Written 8/20/09::

Sometimes I wish I had nothing to lose. I wish that I could just pick up my stuff and move on. With no worries, no regrets. I wonder what that would be like. I know what I would be like. I would be free. Happy.
I would write forever and ever. I would find a way to make a living and make all my dreams come true, all on my own.
I would love and be loved. I would have excitement back in my life. I would do things I had never been brave enough to do before. I would get what I wanted out of this life and no one, no ONE would stop me.
I would have the strength to walk away from an old life and create a new one. I would have the guts to say when I am not happy. I would have the guts to change it.

12/22/16 Words on a paper or typed across a page are there to express how I am feeling, or what I am thinking about, or maybe they are some reminder for the future me.
The future me.  Who is she, I wonder.  I have imagined her before.  She doesn't feel like there is an elephant sitting on her chest.  She doesn't feel like she is drowning in a tomb.  There isn't a shell around her.  She is open.  She is humble.  She is graceful.  She is full of health and strength and wisdom.  Her heart is full.

08/17/18  I read all these words and I want to cry... I want to get lost in them.  I want to express them.  How awful it feels to never speak them.  I have read your words to family, how beautiful and heartfelt they are.  There is a way about you that I cannot explain.  Your love and dedication is something to be jealous of.

Written: 2/21/19

The worst thing in the world, I have found, is not being able to voice what you feel in the moments that are most crucial.  Recently I have been feeling the lull of winter and it's unbidden presence.  I say things like "I'm over it!", "This weather sucks",  or "I've got a seasonal depression funk going on".  While all these things are understood without many words, it goes far deeper than they sound.

I feel like crying.  I feel like hiding under the sheets and blankets and not coming back out for a long, long time.  I have this feeling of isolation in the midst of people.  I want to be alone, but I hate being lonely.  I want to be held... I want to be hugged, cuddled, hand held...  but I don't want to sleep that way.  I want to sleep..soundly.

I want a complete do-over on life... like I just want to get it right the next time or something.  My perfectionist self is exploding.  My laissez faire side is exploding.  I am stuck in the middle of one of the worst times I have felt in a long time.  I can't say no.  I can't get off the roller coaster.  I want to take care of who I want to take care of and no one else, but I can't choose.  That's not allowed.

I am in pain.  Physical pain every day exhausts me.  I am tired of being tired and hurting.  Every ounce of my body hurts always. I am so used to it now, that I don't realize it until it starts screaming. I adjust. I move and the pain lightens.  Only to return later.

I am a poor excuse for a wife.  I can't keep my head straight.  I can't think straight.  I should love my husband unconditionally, but my brain is so distracted by so many other things, and humans.  I am a mess physically.  I can't perform the way I used to.  I don't want things like I used to and it shows.  I feel like I am walking through the motions.  Emotions.

No kisses. No hugs. I am only always and ever will be used. He doesn't love me.  He loves the idea of me.  The me that cooks and cleans and manages everything with complete ease.  The me that he wants to have fantasy sex with all the time. Every time.  The me who doesn't need words of affirmation, signs and gestures of affections.  The me who has got it all under control and doesn't look anywhere else to fill her empty soul.  The me who has this mom thing down pat and knows just what to say every time. The me who waits on him hand and foot, does all the laundry and  makes all the money, so he can stay home.

This is the unbearable weight on my shoulders.

I am only here for others. No one is here for me.  I am and always will be an island.  I was misnamed from birth.  Amanda:Beloved/ Mandy: Worthy of Love.

What a crock of shit.

For the love of Fucking Grapes... I just want to hold someone's hand, hug them, be held, be warm and snug, safe, loved, wanted, and looked after.  I want someone else to do it.  I don't want to do it anymore.  I want to stop the madness and start over.

Thoughts of you after moments I missed...

I can't ever say what is always at the tip of my tongue... between there and exit of my lips lies all the truth in the world. The truth that I was, I am, and I will always be completely, whole-heartedly, madly, deeply, and unabashedly IN love with you.

