I MISS YOU.....

Because of You

I fell asleep in your arms last night...or so I dreamed.
Because of you I rested well.
I have had the most sleepless nights lately.
School and work has been stressful.
I am doing ok, enduring it, but not resting like I should.
It has been since spring since I have seen you, briefly.
My heart aches for you, misses you, longs to see you again.
All it took was the thought of you to bring me peace.
I could hear your voice and imagined that I felt your embrace,
Even though I have never actually felt it's warmth or touch.
Your eyes, your smile, your embrace...they were breathtaking.
Because of you, my heart is broken.
Because of you, my heart feels alive.
Because of you, I love.

The Girl that has to fill the Silence

Watching from across the room,
I wished that I could stand close to you,
Your eyes piercing through my soul,
Your heart shielded by a weight.

How long must I have to feel this way?
When will I forget you exist?
When all I can remember is your laugh,
It’s enough to bring you back.

Feeling like my feet are dragging,
Not really sure as to why that is.
You make me feel this way.
You make me forget everything else.

I can’t breathe.
I find myself gasping for air.
This room is crowded, but I only see you.
My mind is cluttered with memories.

How can I move on?
What am I supposed to do?
I haven’t seen you for so long.
Does it even matter anymore?

I have seen you cry, even just a little.
I have heard you laugh.
Your heart on your sleeve,
Your mind on hope and despair.

I miss you with each passing day,
Even though it feels just like yesterday.
How could I let you slip by-
Without telling you the truth.

I am in love with you.
I always have been.
Yes, I love you.
Even now, every day, every time I remember you.

Oh Come, You, October Life

August is nearly over.
Thank God.
I have had about enough of this summer.
The mornings are fresh with new air, heavenly dew, and the scent of fall.
October is near.
We have yet but one more month for this journey.
Then you and I find ourselves another year older, another year wiser, and and another year apart.
My thoughts are never far from you, my heart still misses you.
I saw your name in an address today.
So many things to remind me of you.
It has been a while since we have spoken.
I always worry about you at this time of year.
You, like me, start falling with the season.
The trees change their color.
The earth changes it's light.
The skies are low and misty.
This is where life begins.
It is our time.
It is our moment.
Revive me, oh, October life.
Strengthen me.
Make me lift up my face and see the October sun.
Bring him back to me that I might see him, oh, just a glimpse, a moment.
Make it long.
Make it slow.
Take my beating heart and make it quiet as the stillness of a soul in love, loud with passion.
Free me of my summer pain.
Oh October life, I will stand here waiting for you to love me still.
Be this, the year of change.
The year of life begun.
Awake my soul, you have slept too long.
Oh come, you, October life, and love me.

Funny how things work...how things happen.
I haven't been able to sleep for days. I finally fall asleep to the sound of your voice or how I remember it to sound. I look at the clock and it's 3 a.m., and I lay there still wide awake. I toss and turn, toss and turn, trying to figure it all out. I can't get comfortable. If I turn the fan off, I am incredibly hot..but with it on, I am fiercely cold. I just wish that you were there encompassing me into your arms. I wrap the sheet around me, so that there is barely anything touching my skin. The comforter is to heavy. I fall asleep somewhere around 3:30 a.m....and awake again at 5 a.m. freezing. I am immune to the warmth the sheet has given me and must retrieve the comforter. Again, I lie awake...thinking of you.
It's hard to explain. I wish that I could just tell you. Wish that you knew. I saw you sitting there last night, in my dream, just as you were the first day we had a real conversation.
Oh how I have missed you.
You have been on my mind constant and sure.
When I see your parents, as I did yesterday, so close, so personal....I see you in them. It makes me miss you that much more.
Will I never be able to tell you this? When and if I do, what will you say? How would you react?
I miss you.....forgive me....but I do.

