With many thoughts in my head,
Sleeping will come soon;
It is probable that you will cross my mind,
And when you do,
I will fall asleep at the sound of your heart beating once again.

I was hoping you would give it one more try.
One more chance to make it right.
All I can think of is how you make me feel tonight.

Nothing matters at this moment.
Nothing seems to make me fear...
And it is what I long to feel
I just want you to understand one thing
You are more than just a one time deal
You're a friend and a fellow man
You're a kindred spirit that I adore.

I was hoping you would give it one more try.
One more chance to make it right.
All I can think of is how you make me feel tonight.

Our moments of inspiration are not lost though we have no particular poem to show for them; for those experiences have left an indelible impression, and we are ever and anon reminded of them. ~ Henry David Thoreau


Where does it all come from? The inspirations for which I write, they have a reason. I am not limited here to say only certain things. I am inspired to say what I think here. I feel freedom at it's best here. This place is supposed to be safe. And even if your not the most fluent writer, I encourage anyone to have a blog. You do not have sign in as you under your real name and no one particular person has to know that it exists. There are people that may come accross it from time to time, chances are they don't know you. But you may inspire them. I have actually had a few comments from people that I don't even know. They read this and think, "Oh my God, I can relate". This is for them, for you and for me especially.

It is important to have an outlet. It is crucial to have a place where no one judges you for feeling human. Even if it is just one sentence a day or a small paragraph, write it out. There is a writer in all of us. Some just sound more fluent than others. Some, they just sound like regular people voicing thier opinion. Either way, you will feel better.

For me, describing the pain I feel inside is always so vague. I let you know that it's there and I hint at some of the reasons why. But I consequently have not purged it out in full color. I am sometimes embarrassed to think of even doing so. I am in love with no one. I thought a month or so ago, I was. But like everything else in my life it is not so. I love my husband, I would defend him to the death. But I am not in love with him. I don't know that I have ever been. I have no idea what love is. I was never shown Love as a child... I have always been judged.

I see things from a different perspective always. And that has always brewed trouble. I have always tried to find the good in even the difficult of people. And people who cross me soon again become friends. I am forgiving eventually. This is definately a fault of mine. While it is a good thing to forgive, it is basically the recipe for a door mat. I never hold the other person accountable.

I feel like I am lost. Like I am just wondering around with no true friend, no reason to live. I live for my children, they are great part of me. As some people do though, and pour thier entire lives into them, I am not designed that way. I do everything for them, yes. But I teach them independence. I teach them perserverence, and how to get back up when they fall down. I kiss them and send them on thier way. I don't pamper thier every beckoning and sometimes I feel bad about that. But other than that I am losing the will to do anything. I feel like my purpose is gone. I am not a normal woman. Not in the least. Or maybe I am. I have no idea.

The only inspirations I have anymore are love lost...I can't figure out exactly why I can't shake that feeling. I know what causes it. But I am still trying to fill a void in my heart. I am falling....completely, totally, desperately, willing falling. And I don't seem to care much anymore. I just wish that it was understood by the ones I needed most. They have no idea who I am. Only you in blogger world can relate. Only you who are slow to judge and look at the whole picture. I am tired. So tired of trying. Losing doesn't seem so bad anymore....

I love this song.
And the following is lyrics to another I love.

Lyrics by Keane: Somewhere only we know



I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh! Simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place, we use to love
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of

Oh! Simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So If you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Oh! Simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you gona let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So If you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
So why don't we go

This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Webster decribes guilt as a feeling of culpability for an offense or an action. Culpability is the same as being blameworthy. Being blameworhty is being the one deserving blame. The only one here deserving blame is me. At first it seems like an offer you cannot refuse. It soon then can turn into something that only makes you feel empty. Webster describes a feeling of emptiness as the lack of reality, substance, meaning. A hollow feeling.

The hollow feeling turns into the search for a filler. Something to make the pain subside. Just like a pain-killer. It takes care of the pain for a while, but the injury is still present. When you wake up the next day, you feel it all over again. You must find the pain-killer and take it, just to get some relief. That is why pain-killers become addictive. The relief and release you feel is intoxicating. It makes everything around seem better than it is.

While reality must exist, and a state of conscience, there is room for dreaming and momentary lapse of reason. Not everything has to be so rational. Not everything has to be logical. The only problem with not being rational is that your state of conscience usually kicks in and starts making you feel guilty.

In the events that have recently taken place, one would think that I feel this guilt. What if I don't? Does that make me irrational? Do I lack that state of reason that causes mental clarity? Or am I so lost in that hollow feeling to care?
Again, refrencing Webster, he describes a feeling of being lost as a feeling of not made use of, claimed, or won, no longer known, possessed, ruined physically or morally. If this is true...then yes, I am lost.

