my own.
My love has found happiness, even if it be temporary, or maybe I just wish it to be.
I've been lost in some realm of depressing colors.
My favorite colors are black and white, sometimes grey.
I wonder what that says about me.
I should love colors like red, yellow, orange, even green, or blue...
But I love black.
I love grey dismal rainy days.
This may be the reflection of the color of my heart.
I wonder if it is the color of a broken, worn, unloved heart.
I try to fill it with non-prescibed medication.
Nothing works. Not even an affair or two.
Not even the smile of another friend's face cures the black hole seething inside me.
They are all blind. I started to show my opaque color and when they started to see it, I covered it quickly with new skin, tougher looking skin, skin with upward muscles that make me look like I am smiling.
I look perplexed, in pain, and blind when I face myself in the glass mirror each day.
I know that I am alive, and I will be fine. I just wish this life I have, wasn't mine.

How funny it is that I would see you just last night...
In the back of my mind, I thought it a possibility.
There you were...real, normal, married...
My only regret is never having told you long before of how much I loved you.
I had no idea then how deep it was,
Now I know that it is deep...
My heart fluttered, but I was okay with it.
I was happy to see you happy.
Unconditional love is that way...happy even when you can't have what you want.

I'll just fight for one more try each time to get to you.
You can call me crazy for that moment in time, just so you can hate me.
I'll never let go of the idea of loving you.
Just so you know.
It seems pointless.
You seem clueless.
You are. I am the only one who gets this.
But then again, I am the only one that loves like this.
Wishing I had just one more try.
Would I tell you this time?
If I could go back, I would.
Oh how I miss you.....

It was a terrible night. I kept trying to find you in my dream. I would see you, and just like that you were out of sight. God, I miss you!
Why won't this just leave me...this nagging emotion. I am so tired of losing sleep over a hopeless cause. Why do I keep feeling like I need to rescue you, find you, love you, need you? Just when I think I am over you, I'm mistaken.
Death to the thoughts and dreams of you. Death to the need for you.
O Love, leave me soul.

In an effort to subdue the insatiable appetite for love inside me, I have found heartbreak and pain. My house is in shambles, and so it is with my life. I feel more unloved and rejected than I ever have. I brought this upon myself; there is is no one else I can blame. Sure, I can tell you that it stems from the lack of real love from my parents; who never felt loved themselves, and therefore, didn't know how to give it. I am an individual who can make the decision to love or not to love. I ask myself though many times, why do I love so much. I have had friendships that I have poured my entire heart into. They have never worked out. I feel like I give them my life, and they have much better to worry about. What I have to offer is not important anymore. Should I not expect love in return from someone?
I loved. I never told him that I loved him. The way that things go in my life..I wonder if he would have even cared.
Am I worthy? Really? NO.

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part." ~John Mayer

Lie your head upon my chest,
Feel the rain within my heart;
The storm starts brewing at it's best,
To tear your soul apart.

From whence it came, no one knows,
It's dark grey cloud blinds your eyes,
It's strength invites both friends and foes,
Til your sould begins to fly.

It steals the joy from your heart;
It takes the love you're after.
It swirls again with such great art,
Enthralling bits of laughter.

Angry winds being to boast.
What could be but simple love;
Hurts the one it loves the most,
Descending from above.

