Jeff Buckley- Hallelujah

I love this song...when they bury me, I want this song played as they lower me into the ground.

Porcelain Heart, by Barlow Girl

Broken heart one more time
Pick yourself up, why even cry
Broken pieces in your hands
Wonder how you'll make it whole

[Chorus:]
You know, you pray
This can't be the way
You cry, you say
Something's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine

Someone said "A broken heart
Would sting at first then make you stronger"
You wonder why this pain remains
Were hearts made whole just to break

Creator only You take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again

What shall I paint for you today?

I painted a picture today.
It had you in mind.
It's sky was brilliant.
It was grounded in solid rocks.
The waves spoke in eloquent form.
It's mountains reached highest heavens.
It's valleys were full of peaceful streams.
You were there.
As if I were looking down from far above,
I could see you.
You were happy.
You had no more tears, no more pain.
Your smile was bright,
I knew that you had found something.
I tried to think of what it might be,
I wanted to paint it there with you.
I thought a while about what to stroke,
My brush in hand, my paints in the other.
So I painted an eagle in the sky for a while,
Until I could get it right.
"What might make you happy?" I thought.
I painted a tree and then a steer.
I was lost for a moment.
Why can't I think of something to make you happy?
I want it to bring you peace.
I want it to bring you joy.
You need it live each day and night, even when your away.
You must have it by your side,
You will keep it in your heart.
But I am lost, so lost this moment.
I don't know what to paint for you.
I wish I could ask you to help me.
But this, I shouldn't do.
Tell me, tell me, what do you desire?
What would make you happiest?
What shall I paint for you today?

Politics, Olympics, and my Robin Williams

If you ask me who I a voting for, I couldn't tell you. I have no idea at this point. I watch and listen. I try to see both sides. But honestly, as many may agree, I am not thoroughly impressed with either party this election.
While I commend McCain and his POW days, and Palin in her powerful "lipstick" speeches, I don't know if them running the country is the greatest idea. Don't get me wrong, they are great. But McCain is aged, and if something were to happen to him, Palin would take his place in the presidency. I wonder how great of a moment that will be. I am all for women and thier rights. But when it comes to a leader of a country, I would prefer a man. A man is more rational, not as emotional.
Then we have Obama. I am not sold on him one bit, even with his very happy looking family. I feel like he is a product to be sold and not the leader that we need. His perfect smile, his peaceful demeanor, his rational thoughts...they seem so sureal.
I have heard the rumors of his connections with his muslim backround and I remember them warning us they would attack us from the inside one day soon. He may not be the one, but what if he was?? I shudder at the thought.

I enjoy the fact that Sarah Palin is portraying a real family...screwed up and all. But that doesn't divert from the fact that she looks like she just came from a pageant.

Anyway,
I have a clip here that I really enjoyed the other night. Robin Williams starts out talking about George W. and ends up talking about Obama in the end...with a bunch of crazy nutty stuff in the middle...that's my Robin!



I guess I have two more months yet to decide...

A couple thoughts

When things seem to turn out right, something always goes wrong.
I am an optimist by nature, but lately, not so much.
I find the Garden of Eden to be a myserious place, where peace begins and love remains. It is the forbidden room in a mansion's west wing. It holds the keys to life evermore. It was the beginning of the end.
There was nothing to worry about there...or was there?
How did this serpant, so undetected find his way inside the garden, inside Eve's heart, and capture her soul?
Who are the serpants in our life? The ones that lead us in a different direction. The ones that talk us out of going the right direction.
What is the right direction? Does anyone really know? Every road leads to somewhere...but how do we know were it leads until we get there?

On another note:
I am frustrated tonight at the road I am on. I am tired. I am so angry with people. Everywhere I turn, people in my life let me down. They are so unloyal. They never say what they mean. They speak out of two sides of their mouth, and when caught, they act like it's my fault.
I am so tired of being the peacemaker, I am tired of turning the other cheek. When is it time to call it quits and throw in the towel? Is it ever time?
I trust everyone. I trust them until I can't. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and treat everyone with dignity and respect. In return, I get rejected and turned away. I get forgotten.
This isn't a "woe is me pity party time". It's a time where I just feel like screaming! My heart hurts so bad it doesn't know what to do anymore...

Tonight

Tonight I cannot breathe....
I cannot sleep...
I am filled with angst.

My eyes have beheld his beauty,
My ears have heard his voice.

But he is as the fruit on a tree so forbidden...