If I never get to tell you... I am sorry.  It is the one voice I am scared to share.

Be Brave-- I tell myself... but the risk... may be too great.

Nothing prepares me for these emotions...
At the end of the day, I am still thinking about you.
I am still thinking of you the moment I wake.
I swear I dream about you, but more than half the time I don't remember all of my dreams.
There is no doubt in my mind that I am still in love with you.
I have for years, at least 10, stuffed my feelings here inside a blog, down in the deep, dark somewhere.
You haven't done anything special, you haven't been anything but professionally yourself.
I see glimpses of a relaxed you, a funny side, a less stressed side.  You are so reserved.  You are on a mission whenever I am around...
But lately, I keep seeing glimpses of the real you, the deep down you, the you that yearns for connection.
I promise you, it is there.
All my fears flood in... at once.
I feel like I am reading the greatest mystery novel ever known to mankind.  The one where you think you have solved the age old mystery, but the punch line, the enigma still stands there staring me boldly in the eyes.
I can't tell if there is anything there... there is so much chaos in between. 
I feel like the first day I started blogging... hopelessly head-over-heels in love, with no voice, and scared to death you couldn't care less...
The other night I lay awake for hours considering the risk it would be to tell you-
I could tell you, spill my heart out to you and hear the following:
I had no idea you felt that way...
Oh gosh, I don't know if I came across a certain way, but I don't feel that way...
That's nice..you're so sweet...
I'm not sure what to say...
I'm married...
Me too..
Silence.

Either way... it's risky...
And to each of those, I could reply:
I've been silent for SO incredibly long.
I know....
I'm married too.
I've known WHAT to say, but couldn't for SO long...
You are seriously the kindest soul I have EVER met...
I have never wanted to come across that way, tried to maintain a professional tone, always!
I have no idea how you feel...but here is my heart... all of it...every. single. ounce.

It's risky because at this point there is nothing we can do...even if you actually felt something for me...nothing can be done about it.  We are living in two different worlds, lives, heck- realms!
But it amazes me that those worlds keep tangling together ever so often... like every blue moon.
Still there is nothing we can do... morally right.

So, I will stay here in silence a while longer... maybe forever... and not say one word about how I feel. Not one word about how I love you completely, totally, and cannot breathe sometimes at the thought of how much I feel for you.

I am risking being found guilty of loving another... but someday I pray I can surrender my heart.

I am Jealous

It never fails...
There is always something to remind me of how I once felt...
How I know I still feel...But will never say.
I am Jealous... and I am not the jealous type, but I resign myself to jealousy when it comes to you.
This song depicts my emotions completely.

Click here to hear: Labrinth Jealous


I'm jealous of the rain
That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been
I'm jealous of the rain
I'm jealous of the wind
That ripples through your clothes
It's closer than your shadow
Oh, I'm jealous of the wind
'Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me
I'm jealous of the nights
That I don't spend with you
I'm wondering who you lay next to
Oh, I'm jealous of the nights
I'm jealous of the love
Love that was in here
Gone for someone else to share
Oh, I'm jealous of the love
'Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me
As I sink in the sand
Watch you slip through my hands
Oh, as I die here another day, yeah
'Cause all I do is cry behind this smile
I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me
I-I-It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

• Category

  • Music

• Song

  • Jealous

• Artist

  • Labrinth

• Licensed to YouTube by

  • SME (on behalf of Syco Music); CMRRA, EMI Music Publishing, Audiam (Publishing), ASCAP, SOLAR Music Rights Management, and 24 Music Rights Societies

My Heart... Be Still.