I feel like I am trapped in an abyss. I am not worthy of anything but blame. I have let my life be ruled and governed by everyone else around me. I can't sleep at night. I can't breathe. I feel like I am suffocating. I feel like I have lost my way.

But I do not feel guilty. I do not feel it one bit. I am to blame, but not feeling the guilt. I think I justify it in my mind as something to keep my sanity. It's what helps me cope with who I really am. What I am really dealing with.

Every person deserves to be loved. At one time or another in thier life they will find someone they will love. But love never lasts. It is always conditional. And when you make a commitment to love someone forever...you dig yourself a grave filled with dissapointment. It will be the death of you. It is a poison that runs through everyone's viens and the only way I can make it stop burning is to find a temporary pain-killer. It fills your being and intoxicates you. Then when dissapointment of mundane, unfair, unending hurt exists, the heart turns to stone. It breaks. It gets super cold.

Then you don't feel the guilt like you may have before. You don't have room for it. It becomes easier to lose yourself in that lapse of reason. And it makes you want it more.

What I am trying to say is that while I don't want anyone to feel guilty, because I don't, they are not to blame. I am. But with that said, it is my drug of choice. I can't help it. When it looks so iviting, and it's so mysterious, and there is no commitment, it is what I want. It is my pain-killer. I know it's not the cure. I don't want it to be. It just helps me to feel better momentarliy. At this point in my life I will take it if it means I can have you for that moment. We are just two friends helping each other out in a time of our lives. With different motives, it still does the same thing. It kills the pain, even though limited.

What I am trying to say is that while I don't want anyone to feel guilty, because I don't, they are not to blame. But with that said, we all have a drug of choice. We can't help it. When it looks so iviting, and it's so mysterious, and there is no commitment, it is what we want. It is our pain-killer. We know it's not the cure. We don't want it to be. It just helps us to feel better momentarliy. Even if it means we can have it for that moment. It kills the pain, even though limited.

It's Complicated....

We meet many different people in our lives. We get to know some really well and others we remain acquainted with. Have you ever met someone though that was an acquaintance and there is just something about them that keeps drawing you back to them? Those are the ones we get to know well. They become our friends, maybe even our enemies, and sometime our lovers. When you meet them, you just know...you can feel it.

Because my parents moved me around the eastern side of the United States all of my life, I became accustomed to making new friends quickly. This has helped me out tremendously in the line of work and friends made along the way. Friends are a great things to have. They are someone you can talk to, vent to, and relax with. But every now and then you fall for someone like no other. You think about that person constantly. You cannot get them off your mind. And the dreaming begins.

I usually never say anything to the people I think this way about. After all I am married. But sometimes those feelings are so overwhelming. So I write them down or type them here in this blog.

Recently I began chatting with someone I barely know. I can't stop thinking about this person. There is something about him that that pulls me in, something that makes my heart smile. I never see him, but it's like I can hear his voice even though I have only heard it briefly once or twice. I can imagine his smokey blue eyes gazing into mine.

There have been dreams. I can't explain them. I don't know why they occur. The subconscious thought becomes a virtual reality and I am able to have what I want there in my dreams. No consequences. No strings attached. No worries. I can feel his touch, his warmth, his heart pounding against mine. Best of all I can feel his lips brush across mine continuously. I touch his face and feel his smile with my fingertips. His eyes close and he draws me closer. I feel like staying in this embrace forever, never wanting him to leave. I wish for that momentary reality with him. We slowly sway to the sound of the rain, which seems like music leading us in dance. Soon we are so deep, we fall from grace. We lay beside each other. We hear, see, and feel nothing but one another. Intertwined in each others arms, listening to the rain and feeling the warm, safety of this moment, I feel at ease, at peace there. I feel amazing. He is amazing. His sparkling smokey eyes tell me everything I need to know.

It's a connection with certain people in my life. Some come and go. Very few know I feel this way. It's humiliating to think of telling them sometimes. I keep my heart closed. I only tell those that I think can handle it.

So I ask, can you handle it? Can you handle a temporary escape from reality? Can you handle a no string, no commitment ever kind of feeling? Is this view complicated? It can be done. It's up to the other person.

All I know is that while dreaming, I fell asleep in his arms last night while listening to the ending of a rain storm. I felt his comfortable, strong embrace around me, and gazed into his beautiful eyes once more. He reached down and kissed my lips softly. Then He kissed the top of my head and held me tight, resting his chin against my temple. I slept peacefully, if only for a few hours.

When I woke this morning, the first thing I thought of was his touch. I didn't want to move. I wanted to revisit it again. I know that I will again soon, and I cannot wait.

Friends come and go. Lovers and almost lovers will stay with you forever. You can always feel them close. You may not see them, but you never lose them. The connection remains. They live in your dreams.