I am not at peace tonight.
I will toss and turn all night.
I dream with my eyes wide open now.

Eve is losing her grip...
She cannot take it anymore..
She is ready to fall...
Will someone catch her before?

If I had no scars

If I had no scars from healing,
I would have never known the pain...
That has built me what I am today.
My life is not in vain.

I trip and fall, I scrape my knees...
My hands are ripped and bleeding.
Words of advice run through my head,
I haven't taken to heading.

My heart's been crushed and broken,
My viens exude and poor out the venom.
I scream, I cry, I kick, I fall...
In life's great big phenom.

I suffer for a cause today,
To live my life within a means...
One that was given, by a sacrafice..
I am scarred for life it seems.

I am so confused....
I am soo torn.
I want something I can't have.
I know better.
I am really trying to maintain happiness here in the current situation.
I do not feel contentment anymore and it's driving me crazy!

It has occured to me...

Recently, it has occurred to me that I have had a most interesting year. Last year at this time, I was getting ready for a funeral. My husband's uncle had passed. I took a day of bereavement. I wish now that I had not done that. My boss was even at the funeral even though she was receiving text messages and phone calls during the service. Mind you this is a woman who was in a high position in the court house. She is older than my mother by almost 15 years, and should be ready to retire soon. Anyway, when I came back to my job on Monday, the one I planned to retire from, she let me go. It was completely devistating and I was so suprised. I asked her what for. Basically, I was "too nice". She accussed me of laughing one day(3 mos. prior to this day), and said that she just had to stick to her decision. She was too proud to admit she was wrong in the end, because after I talked to her about some things, she said that in my postion "would have done the same thing I did". That day, I began a seven month discovery of what it's like to be a stay-at-home mom. I did not want to continue with that, as much as I love my kids. I just couldn't stay home. After seven months of looking for just the right thing, I landed my current job at a dentists office. I keep running into my old boss everywhere. She is after all a long time family friend of my husbands side. This summer, I was challenged when I spoke to her the first time after she fired me. She asked me if I had obtained the job at the dentists. And in true form, when I confirmed that I had, she took the credit for giving me a great review, which she thought must have instrumental to my hiring. (Obviously, thinking I am incompetent on my own). I just politely said "Thank You", while all the while cringing inside, as I cannot stand people that speak out of both sides of their mouth on purpose. But I didn't, as it was obvious that a higher power was taking matters into his own hands, as she sat in her wheelchair that day. She had slipped and fallen, and broke her leg pretty bad, shortly after my departure. It took months to heal.
But in all of that here are the things I discovered:
I am not an organized neat-freak mom, who enjoys watching TV all day, eating bon-bons and doing laundry. I have to be out somewhere in the community, pulling people together.
I am stronger than I was a year ago, both personally and spiritually.
I am resilient, and able to stand alone if need be.
Sometimes, waiting for a long time, has the greatest reward. Thus the phrase:"Good things come to those who wait."
Literally, "What goes around, comes around!"
And, you know, I am "too nice", but damn proud of it!!
Last but not least...I can't wait, for some 'nice', real people to move into the White House and make this country finally feel like home.
Maybe none of those make any sense all together, they are random thoughts.
But all because of one life changing experience, I am who I am today.