Listen here for: Come Up for Air

Come Up for Air

Skylar Grey

I'm no good for you
I'm not what you need
You've made it very clear
Though I disagree

Enough to let you go
To let you drift away
'Cause once you navigate these troubled waters
I believe that someday you'll return

And I will still be here
When you come up for air
Do you what you gotta do
I'll wait for you, to come for air

'Cause this whole wide world
There's no one else for me
So while you search the seas for answers
I will still be waiting here

Make sure you dive down deep
Because if you do
Even though it takes a thousand lifetimes
My love, I know you're finally gonna see the truth, and you'll return

And I will still be here
When you come up for air
Do you what you gotta do
I'll wait for you, to come for air

And even if this really is the end
I'm sure I'll be alone until I'm dead
'Cause no one else will ever quite compare
To them, it wouldn't be fair

To let you with somebody new
And all I did was think of you
If you're my Jack then I'm your Rose
And I promise I'll never ever let go

And I'll still be here
When you come up for air
Do you what you gotta do
I'll wait for you, to come for air

To come up for air
Come up for air
Come up for air
To come up for air

To come up for air
Come up for air
Come up for air
To come up for air

Songwriters: Holly Hafermann / Marshall Mathers / Luis Resto

Come Up for Air lyrics © ME Gusta Music

What is infinity?  Often symbolized by a figure 8, it is defined as an immeasurable, indefinite amount of space, time or quantity without limitations and greater than any person can conceive.
It is unfathomable.  It is not reachable. It never ends.

This is only but a season in my life.  Eight years have come and gone since I was able to put to my feelings into words.  Even then they are never complete.  I am missing a piece of me.  You can't tell me that when someone feels this way, there is nothing to it.  I think that no matter how far I go in this life I will always wonder "what if?". If only for a moment in time, I am awake. I know exactly how I feel, but can say nothing. 

Every time I see you, my heart still jumps.  I am still in love with you.  My love for you is infinite.  I cannot stop it, even if I tried. 

I keep trying to ask myself why, what's wrong with me?  Why can't I give this up?  You feel so unreachable, yet so close.  Electricity pierces its way through my veins straight to my heart at the feeling of your brief touch.  It's just a gesture of kindness, stopping us in our tracks to say hello.  I usually have been the one who reaches out, but this time, you did.  It shocked me.  I was struck by silence.  Polite small talk is all I could muster up.  

I'm dying inside.

I have been running through self-help, self-examination for months, but none of that seems to squelch the gnawing emotions consuming my every day.  I miss you when you are not here and long to see you, when you are present.  Albeit far from my reach, I feel that someday, somehow, I will share this with you.  This secret of how I have loved you for so long.  I have loved you for infinity times two.  16 years is long to feel so strongly and never say a word.

It hurts so much I could burst.

Chiding myself daily to be content where I am doesn't work either.  No matter how many verses I recite, words I use to talk myself down from these emotions, feelings I push aside, you are still there imprinted upon my heart. But for one second, one millisecond, I wish I could tell you....

The demons inside my mind restrict me; they keep my tongue tied.  I need to let you go.  

It scares me...these secrets scare me to confess.
What if it isn't welcome?  These ideas of love, infinite love...what if they scare you too?
To love someone with such passion, regardless of bounds and legality.  Paper restrictions, rules, laws, and nature.  They are all barricades to the heart.  

It doesn't mean I won't feel what I do though.  It simply means I am not allowed.

So, what does it mean to love someone infinitely?  
It means there is hope.  It means, maybe someday, I can love you freely.  If only I could erase the doubt from my mind.

Here we are in completely different places.  In completely different worlds.  Moving along with the pace of life set before us, the ones we created for ourselves.  But what if I had stopped it, just for once.... what if I had said what was on my mind?  What if I had mentioned my love, my connection, my heart?  What if I said that I was in love with you?  Would you have received it?  Would you have taken it into consideration?  Would there even be anything to consider?  Would it be reciprocated?  

Walk with me, the love of my heart.  For just a moment, walk with me.  Let me tell you all the secrets within.
Let my arms fold in yours, and your heart hum in my ear.  Let my infinite love be all we need to survive.  Let it be full and happy, to withstand time.  Let me steal your glance, your thoughts, your heart, your soul.  

Anon

That your heart has swum for so long...