lately

I have been thinking of you a lot lately. I had a dream last night about you. You were sitting there with me. We were in a very quiet secluded place. There was snow on the ground as I looked out the window from the room we were in. I was upset. I started pacing back and forth. I wasn't ready to let go of something. You were sitting on a bench with your elbows on your knees and your face in your hands, running your hands back through your hair. You seemed frustrated with me. You were trying to be patient with me. I heard you say, "I understand." I remember that my heart was feeling very anxious. It was heavy with something. I was sad. In the back of mind, it seemed like I was depressed. Something tragic had happened to me. I kept trying to think of what it was. I had nothing. You stood up and stated, "I just want to hold you now, just for now. Can't that be enough?" I stopped watching the snow fall outside the window. I glanced at you. The room was grey-white, and nearly blue. It was a bedroom. You were standing there with brown khaki pants on, bare feet and a white linen button up shirt that was only half way buttoned. Your eyes focused on mine. Your hands pale and trembling, but open as if to ask why you couldn't just embrace me. Your skin was gleaming. It may have been the red-orange crackling of the fire behind you, but you seemed so warm. I wanted to just run to you and embrace you. I stood still. I couldn't move. My heart seemed like a thousand pound anchor holding me to the floor where I stood. I felt the tears swelling in my eyes. I glance out the window again, saying, "If I can't understand myself, how could I possibly believe that you can understand?"
You started to walk slowly towards the bed. You sat on the edge and crossed your arms, shaking your head. Then you said, "I am not here to hurt you. I am here to relieve you of hurt and pain. You have to let go. You have to leave winter and meet me half way. What more do you want than me standing here with arms wide open, to take you as you are and not hold back?" I started to tremble with tears and sobbing. It had been so long, if ever, that I felt like I was loved. How could you love me, I thought. After all these years, how could break away from everything that you knew and love me.
Then I woke. I always wake just then. It is almost as if I know it's too good to be true. As if I have just pinched myself, to make myself wake up.
How could I believe that our two lives collided for a reason, and now there is nothing. Absolutely nothing. Will it always be nothing?
I miss you; terribly miss you. I don't know what to do sometimes without you. I still look for you every Sunday, hoping that maybe for some unknown reason you will show up, without her.

Crashing waves
Emotions rise
Times are changing
A new year
A new decade
A new era in my life

Bleeding heart
Empty tears
Love is restless
A new time
A new place
A strange way to begin

I feel so lost without you....God, I miss you....I'm in so much pain right now. I need to sit down and connect the way we used to.

I thought of you today.
I still love you.
Still miss you...still wish I could have you. I need you...

Winter

Today the snow is falling light little snowflakes all over the ground like pretty white petals from a flower. The last few days, you have been on my mind. It is difficult for me to explain why. You have been gone for a while. You have not responded to any of my holiday or birthday greetings. It makes me wonder if you have read this. I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your complexity. I miss the way you look so confused at me when I start rambling. I miss our connection. Things feel kinda backwards without you. Wish I could just pick up the phone and ask you how things are going. I wonder what you're reading now. I wonder if you are happy.
I miss you. I miss falling asleep dreaming of you. Wish you know how much I loved you, even now, after so much time has passed....

Again I dreamt of you. I have to admit that it has been a while now though. You have not been around. I have not forgotten you. But it is easier to not have you here. I am not at peace though. Ever since you told me that you were getting married, I have shut down. I am beginning to realize it more and more. I was alive when I had hope. Now that there is none...I am feeling so alone. So dead. I struggle to breathe again. I struggle to stay afloat. I used to have you to look forward to seeing even for a moment. Now, there is not even that. I often wonder how happy you are. I wish for nothing more than your happiness...but also wish I could shake my own dispair. How did I get here? How did I lose sight of my life? How did I miss my calling so long ago, that I could possibly be still soooo hung up on you? Not that you aren't a good thing to be hung up on. But, I need a diversion. I need to find peace again.
You might think that I should peace in God. While this is true, I am so very human. There is still that feeling inside my gut. That nagging feeling that won't go away. I miss you so much. Too much.
I will never stop loving you. Ever.

Sundays

Sundays aren't the same; they are beautiful, but not the same.
I missed looking out today and watching you smile. I missed seeing you watch the screen and listen to every word. I missed seeing you make notes with your left hand.

Wonder when I will stop missing you....

I dreamt the other night that we met in an airport. We talked forever. I told you that I had missed you, and you were so suprised. Then I woke. The next night I fell asleep, you were walking towards me in another dream. This time you told me that you had missed me too. You reached out your arms and drew me in close. I awoke.

I am so tired of dancing around dreams. I wish I could just tell you what I am feeling. I wish I could just know what you thought. I know that I had to have imagined everything....but then I wonder......

Will I ever stop missing you, love? Will it ever stop hurting so incredibly?

you look just like him

I am still surrounded by the image of you. I see you in your brothers eyes and smile, and hear you when he talks. I see you in your fathers laughter. It reminds me of you. I wish that I could see you. Just want to look into your eyes, so that I can keep it here in my mind sharper than it has been for a while. I miss you. I imagine your arms around me every night before I fall sleep. You are almost one of the first things I think of when I wake up in the morning. I don't know why that is. It just is. Today is beautiful.