Hero Needed

Written Summer 2008

She was heart, she was soul,
Her mind was full of thought-
Never had she been so alone-
Never had she felt so invisible-
She was bright red...
How could she not be seen?
How could she be forgotten-
Why was she so far away?
No one even noticed, she keeps it together,
She holds it all in.
She was bleeding peace, Inside screaming "war"!
She didn't want war, it was just there inside her.
It was a war in her soul-
Should she be herself, she may die.
No, she would surely die.
Her nerves were shot, even her eyes twitched.
She wants to tell him.......
He is right there-right outside-
And she can say nothing.
She is forbidden by right of law,
By papers signed, a vow
Not that she wishes to change that
Because it is in it's sense a wonderful thing,
Yet it contrains her to be someone she has forced for years.
It has become comfortable-it has been secure.
She wouldn't want to lose it for the world
It has been the one sure thing in her life.
How could she change it now.
But why, why is she so torn?
Is it her turn to cry?
Is her river to just run it's course, then dry up and die?
Is it to run dry with only one love?
Why not two or three- or why at all?
She cannot believe that this is it.
She sees something different.
Almost like she knows-
Almost like she can feel the uncertainty to come;
The unpresent nature that she dreads.
But like it's also there haunting her life, maybe her death.
No life can change that much that she coul not see it coming,
Breaking free.....
That would be bliss.
Still quiet her soul as it would appear outwardly
But inside, it is screaming for more...more!
There is such a hole that would not be filled-
And then to encounter death-
Surely then all would break-
No hero could put those pieces together, they would grow weary
He could try his best, but would nver have the whole her-
He eventually would be lost too.
He would have already given al he could,
And no peace would come of this-no joy.
He would not be happy.
So she is doomed, destined to tell him so,
So hat he may spare himself the weary trouble-
Why then must she let him suffer..
She nor he will ever be happy.
She must let her hero go.
His bright and shiny smile!
His eyes so light, yet weary-
She must let him go, before it even becomes of her...
She will love the hero she has now, she will love the one who loves her now
She will be happily forged not forced into his comfort
His arms wide open-his quiet strength known
His patience
His breadth, depth, heigth of love are marking.
So true -but maybe lost-
He must be the only one for her, now and forevermore.
He says he loves her even in her weakness, Even in the tomb that she is trapped in.
Nothing else compares to a quiet, simple, steadfast love like his, in sicknes
or in health.
So, he bing true to his word-
And she has been so blind to that until now.
She is such a fool
While she isn't herself He remains to keep his word-
He is open, honest, and true
And it takes the breath away...
Of the one who loves her most-
Although this gives her some peace-
She still feels that there are unresolved dilemmas
Soon must be addressed-
she is still that tool...
The object, not the love of his affection-
all she wants to know is how to become that,
That which he loves more than anything,
That which he can trust,
which he can embrace and intimately love...
He kisses not her lips.
He withdrawls, what is he so afraid of
that he can't just be one with her?
Is it that he was one with another and there is no going back?
No moving on...no other "one"?
Why, and how can that be??
That is just not fair!
What did I ever do to deserve such lack of love?
It shouldn't be this way.
Why should I settle for less, when I deserve so much more.
I used to deserve it, maybe not so much now?
I have let so many things go, so many!!
But I used to deserve it, I used to believe that too.
Love became corrupted...
But when?
It is no longer and maybe never was pure and complete.
I must stop dreaming a better dream and be happy with the one I have-
I have a great dream, but it could be changed just a little
New love would change everything and everyone...
but our same life would still exist, our same home, same family, same jobs...
But better, so much better...
I want and believe we can have so much better...
So, How does this happen?
Where does that start? With one simple choice.
But shouldn't every one make that same choice?
One cannot stand alone, but two can stand as one!
when does that begin? Can't that begin now, right here?
I am selfish...
For wanting anything more than I already have...

Lifehouse has me pegged...

Click on the YouTube clip above. Don't forget to turn my playlist off before you start. These two songs, Broken and Storm, I added to my playlist because they are the songs that describe me best and I love them. Enjoy!

If I should wake before I fall....

Some people have told me that the feeling of falling while you are sleeping is a severe sign of stress. That if you actually where to hit the ground you would die in your sleep. And that's why we wake up before we hit the ground.
I ask these things....HOW in the hell do they know this? Who has fallen, hit the ground, died, and then rose from the dead to tell about it??? Seriously, this is absurd.
BUT maybe the theory is true. We always wake up in the middle of falling, we never hit the ground. Do we? No. We are in enough conscious mind to wake ourselves up and keep from going splat!
So, then I ponder this...If we are falling because of stress, and stress isn't exactly coveted or wished for, then why don't we just let ourselves fall to the ground and end it all? OK, that sounds morbid, like a death wish or a suicide note waiting to happen. Exactly! That is why we wake up...no one really wants to die. Stress or no stress, life is most important here.
If I should wake before I fall, it's because I choose to live.

Just for the Record

No matter what I write...one thing is for sure...I do believe in God, I do have faith in Him, and I do believe the Bible to be completely truth, Eve and all....
As a human, though, I struggle to abide by it's every command, and that is the turmoil of this blog...I question myself...not whether the Word of God is true or if it's just another story book...I know better! I feel that in my heart for sure. I know that the Word is God breathed through the words, pen, and paper that God gave men., certain men.
I do believe that there are 'mysteries', if you will, that we will never understand. I do think that some things are harder to make sense of than others. But I also believe that God reveals certain things at certain times....Otherwise, it would just be a story book that everyone understood and nobody talked about anymore...
No, there is something new in it every day! And the old stuff never gets old...