The lyrics are both beautiful in French and English... Oh my heart....

http://youtu.be/O6IzUj5dbiQ

This sums up sooo much...

http://youtu.be/kLfjhSmvFjM

Thinking of you today.

7 years of silence

I've gone through and read all of these old posts.  Some sound so immature.  Some desperate.  However, there is one key note in them all.  Pain.

For seven years, I've been "silent".  Silently journaling the strength of my emotions.  I've been discreetly trying to recover from what I often thought was just a false infatuation.  I have denied to myself and to others that the feelings where just imagined.  They were just thoughts of how things might have been or possibly could be.  A dream. A false reality.

The pain that I felt is still relevant today.  I have felt used.  I have felt unnoticed.  I have felt suppressed in so many different ways.  I have dealt with depression and anxiety.  This road has been ugly, uncomfortable, and extremely difficult.

I have resigned so many times the emotions stirring within me.  It hurts beyond words.  I have chosen to be content with what I have.  However, that choice comes with a price.

I am still so full of love, so much my heart could burst! It consumes me.  The love I have for you never went away. I have silenced my heart, but my soul knows what it feels.

Will I ever be able to tell you?

So this came across my Facebook feed this afternoon. I'm not sure what to make of it. Does love die? I wonder. Are there different levels of love? Comfort. Compassion. Appreciation. Admiration. Lust. Contentment. Tolerance. I think there are. How does a love like that mentioned in the article stay put? How does it stay kindled? I can tell you how the fire dies. But not sure how to rekindle it the same way it was before. Not sure how to make it stay.

http://simplereminders.com/quotes/fall-love-fall-love-wake-day.html

Juney Bug

I must've had June bug fever. Just like them, popping out of nowhere, you did also. They make their sound every year. Buzzing against homesteads, screens, and drawn to light. They are a staple. It isn't June without them. It isn't summer. When you least expect it, June arrives, surprisingly; quickly. I'm not me without you. Their wings flutter, to the beat of natures song. Just as my heart does the moment you catch my eye. Just like the arrival June bugs and summers heat, what I hate most, your arrivals sweeps me into a whirlwind, measuring the pros and cons. You're here. But that doesn't mean anything. It means nothing but heated emotions of despair and anxiety. My heart swells, suffocated. All the emotions fall back into place and my soul feels uneasy. I missed you. But it got easier. Like an old friend, June bugs return. You have returned. All I want to do is cry. It's not fair. None of this fair. Even though I never told you, and denied it several times... The love, it's still there.

Startled, I awaken in the middle of the night. I pinch my skin- I can feel it. Turning on the light I pinch myself again to see the white to red discoloration. It works. I'm alive. My legs suddenly feel heavy. I become self-aware of the tingling from my thighs to my toes and the numbness weighs them down. I reach down and rub them simultaneously with both hands. The pressure stings, but soon subsides. I am finally able to move them. Slinging them both off the bed in one swift move, I reach for the floor with my toes. I can feel the soft threads of the shag carpet as my heels brace my body in full upright stance. I stand still momentarily to allow my brain and equilibrium to catch up.

It's cold; breezy. The window slaps the curtain loudly as the air pushes and shudders through the screen. I can hear the wind howl and whistle. I take a step forward to close the window, but at that moment hear a crack like a board breaking in half. The room lights up from the luminary display of lightning that nearly sent me backwards. I am half in shock from its striking chord. I now scurry to the window and shut it, forcing the air back out. The curtains still themselves. I hear a rumble of thunder and jump back away from the pane of glass. No wonder I had awoken. The brewing storm had stopped me from finishing my recurrent dream. My apocalyptic like dream. The one where I'm always running from something or someone. Tonight I was hiding, so as not be seen. Like many nights I was on a rescue mission, most likely for my kids. This storm had hindered me from knowing for sure.

