Nothing prepares me for these emotions...
At the end of the day, I am still thinking about you.
I am still thinking of you the moment I wake.
I swear I dream about you, but more than half the time I don't remember all of my dreams.
There is no doubt in my mind that I am still in love with you.
I have for years, at least 10, stuffed my feelings here inside a blog, down in the deep, dark somewhere.
You haven't done anything special, you haven't been anything but professionally yourself.
I see glimpses of a relaxed you, a funny side, a less stressed side.  You are so reserved.  You are on a mission whenever I am around...
But lately, I keep seeing glimpses of the real you, the deep down you, the you that yearns for connection.
I promise you, it is there.
All my fears flood in... at once.
I feel like I am reading the greatest mystery novel ever known to mankind.  The one where you think you have solved the age old mystery, but the punch line, the enigma still stands there staring me boldly in the eyes.
I can't tell if there is anything there... there is so much chaos in between. 
I feel like the first day I started blogging... hopelessly head-over-heels in love, with no voice, and scared to death you couldn't care less...
The other night I lay awake for hours considering the risk it would be to tell you-
I could tell you, spill my heart out to you and hear the following:
I had no idea you felt that way...
Oh gosh, I don't know if I came across a certain way, but I don't feel that way...
That's nice..you're so sweet...
I'm not sure what to say...
I'm married...
Me too..
Silence.

Either way... it's risky...
And to each of those, I could reply:
I've been silent for SO incredibly long.
I know....
I'm married too.
I've known WHAT to say, but couldn't for SO long...
You are seriously the kindest soul I have EVER met...
I have never wanted to come across that way, tried to maintain a professional tone, always!
I have no idea how you feel...but here is my heart... all of it...every. single. ounce.

It's risky because at this point there is nothing we can do...even if you actually felt something for me...nothing can be done about it.  We are living in two different worlds, lives, heck- realms!
But it amazes me that those worlds keep tangling together ever so often... like every blue moon.
Still there is nothing we can do... morally right.

So, I will stay here in silence a while longer... maybe forever... and not say one word about how I feel. Not one word about how I love you completely, totally, and cannot breathe sometimes at the thought of how much I feel for you.

I am risking being found guilty of loving another... but someday I pray I can surrender my heart.