Where I'd rather be 9/08/08...

I am wishing that I was horseback riding in the woods...with a friend. Riding towards a creek just nearby, I can hear it even now. Stopping a while to sit on our rock and talk. Sitting there watching the water ripple over the rocks and listening to nature sing it's afternoon song.
Before I leave, feeling a friends lips brush mine. Closing my eyes and thinking of nothing else but that moment...

Something to ponder

So, as I sit in Starbucks this evening, reading and listening to my mp3, muti-tasking at my best, I was also thinking....yes, dangerously thinking.
As a woman, I am considered to be of fairer sex and expected to play such a role. I am to be the helper, the wife, the mother. These three titles carry more weight than it sounds. I will explain:
First, the mother: While easy as it can sound this title, is not just the 'mommy' that kissess and patches up boo boos and makes hot cocoa on cold winter days after she has bundled her little ones up for the fifth time, because something got to cold, or something itches, or the two potty breaks, or something got to sweaty...it's not just the meals that you make fun, the pretend picnics in the living room on rainy days, or the wild crazy dancing to kid songs when dad's not home to see how ridiculous mom can really be... Rather, it's the undying love, the unconditional love that exists only in a woman who has a child to call her own. It is the warm embrace after a really long, hard, frustrating day. It is the "I love you, no matter what!" moments and the cupcake icing kisses with extra slobber. And, incidentally, it is when they piss you off so badly, and all you want to do is scream, and pull out the last few greying hairs you have(even though you have coloured them numerous times, and have no idea how many you honestly have for sure!) Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done, but the easiest thing to love doing.
Second, the wife: This is a job. Or at least, I believe it is. In talking with friends and co-workers, I have found that woman are expected to fill this role as if we were scullery maids running around a household, catering to our beloved man's every need. And doing it all the while with a smile...can I just sing"badabadba, I'm lovin' it" for you? Seriously, who signs up for this job? Every woman who has ever signed a marriage license! Ok, so don't get me wrong, being married has it's perks, and while most woman would rather not have them from the mid 20's to the 40's, I personally love the perks. But I really hate the men that expect it from their wives as if it were a wifely duty...and if you haven't figured out what I am talking about, look the word sex up in Webster's...yeah, it's one of those definitions. My husband, treats it differently than a wifely duty, but that is another blog...trust me. It's not easy being a wife, keeping up with the poster cover wives and stepford wives. Making everything look like a piece of cake and keeping that man as happy as boy in a Wrigley Field!
Third, the helper: Ok...seriously, this is Betty Crocker and Mrs. Smith's rolled into one. I cannot tell you how hard it is to keep up with laundry, the dishes, the cooking, the cleaning, the job outside the home(or jobs in my case). Thank God for Betty and Mrs. Smith. What would I do without them?? Lose my friggin' mind for sure! We are supposed to help our men and children with homework and finances and such.
Now, I am done with what sounds like bitching...although, that is really just a list of one days work...
Tell me, now, how am I the fairer sex?
Personally, I know that I can be, not willingly, but I can be.
But while I am conquering the world with my three titles, I am LOST!
Where have I slipped away to? What about me?? OK, sounds selfish...
But very true...
I have no idea who I am anymore...because I created someone else.
Maybe that doesn't make any sense. I mean, I get the whole "you made your bed, now you have to lie in it" theory. But seriously, I never signed up for anything knowing that it meant I had to sacrifice my heart, my mind, my body, and even perhaps, my soul.
That in itself was a selfless act.
Now I am getting to the point where I will lose myself completely, if I don't take a few steps back and concentrate on what's eating me up inside.
I am choking to death on the words that I can't spill out. And I am suffocating myself to keep the peace.
I have wounds that are still bleeding deep inside, and scars that prove I may be fair, but am I strong.
I sympathize with Eve...she had the weight of the world on her shoulder in that one moment. And she left it all behind, for what? A taste of something forbidden....hmmm???