These dreams happen more often than naught. They scare me. I question their meaning. If I had been a fan of apocalyptic movies and watched them often enough, I could write it off. It would make sense of why they reoccurred. I don't watch movies like that though. Perhaps it was all the Baptist preaching on the Book of Revelation I was subjected to as a child. I remember vividly the movies with a survival after "rapture" and Jesus' second coming. Maybe it was these life after total devastation on earth themes that scared me and haunted my subconscious REM.

It still left me wondering why. Why had these things been so impactful on my rapid brain waves during slumber? Was it my greatest fear- to be the last human standing? Last family standing? To be left behind, all the good guys gone, fighting for my family and my life? And why must I struggle so in my dreams? What in my life was I running from during the waking hours that came to fruition as an apocalyptic beast in my dreams? These are thoughts I pondered regularly.

By now I had slipped back into bed, pulling the covers clear up to my chin. Still thinking, I knew I wasn't afraid of zombies, vampires, witches, or werewolves. They simply didn't exist in real life; not real ones anyhow. So what is always chasing me? Why must I run, hide, and rescue? After a few more thoughts, I doze off dreaming again.

The morning light permeates the three windows of my room. I open one eye and close it quickly. I do not want to wake up. It is morning. I have no place to be. I roll over and lay on my stomach with my arms and hands tucked under the pillow beneath my head. I open the other eye. It 8:03 a.m. on the clock beside me. I close my eye, but the red digital number sticks to the occipital lobe of my brain- 8:03. No. I want to sleep. "I am not getting up", I chide my body. I feel as though I have been awake all night long. I am exhausted. It occurs to me that my brain has run a marathon and left my body lay here all night. I nearly speak aloud, "No wonder I haven't lost weight! With all the running I accomplish in my dreams I ought to be an Ironman!" I shift my legs underneath the covers, feeling a large lump of a cat at my feet. He is always there, faithfully, in my way. I can never quite stretch out straight. I move around him, letting him sleep there; claiming the space as his very own. I'd push him off the bed, as I have before. Relentless, he returns each time, perching himself in "his" spot ever so strategically at my feet again. It is a comfort though; knowing he is there. I am still here. I am not wondering around in some apocalyptic dream land still. I am here- in my cozy well lit bedroom with this furry companion warming my toes.

I'm staying here. In bed. Warm and secure. I am going to rest my eyes still some more….

I feel so far from you but yet so close. You're in my dreams; my mind cannot escape you. Oh for love I long to give you, to surrender to you my life, my soul. I miss you like you are gone for eternity...but it isnt so. You are still here...but not where I need you to be...

Come to me, not just in my dreams, not just in my heart...but come to my sight...for I am forgetting your face even now.

Wednesday, Just Because

You are always on my mind, always so close to my heart... and I miss you...so deeply, love, I miss you. Not just with my heart, but also with my soul. Oh, how I love you...even still.

I MISS YOU.....

Because of You

I fell asleep in your arms last night...or so I dreamed.
Because of you I rested well.
I have had the most sleepless nights lately.
School and work has been stressful.
I am doing ok, enduring it, but not resting like I should.
It has been since spring since I have seen you, briefly.
My heart aches for you, misses you, longs to see you again.
All it took was the thought of you to bring me peace.
I could hear your voice and imagined that I felt your embrace,
Even though I have never actually felt it's warmth or touch.
Your eyes, your smile, your embrace...they were breathtaking.
Because of you, my heart is broken.
Because of you, my heart feels alive.
Because of you, I love.

The Girl that has to fill the Silence

Watching from across the room,
I wished that I could stand close to you,
Your eyes piercing through my soul,
Your heart shielded by a weight.

How long must I have to feel this way?
When will I forget you exist?
When all I can remember is your laugh,
It’s enough to bring you back.

Feeling like my feet are dragging,
Not really sure as to why that is.
You make me feel this way.
You make me forget everything else.

I can’t breathe.
I find myself gasping for air.
This room is crowded, but I only see you.
My mind is cluttered with memories.

How can I move on?
What am I supposed to do?
I haven’t seen you for so long.
Does it even matter anymore?

