Journey, Day Three:
I haven't blogged since before I started this journey. And if you have read this, you are probably wondering where my journey is to. But I ask you, does a journey have to be somewhere? Why not Someone?
I am on a journey to someone. I will find her. She does exist. And she is beautiful. She is amazing. Her heart is so full of love that she could burst.

Today was difficult. I found myself indulging in the idea of returning. Why I would want to forfeit leaving the path to someone great, I am not for certain. But it takes discipline on my part. I am to follow certain rules. Certain guidelines. Any of which, not followed, can lead to my demise. I am suffering from headaches, dizzyness, and sleeplessness. I must buy a gimungous bottle of ibuprofen today(note to self).

Also,I feel like I am missing out on sharing a special love that I need in my life. There are only certain people who have this love. Only certain people get it. Only certain people can handle it. Others try it, and it is not for them. They either do not like it, or plainly don't know how to share it. Some have it, and never know until they find a kindred spirit to share it with. Those who don't understand it, don't want to take their time. It takes time. It takes a deepness. It is both refreshing and peaceful. It is exhilarating and exciting. It's erotic and unique. And I wish I had a kindred soul to share it with.

Regardless, my journey is not about that. It is what I think about a lot. I am not trying to find that kindred spirit. But it may be someone I find along the way, without purposefully seeking it. A few things I want to think about today are that: Age is irrelevent and Sleep is overrated.
Both are neccessary, but I could do without much of both.
When I was 21 I was very much involved with a 47 year old. Age was very relevent then, but it didn't seem to be at the time. If I thought about that now...I am 30 and he is a drunken, pool-playing/gambling 56 year old. He has not grown up. He wasn't grown up then. And neither was I, but then again, I was only 21. When I say Age is irrelevent, I mean that it is not important to focus on how old we presonally become. (I am not talking about relationships. Relationships and age are relevent on a different level.) We have all heard the phrases, "you are only as old as you feel" and "young at heart". I usually feel "young at heart", but I am feeling quite old lately. I am not sleeping and not as energetic as I once used to be. I am remembering most of my dreams. And while most of them are mild, some of them are terrifying. There are moments when I feel like there are great walls closing in on me and suffocating me. I can barely breathe without feeling tired or sad. I don't think that it's exactly depression. But I don't know what it is to be called.

It is a deepness. A darkness. Something I can almost feel in the back of my throat. Something that keeps me awake, tossing and turning. Something that makes this journey much more difficult to accomplish. But in the end, I feel like it will be gone. It is like a burden. But I don't know what the burden is. I aim to find that out on this journey and relieve it. I am pressing forward, even if it feels like I am dragging the half of me.

The Journey Begins!

I start a journey tomorrow. I may fail the very next day. In which case, I will need to start again. But I start the journey tomorrow. I cannot wait to go. I am searching for something. I will find something. I don't know what it will look like exactly. But I know what I am trying to find. I know what I think it looks like. It will be a hard journey. Full of blood, sweat, and tears. It will hurt like hell. I will hate it by the end of the week, and then love it the day after. It will be hard to keep going. In fact, I may try to turn around or sluff off the path at any given moment. I know this, because I have done it too many times before.
My journey starts tomorrow. I wish I had a companion along the way. But I think this is one I will have to do myself. I have tried to take friends before, and that has never worked. They were never looking for the same thing. So they always jump ship before it gets to deep. My sails will be broken and my ship will tip over a few times. But in the end...let's hope I am not cap-sized and drowned in the misery of my same old life again.
It's a quest. A journey. It's hell. It will be heaven. It will be miserable, it will be glorious. I will fall down a million times. I will pick myself up a million times.

Tomorrow....I start my journey, alone.

November rain

Shhhhhhhhhhhh....
The quiet solace.
I heard each and every drop fall as I lay awake in the dark of the morning. I could hear it tapping on the windows. Tap, Tap....tap, tap. I thought of you. I wrapped myslef up tightly in my down comforter and dreamt I kissed you. I lay still and felt the cold raindrops fall upon me. I revelled in the warmth of an embrace.
Shhhhhhhhhhhh.
When I woke there was still no sun, but daylight. But it rained a November rain all day today. And I thought of you.

My heart on my sleeve...

Oh how I wish that I could waste away the time
And tell him that I want him to be mine
To hold forever in my arms
To keep him safe from the harms
That life keeps throwing him out of line.

We keep dancing around the issues at heart,
But I can't tell you how I wish we weren't apart
It's not the right time,
Will it ever be right?
I wish I dared to tell you where my love could start.

If I could just reach you where you are
And you could see my heart that far
I am hidden away inside this tomb
Created in my mother's womb
And Oh, that I hate, I can't tell if you care.

Faithfully, I run home each and every night,
But instead I wish I had you to hold me tight,
I wish I could say all I need to now,
But the truth is, I don't know how;
And if I did, it would never be right.

I see you standing alone, and I'm fine.
When your standing with her, I wish you were mine.
I wish I could steal you away with me,
Have some fine wine in maybe, Italy,
Oh that our hearts for each other would pine.

I'd fall asleep in your arms in a heart beat,
I'd die for your life to keep.
And when the day is done and there is no more
I'd love you still, walking out that door,
Knowing you'd return at the end of the week.

Problem is, you don't even know it is you,
You don't know that I long for us two,
I want the longest, sweetest kiss,
Standing alone in prevocative bliss,
While I'm remembering all my dreams that ensue.

You need to know that in that first moment I saw you,
I saw your heart, and I wanted it, I connected with you...
And on this November day,
I just needed you to hear me say,
That I want you more than ever before, I need you.

I hope you finally read this tonight,
For whatever reason you haven't just yet,
I hope that you know that it's you,
The one sitting alone, yes, you...
And the biggest smile of confusion on you I'll bet.

You are asking yourself, if it is you I mean,
And yes it is, I am telling you now so it seems,
My heart is open, and my life is too,
All I want is to give it to you,
I am tired of remembering you only in a dream.


I am wearing my heart, on my sleeve....

Today

Today is election day. But for me that is not my greatest concern.

Today, I wish to live simply.

Today I feel like screaming. I feel like crying. I feel like using all the martial arts I know on someone, no, not something...someone. But someone who can dish it back and suck it up when struck. The anxiety I feel today is unbelievably great. And while I feel all of this at once, I say nothing. I just type. I write in this blog. It is the only thing I can afford to do at the moment. It is the only thing that I have time to escape to. I am watching my house become cluttered with everything! I want to live in a box. I want a one room apartment with a nice plush bed, a couch, a small t.v., a decent stereo system for blaring my music, and plenty of floor space, so I can dance and fight until my hearts content. I want distance. I want solitude. I want simplicity. And I want it all black and white. I want one glass wall. I want one lamp, one chair, one table, one dining set. I want one bottle of soap and shampoo in the shower. I want one bath towel. One pan, one skillet, and one baking dish. ONE. I want space. I want to be able to have white carpets. I want crisp white sheets. A white down comforter and black pillows. I want a PO Box and no mail at my house. No papers to clutter up my space. I do everything electronically anyway. So, of course I want that laptop(the one I dream of having some day!).

Life is way to complicated. And I just want to live deliberately and freely, simply and peacefully. It may sound lonely, but that is what I want right now, this very moment.

I want to find myself again. Although I sound selfish, I am just tired and done with being passive.

"To be simple is to be stupid, but to live simply is to understand."