So after writing things out and "talking" things through so to speak through my blog, I have realized two things. I am never going to have a chance with said love, and again, must reiterrate that I have a happy man in my life willing to stay with me even though I feel slightly buried in this body. He seems to love me still and I never know why.

I am getting over it....very slowly, but surely! Doesn't change a bit how I have felt. It does however make my life a bit easier knowing that I live for a purpose.

That is really all that I can say today...not many words today.
Everything happens for a reason! (sigh)

This is it. I am writing it as if he were reading it. I hope that he does. It's time that I write him a letter. It's time that he knew.
Dear Love,

You have no idea how far my love goes for you. You cannot fathom that it could have happened so quickly and that I could be so sure of it. But know this, I am. Sure as the day that I was born, my love for you is real. I have been struggling for the last week terribly. The news of your recent engagement has made me realize that reality is about to set in once again. I'm sitting in your spot at Starbucks. The one you often would sit in. The one that I would sit across from and ramble on and on as though you wanted to hear it all. Though you may have thought I was a head case or mixed up, or what ever word you thought of, I have to tell you that I couldn't help it. I was and have been head-over-heels in love with you from the very moment I laid eyes on you.

You may ask me when that was. We were at the fair. You were wearing a long coat, fantastic shoes and an ivy league cap. You had a woman at your side that most women love to hate. You introduced her as your fiance or wife; that I cannot remember. My head was spinning. All I could see was your beautiful face. Your smile and your voice tempted me. I was lost in thoughts of you from that moment. Your name impressed me. I have never heard that name before, and never from anyone else since. You were living in Chicago. This was before any of us had children.

When I worked up at the county building I would stamp just about everything that came in with which court it was to go. I saw your name cross my desk. I remember the divorce papers. I remember feeling horrible for you and just sitting there staring at the paper with her name first, verses you. She had filed them. I probably sat stunned for a few minutes. How could you be so horrible that she would leave someone so beautiful. So unique, and amazing. The feelings I felt the first time flooded my mind once again. I was flushed with feelings of anger at her for leaving you. I was emerced in my feelings of pity, but love, for you. I missed you that very moment. I knew that you had lived in town. I knew where too. I had delivered pizza one night to her when you were away.

I want you to be happy. Your joy is what makes me happy. I used to enjoy sitting with you and talking between services. It would make my entire week. I would float on a cloud until Saturday, and come Sunday I felt like nothing was more important than seeing you. I know that I should have been looking forward to the fellowship with God and His people. And I did. But I always had another reason to go to church. It was you. When you weren't there I wasn't as happy as normal. Now I feel like I am rambling again. But what I need to say is that we did have a connection. I know that you felt it. You even said it. I scared me when you realized it and voiced it. We were feeling a lot of the same emotions at the time. We could relate to each other and theat meant the world to me. But it scared me. Here I was sitting at church falling in a deeper love with a man I already felt strongly for. I couldn't read you. My feelings took over. From the moment I saw you in Starbucks and you asked me about my nieghbor girls, I feel my better judgement was impared.

I couldn't tell if you felt anything towards me. You probably feel nothing. I had hoped that you would. From things that you said, I felt like there was something, but I was scared. I wasn't sure if that was me reading into it. So I tried to gracefully walk away. The hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

And then I met her...the new one in your life. I have to tell you that I took a second glance, as I thought how much she resembled your ex-wife. I couldn't even look her in the eye, knowing that I was in love with you. I avoided you for a long time. I always kept track of where you were, so that I could be a few steps ahead or behind. I tried to be nice and talk to her. But she was and still is one of the most emotionless people I have ever met. Maybe to you she is more. But you would think that she would try to get to know the people from your hometown. Even this Sunday at the funniest clip at church, she didn't even smirk with emotion while the rest of the congregation roared in laughter. When I see her there she doesn't even talk to your children.

All I want to know is are you really going to be happy with her or are you settling for someone because she pays you attention now. Will she be your forever? Why did you wait to tell me when she wasn't around that you were engaged? Why did you propose on New Years Eve? Of all days, that is one of the most predictable. It makes me wonder if you felt like you needed to, if you were scared to be alone, and thought you had to, or did you really want to??

I wish I had time to tell you to think this through, not because I am in love with you. Rather so that you can ask yourself if you are really, truly in love with her.

Love, I wish I had a chance to love you. The way that you deserve. Our lives will go on though from here and you may never know this. You will and have made the decision you feel is right. For your sake, Love, I hope that it is. I pray that it is. I will still be there on the sidelines, cheering you on. I will be here whenever you need me. I will leave you to your happiness. I will miss you incredibly. Even when you right there in front of me, if you remain there. Maybe you are moving away. It will break my heart. That's ok.

I love you. I do. I wish you knew. I wish I could just tell you. Not that it would make a difference. None the less, I do. I love you every day, every moment, when I am waking or sleeping.
Peace and happiness to you, Love.
Peace most of all.

Sincerely with love,
Mandy
Eve Interrupted

P.S. It is time that I tell you that this blog was created because of you...it was and is the only way I can move on without telling you everything face to face. Most of it's content is about you. I miss you already, Love.

It's 130 pm and I am feeling like I miss him already...
Like he is Gone! Even though he is still around, I feel like I have lost him...
And what is pitiful, what is sad... he doesn't eve know.
He has no idea of how his news has affected me.
He has no care, because he doesn't even know how I have always felt.
I wish I someone to tell me that I am doing the right thing.
I know that I am, but it would be nice for someone to affirm this.
Feeling very lost and confused...wondering how I let myself get to this point.

At this point, I am not even sure what to say. I blink and it's as if the whole story I knew was going to happen is happening. It is so predictable. I knew that it would be just as it is. A proposal of the most ordinary kind. I am at a loss for words. My heart sank. I still have no idea why. I am still attached, but it still felt as though it were a blow. It would be nice to know why I feel this way. I feel animosity, jealousy, and conviction. A Tuesday...really....who does this on a Tuesday!!?? When I have more time, I will express more of how this situation effects my well-being.