I have seen you cry, even just a little.
I have heard you laugh.
Your heart on your sleeve,
Your mind on hope and despair.

I miss you with each passing day,
Even though it feels just like yesterday.
How could I let you slip by-
Without telling you the truth.

I am in love with you.
I always have been.
Yes, I love you.
Even now, every day, every time I remember you.

Oh Come, You, October Life

August is nearly over.
Thank God.
I have had about enough of this summer.
The mornings are fresh with new air, heavenly dew, and the scent of fall.
October is near.
We have yet but one more month for this journey.
Then you and I find ourselves another year older, another year wiser, and and another year apart.
My thoughts are never far from you, my heart still misses you.
I saw your name in an address today.
So many things to remind me of you.
It has been a while since we have spoken.
I always worry about you at this time of year.
You, like me, start falling with the season.
The trees change their color.
The earth changes it's light.
The skies are low and misty.
This is where life begins.
It is our time.
It is our moment.
Revive me, oh, October life.
Strengthen me.
Make me lift up my face and see the October sun.
Bring him back to me that I might see him, oh, just a glimpse, a moment.
Make it long.
Make it slow.
Take my beating heart and make it quiet as the stillness of a soul in love, loud with passion.
Free me of my summer pain.
Oh October life, I will stand here waiting for you to love me still.
Be this, the year of change.
The year of life begun.
Awake my soul, you have slept too long.
Oh come, you, October life, and love me.

Funny how things work...how things happen.
I haven't been able to sleep for days. I finally fall asleep to the sound of your voice or how I remember it to sound. I look at the clock and it's 3 a.m., and I lay there still wide awake. I toss and turn, toss and turn, trying to figure it all out. I can't get comfortable. If I turn the fan off, I am incredibly hot..but with it on, I am fiercely cold. I just wish that you were there encompassing me into your arms. I wrap the sheet around me, so that there is barely anything touching my skin. The comforter is to heavy. I fall asleep somewhere around 3:30 a.m....and awake again at 5 a.m. freezing. I am immune to the warmth the sheet has given me and must retrieve the comforter. Again, I lie awake...thinking of you.
It's hard to explain. I wish that I could just tell you. Wish that you knew. I saw you sitting there last night, in my dream, just as you were the first day we had a real conversation.
Oh how I have missed you.
You have been on my mind constant and sure.
When I see your parents, as I did yesterday, so close, so personal....I see you in them. It makes me miss you that much more.
Will I never be able to tell you this? When and if I do, what will you say? How would you react?
I miss you.....forgive me....but I do.

I thought of you lot this week...especially today..
For no particular reason.
Just thought of you.
I have missed you. Wish that I could see you.
That might be a bad idea...my heart would probably only break that much more.
I thought of your laugh...your smile.
Why did I have to fall in love?
There was nothing and there is nothing I can do about.
Love knows no boundaries though. It just happens.
It takes a person to stop it from coming into fruition.
I miss your eyes.
They pierced my heart.
You have no idea how much it hurts.
Knowing that I never told you, wishing that I had...
But knowing that I couldn't...
I love you today the same as always...you will always be in my heart, Love.

Dreaming Again

I keep having dreams that won't leave me be. You are just standing there behind me. You aren't who you have always been. You are someone new. I see your face, hear your voice, and you are familiar to me. It is almost as if my subconscious wants to play tricks on me. It makes me think that I want you, even though I have said that I don't. Each time though you are different. I am surrounding myself in the people I know. I really don't know you enough though. You are still a mystery to me. One day I see you, and you call me beautiful. When you stand behind me, I feel the closeness of your body against mine. I can't breathe. I want to find air within you. I turn my head half way and feel your face against my shoulder, my chin, my cheek. You wrap your arms around my waist and I find myself gasping for more air. I can't breathe again. You aren't the one I fall for...but how I wish I could feel the warmth of your being and the sweet kisses from your lips. They taunt me. They speak to me, words of one before me. You smile at me and my heart turns soft. I know that in a second, without a thought of hesitation, I'd surrender to this fall. I'd never ask more of you. I know we live seperate lives. But the thought crosses my mind daily. What would it be like to whisper in your ear, while in your embrace. To resist not those sweet lips that speak volumes of knowledge. To tell you to take me, even just once. To tell you of the desire that runs through my vains. I shudder with excitement at the thought of your caress. The feeling of your slender fingers down my spine. I whisper once more your name. It's too much. I am weak. I am frail. I am broken. Behold it is only a dream. I fail to fathom it's entirety. Onward I march, left to be dreaming again.