She is yet now Crying inside, written 04-22-08

She was a stature of love, She was a pillar of peace,
her heart beat with love, her faith was great,
She embodied with grace, she was a woman of heart;
A woman of soul.
But, she was lost...
She was lost inside of a tomb, a vain tomb of deceit.
It made her seem someone she wasn't,
She was perceived to be a person she was not.
Her heart was broken, Her love was torn,
She bled with tears of pain.
She hated the way people saw her,
At first glance she was pittied.
But really she was fun and endearing, intelligent, classy, loved by many.
But yet so lost in this 'casing',
This casing that consumed her.
She hated it, despised it, considered it the ugliest part of her being;
The blackest part of her heart shone thru.
She wasn't faithful to herself.
She had let herself go, let herself be lost, let herself die outside,
Let the pits of grim embody her appearence.
Why can't she change, she thinks...
Why can't the cycle be broken in her,
What preevents her from being that beautious woman that is on the inside?
The one screaming to shine thru?
Is she vain to want to look the same inside or out??
OR....Is she nieve to think that the inside is as pretty as she thinks-
Maybe, just maybe, the outside reflects the inside.
Maybe it really is as ugly as it seems.
Maybe it hates just as much or hurts more than she want to admit and believe.
Maybe she stops here and thinks it's true....
Maybe she is sad, hopeless, a wreck, a mess...who needs a hero-
She often dreams for that hero, it's her deepest desire;
For someone to pick her up and take her in his arms-
Yes she said his, but whose?
She isn't quite sure, but she wishes he would understand.
She would finally feel comfort and not disdain there;
Not feel as though she is a tool, but a true companion, a person.
She wants to be loved more than anything else.
She wants to be received, not rejected.
She wants him to take her gently, mold and and make her beautiful-
On the outside, and then, and only then would she feel as though her inside
Was great, peaceful, loved, and needed.
How perfect must she be for this to take place?
She fails as wife, as mother, and gives up as the 'lover' of her mate.
She hides from the real pain, even in front of her hero...
Why, he must not know, or he might discard her, he will not love her always.
He will find ways to hate her.
He will find ways to avoid her, to love something else more,
To crave another's grip, another's affection instead of her own.
Her scars are to deep, She will lose him too.
No hero can live and understand her pain also...
She can't let go, or understand it herself;
How can she expect the same from him?
But, Oh, to be loved....
Really, truly loved, every inch of his body, loving every inch of hers.
How could he, she wonders, when it looks like this grave?
What on earth would he see in her?
What does anyone really, truly see in her?
They are lies...all lies...
No one really knows, she doesn't even know...
Where is her Hero? Where is he? What takes him so long to figure her out?
To acknowledge and love her, even in her deepest, darkest, daily grave??
She need to be rescued from herself...she is falling,
Nothing is vain until it bleeds,
Until it breaks open, until it is fed what it is craving!
Let her fall asleep again dreaming that he is there to cushion her fall.
He is there to save her, to allow her the chance to be heard..
And when he does- Her voice is now clear.

Why EveInterrupted3-1?

If you recall in Genesis 3:1, the fall of Eve begins. Her declension into temptation and the desires of heart unfolds. How did he tempt her? I often wonder. Was his voice hushed and seductive? Did he touch her? Did he wrap his his tail around her wrist and pull her hand up to the tree as he enticed her? What drew her to that tree?
We know that she was without sin. We know that she had not one evil thought in her being. She was made from Adam, who was made by God. Until this momentous turn of historical events, she was in fact, The Perfect Woman.
What then, interrupted her? A serpant? The very firey tongue of Satan himself, I am convinced. I do believe his voice was seductive. He stood upright before he was cursed, (Genesis 3:14). He walked towards her with one intention. To deceive, to entice, and to watch the very fall of mankind. He tempted her with the only thing she knew was "wrong", the forbidden tree in the middle of the garden.
She lost herself in his words, she lost her life in his hands, and when her lips touch the sweet nectar of that fruit, she brought us all to the grave. What a burden to carry for the rest of your life, knowing that you were the first one to condemn the entire universe. She not only was interrupted herself, she interrupted Adam, and the circle of life. The order of everything was changed forever. (Genesis 3:17-21)
I aslo think it is most interesting that the first thing that they both realize is thier sexuality. To me this intriguing. Why worry about a naked body at this point? It was just the two of them. Had they not used their bodies at this point to pleasure one another? Now all of a sudden, their entire mindset of their bodies changes and they see the difference between their loins and are ashamed of it. (Genesis 3:7-11)
So why am I intorducing this blog as Eve, Interuppted? Because somewhere along the line, we all get interrupted with the temptations of the heart, or the seductive pull of hushed voices and provocative sensations that run deep in our viens. Until one day we feel like we have lost our sense of being, our sense of soul. We dream better dreams, and desire for them to come true without hurting anything or changing the order of things in the process.
But here lies the problem: For every 'dream come true', orders of life as we know it, always change!