I miss you today. The air is getting cold, and it's about that time of year when I start thinking about curling up in the corner of the couch with a blanket with a hot cup of tea and honey. Staring into nothing, thinking of your arms wrapped around me. I can see your eyes. But they are fading now. I haven't seen you for a while, and even though I can make out your image in my mind, it's not as sharp as it used to be. I listen to my music, and muse that someday soon, I will see you again.
I still love you just the same, but it has been easier for my heart not to ache. It has been a busy, but confusing summer. And while I seem to ahve shut down, fall always brings me back to life. I miss you today, and wish that you could know.

It seems absurd, but I miss you today. I really do. You are the love of my heart. I can't seem to shake you from my thoughts. I wish that I could tell you this, that you were still available to tell. I feel like that when you are away you are almost dead to me. Like you don't even exist. I am really not that far from you most of the time. But it seems that you are so far away. Wish I could pick up the telephone and call you, tell you I miss you, how much I love you, and how I can't wait to see you again. It would mean nothing to you though I am sure. You don't even know that I feel this way about you. How is it possible to love someone so much that never has or never will love you back??
I should have said something when I had the chance. But then again, I would not have had a chance, in this tomb I call a body. I am so lost in here. You could never love this. Knowing me, you would never fall for this.

I fell asleep in your arms

Again, I fell asleep in your arms
I know I must have been dreaming
You are not here for me at all,
Sometimes I wish I never knew you.

Again, I kiss your soft lips goodnight
I wrap the sheet around me close
I am cold, and somehow feel your warmth
It wraps my like a warm blanket.

Again, I feel your hand intertwine with mine
I pull your arms around me
Curling up beside the warmth of your body
I remember the first day I ever saw you.

Again, I feel so alone, even though I dream of you
I feel like I cannot find peace
I miss you so much, so very much
Is love alive in you, it is in me.

Never again, will I ever love anyone the way that I have loved you all these years, as silent as they have been. I wish you would read this!!! God, I miss you!!! I miss you, I love you, I need you!

If you are reading this....yes, it is you I am talking to. I don't need a psychologist to tell me why I love you, or how, or what to do about it. I have to figure this out on my own. I have to love you my way. I cannot embarrass you or me, or make things worse, or feel stupid, or break your heart...

So then no sooner did I write my last blog entry and there you are...showing up for an entire week, I see you every day. I am not okay with this, as it really hurts me. I am hurt because I know I am living a lie. I am hurt, not because you hurt me, but because i led myself to believe that maybe you felt something back in return. Oh, how I was wrong in every way possible. I can see now that you are happy, I see you laughing a lot. You are playing with all the kids and it cracks me up to see you so playful. Unfortunately this makes me love you even more. It also makes reality very much that...reality!
I hate this!! I don't understand why I can feel this way about someone, I barely know. I know some things about you, but not enough to really pledge Love. It isn't enough to say why I love you. I do believe though in love at first sight. I remember just how it felt and it was instant. It was real.
The only problem is that I then believed somehow that you might feel something, anything, just a tinge towards me. I think now that I couldn't have been more wrong.
I wish I could tell you....
I could; but then what?
Nothing can be done about it.
Just a bunch more of heart-ache, embarrassment, and mixed emotions.
So if you read this, it's either because you stumbled upon it yourself, or I slipped you a piece of paper with the address on it while brave enough to do so, and you ventured to look it up.
If then, you do read this, I need to know. I need to know what it makes you think. What is your thought on what I have said. I can't help how I feel...just keep reading....don't stop reading....it's been years...years...

So, it has been a very long time since I have wrote anything in here. I haven't seen you for nearly 3 months. I'd like to say that I am over you, but I am not. I don't think I ever will be. If you walked into my vision at any moment, I do believe my heart would melt all over again. My thoughts would turn to mush and my heart would pound a thousand times louder than normal, I'd blush and feel overwhelmed with even just the sight of you. You have no idea what this does to me. I keep wondering if you read this that day I slipped up and sent the email with the address to this attached. I would like to think that you did, but then again, I am embarrassed if you did. It is better for you not to know. Then you won't think I am ridiculous. I know that I am. I have been doing a lot of different things to calm the muddled emotions that cloud up my head. Summer has been good to me in that respect. The longer I don't see you, the better. Maybe.