I thought of you lot this week...especially today..
For no particular reason.
Just thought of you.
I have missed you. Wish that I could see you.
That might be a bad idea...my heart would probably only break that much more.
I thought of your laugh...your smile.
Why did I have to fall in love?
There was nothing and there is nothing I can do about.
Love knows no boundaries though. It just happens.
It takes a person to stop it from coming into fruition.
I miss your eyes.
They pierced my heart.
You have no idea how much it hurts.
Knowing that I never told you, wishing that I had...
But knowing that I couldn't...
I love you today the same as always...you will always be in my heart, Love.

Dreaming Again

I keep having dreams that won't leave me be. You are just standing there behind me. You aren't who you have always been. You are someone new. I see your face, hear your voice, and you are familiar to me. It is almost as if my subconscious wants to play tricks on me. It makes me think that I want you, even though I have said that I don't. Each time though you are different. I am surrounding myself in the people I know. I really don't know you enough though. You are still a mystery to me. One day I see you, and you call me beautiful. When you stand behind me, I feel the closeness of your body against mine. I can't breathe. I want to find air within you. I turn my head half way and feel your face against my shoulder, my chin, my cheek. You wrap your arms around my waist and I find myself gasping for more air. I can't breathe again. You aren't the one I fall for...but how I wish I could feel the warmth of your being and the sweet kisses from your lips. They taunt me. They speak to me, words of one before me. You smile at me and my heart turns soft. I know that in a second, without a thought of hesitation, I'd surrender to this fall. I'd never ask more of you. I know we live seperate lives. But the thought crosses my mind daily. What would it be like to whisper in your ear, while in your embrace. To resist not those sweet lips that speak volumes of knowledge. To tell you to take me, even just once. To tell you of the desire that runs through my vains. I shudder with excitement at the thought of your caress. The feeling of your slender fingers down my spine. I whisper once more your name. It's too much. I am weak. I am frail. I am broken. Behold it is only a dream. I fail to fathom it's entirety. Onward I march, left to be dreaming again.

Someone Like You by Adele

I heard that your settled down.
That you found a girl and your married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
It ain't like you to hold back or hide from the lie.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.

You'd know how the time flies.
Only yesterday was the time of our lives.
We were born and raised in a summery haze.
Bound by the surprise of our glory days.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over yet.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead", yay.

Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regret's and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.

"Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day."
— Mark Twain

While there are days I could agree with Mr. Twain there...Sometimes, I would rather eat a frog...

I have been trying to find the words to express how I have been feeling lately, and I am truly at a loss..my heart feels lonely, like I am just wondering around on my own.
My love has found happiness, even if it be temporary, or maybe I just wish it to be.
I've been lost in some realm of depressing colors.
My favorite colors are black and white, sometimes grey.
I wonder what that says about me.
I should love colors like red, yellow, orange, even green, or blue...
But I love black.
I love grey dismal rainy days.
This may be the reflection of the color of my heart.
I wonder if it is the color of a broken, worn, unloved heart.
I try to fill it with non-prescibed medication.
Nothing works. Not even an affair or two.
Not even the smile of another friend's face cures the black hole seething inside me.
They are all blind. I started to show my opaque color and when they started to see it, I covered it quickly with new skin, tougher looking skin, skin with upward muscles that make me look like I am smiling.
I look perplexed, in pain, and blind when I face myself in the glass mirror each day.
I know that I am alive, and I will be fine. I just wish this life I have, wasn't mine.

How funny it is that I would see you just last night...
In the back of my mind, I thought it a possibility.
There you were...real, normal, married...
My only regret is never having told you long before of how much I loved you.
I had no idea then how deep it was,
Now I know that it is deep...
My heart fluttered, but I was okay with it.
I was happy to see you happy.
Unconditional love is that way...happy even when you can't have what you want.

I'll just fight for one more try each time to get to you.
You can call me crazy for that moment in time, just so you can hate me.
I'll never let go of the idea of loving you.
Just so you know.
It seems pointless.
You seem clueless.
You are. I am the only one who gets this.
But then again, I am the only one that loves like this.
Wishing I had just one more try.
Would I tell you this time?
If I could go back, I would.
Oh how I miss you.....

