lately

I have been thinking of you a lot lately. I had a dream last night about you. You were sitting there with me. We were in a very quiet secluded place. There was snow on the ground as I looked out the window from the room we were in. I was upset. I started pacing back and forth. I wasn't ready to let go of something. You were sitting on a bench with your elbows on your knees and your face in your hands, running your hands back through your hair. You seemed frustrated with me. You were trying to be patient with me. I heard you say, "I understand." I remember that my heart was feeling very anxious. It was heavy with something. I was sad. In the back of mind, it seemed like I was depressed. Something tragic had happened to me. I kept trying to think of what it was. I had nothing. You stood up and stated, "I just want to hold you now, just for now. Can't that be enough?" I stopped watching the snow fall outside the window. I glanced at you. The room was grey-white, and nearly blue. It was a bedroom. You were standing there with brown khaki pants on, bare feet and a white linen button up shirt that was only half way buttoned. Your eyes focused on mine. Your hands pale and trembling, but open as if to ask why you couldn't just embrace me. Your skin was gleaming. It may have been the red-orange crackling of the fire behind you, but you seemed so warm. I wanted to just run to you and embrace you. I stood still. I couldn't move. My heart seemed like a thousand pound anchor holding me to the floor where I stood. I felt the tears swelling in my eyes. I glance out the window again, saying, "If I can't understand myself, how could I possibly believe that you can understand?"
You started to walk slowly towards the bed. You sat on the edge and crossed your arms, shaking your head. Then you said, "I am not here to hurt you. I am here to relieve you of hurt and pain. You have to let go. You have to leave winter and meet me half way. What more do you want than me standing here with arms wide open, to take you as you are and not hold back?" I started to tremble with tears and sobbing. It had been so long, if ever, that I felt like I was loved. How could you love me, I thought. After all these years, how could break away from everything that you knew and love me.
Then I woke. I always wake just then. It is almost as if I know it's too good to be true. As if I have just pinched myself, to make myself wake up.
How could I believe that our two lives collided for a reason, and now there is nothing. Absolutely nothing. Will it always be nothing?
I miss you; terribly miss you. I don't know what to do sometimes without you. I still look for you every Sunday, hoping that maybe for some unknown reason you will show up, without her.