Someone Like You by Adele

I heard that your settled down.
That you found a girl and your married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
It ain't like you to hold back or hide from the lie.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.

You'd know how the time flies.
Only yesterday was the time of our lives.
We were born and raised in a summery haze.
Bound by the surprise of our glory days.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over yet.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead", yay.

Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regret's and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.

"Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day."
— Mark Twain

While there are days I could agree with Mr. Twain there...Sometimes, I would rather eat a frog...

I have been trying to find the words to express how I have been feeling lately, and I am truly at a loss..my heart feels lonely, like I am just wondering around on my own.
My love has found happiness, even if it be temporary, or maybe I just wish it to be.
I've been lost in some realm of depressing colors.
My favorite colors are black and white, sometimes grey.
I wonder what that says about me.
I should love colors like red, yellow, orange, even green, or blue...
But I love black.
I love grey dismal rainy days.
This may be the reflection of the color of my heart.
I wonder if it is the color of a broken, worn, unloved heart.
I try to fill it with non-prescibed medication.
Nothing works. Not even an affair or two.
Not even the smile of another friend's face cures the black hole seething inside me.
They are all blind. I started to show my opaque color and when they started to see it, I covered it quickly with new skin, tougher looking skin, skin with upward muscles that make me look like I am smiling.
I look perplexed, in pain, and blind when I face myself in the glass mirror each day.
I know that I am alive, and I will be fine. I just wish this life I have, wasn't mine.

How funny it is that I would see you just last night...
In the back of my mind, I thought it a possibility.
There you were...real, normal, married...
My only regret is never having told you long before of how much I loved you.
I had no idea then how deep it was,
Now I know that it is deep...
My heart fluttered, but I was okay with it.
I was happy to see you happy.
Unconditional love is that way...happy even when you can't have what you want.

I'll just fight for one more try each time to get to you.
You can call me crazy for that moment in time, just so you can hate me.
I'll never let go of the idea of loving you.
Just so you know.
It seems pointless.
You seem clueless.
You are. I am the only one who gets this.
But then again, I am the only one that loves like this.
Wishing I had just one more try.
Would I tell you this time?
If I could go back, I would.
Oh how I miss you.....

It was a terrible night. I kept trying to find you in my dream. I would see you, and just like that you were out of sight. God, I miss you!
Why won't this just leave me...this nagging emotion. I am so tired of losing sleep over a hopeless cause. Why do I keep feeling like I need to rescue you, find you, love you, need you? Just when I think I am over you, I'm mistaken.
Death to the thoughts and dreams of you. Death to the need for you.
O Love, leave me soul.

In an effort to subdue the insatiable appetite for love inside me, I have found heartbreak and pain. My house is in shambles, and so it is with my life. I feel more unloved and rejected than I ever have. I brought this upon myself; there is is no one else I can blame. Sure, I can tell you that it stems from the lack of real love from my parents; who never felt loved themselves, and therefore, didn't know how to give it. I am an individual who can make the decision to love or not to love. I ask myself though many times, why do I love so much. I have had friendships that I have poured my entire heart into. They have never worked out. I feel like I give them my life, and they have much better to worry about. What I have to offer is not important anymore. Should I not expect love in return from someone?
I loved. I never told him that I loved him. The way that things go in my life..I wonder if he would have even cared.
Am I worthy? Really? NO.

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part." ~John Mayer