It was a terrible night. I kept trying to find you in my dream. I would see you, and just like that you were out of sight. God, I miss you!
Why won't this just leave me...this nagging emotion. I am so tired of losing sleep over a hopeless cause. Why do I keep feeling like I need to rescue you, find you, love you, need you? Just when I think I am over you, I'm mistaken.
Death to the thoughts and dreams of you. Death to the need for you.
O Love, leave me soul.

In an effort to subdue the insatiable appetite for love inside me, I have found heartbreak and pain. My house is in shambles, and so it is with my life. I feel more unloved and rejected than I ever have. I brought this upon myself; there is is no one else I can blame. Sure, I can tell you that it stems from the lack of real love from my parents; who never felt loved themselves, and therefore, didn't know how to give it. I am an individual who can make the decision to love or not to love. I ask myself though many times, why do I love so much. I have had friendships that I have poured my entire heart into. They have never worked out. I feel like I give them my life, and they have much better to worry about. What I have to offer is not important anymore. Should I not expect love in return from someone?
I loved. I never told him that I loved him. The way that things go in my life..I wonder if he would have even cared.
Am I worthy? Really? NO.

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part." ~John Mayer

Lie your head upon my chest,
Feel the rain within my heart;
The storm starts brewing at it's best,
To tear your soul apart.

From whence it came, no one knows,
It's dark grey cloud blinds your eyes,
It's strength invites both friends and foes,
Til your sould begins to fly.

It steals the joy from your heart;
It takes the love you're after.
It swirls again with such great art,
Enthralling bits of laughter.

Angry winds being to boast.
What could be but simple love;
Hurts the one it loves the most,
Descending from above.

lately

I have been thinking of you a lot lately. I had a dream last night about you. You were sitting there with me. We were in a very quiet secluded place. There was snow on the ground as I looked out the window from the room we were in. I was upset. I started pacing back and forth. I wasn't ready to let go of something. You were sitting on a bench with your elbows on your knees and your face in your hands, running your hands back through your hair. You seemed frustrated with me. You were trying to be patient with me. I heard you say, "I understand." I remember that my heart was feeling very anxious. It was heavy with something. I was sad. In the back of mind, it seemed like I was depressed. Something tragic had happened to me. I kept trying to think of what it was. I had nothing. You stood up and stated, "I just want to hold you now, just for now. Can't that be enough?" I stopped watching the snow fall outside the window. I glanced at you. The room was grey-white, and nearly blue. It was a bedroom. You were standing there with brown khaki pants on, bare feet and a white linen button up shirt that was only half way buttoned. Your eyes focused on mine. Your hands pale and trembling, but open as if to ask why you couldn't just embrace me. Your skin was gleaming. It may have been the red-orange crackling of the fire behind you, but you seemed so warm. I wanted to just run to you and embrace you. I stood still. I couldn't move. My heart seemed like a thousand pound anchor holding me to the floor where I stood. I felt the tears swelling in my eyes. I glance out the window again, saying, "If I can't understand myself, how could I possibly believe that you can understand?"
You started to walk slowly towards the bed. You sat on the edge and crossed your arms, shaking your head. Then you said, "I am not here to hurt you. I am here to relieve you of hurt and pain. You have to let go. You have to leave winter and meet me half way. What more do you want than me standing here with arms wide open, to take you as you are and not hold back?" I started to tremble with tears and sobbing. It had been so long, if ever, that I felt like I was loved. How could you love me, I thought. After all these years, how could break away from everything that you knew and love me.
Then I woke. I always wake just then. It is almost as if I know it's too good to be true. As if I have just pinched myself, to make myself wake up.
How could I believe that our two lives collided for a reason, and now there is nothing. Absolutely nothing. Will it always be nothing?
I miss you; terribly miss you. I don't know what to do sometimes without you. I still look for you every Sunday, hoping that maybe for some unknown reason you will show up, without her.