"Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day."
— Mark Twain

While there are days I could agree with Mr. Twain there...Sometimes, I would rather eat a frog...

I have been trying to find the words to express how I have been feeling lately, and I am truly at a loss..my heart feels lonely, like I am just wondering around on my own.
My love has found happiness, even if it be temporary, or maybe I just wish it to be.
I've been lost in some realm of depressing colors.
My favorite colors are black and white, sometimes grey.
I wonder what that says about me.
I should love colors like red, yellow, orange, even green, or blue...
But I love black.
I love grey dismal rainy days.
This may be the reflection of the color of my heart.
I wonder if it is the color of a broken, worn, unloved heart.
I try to fill it with non-prescibed medication.
Nothing works. Not even an affair or two.
Not even the smile of another friend's face cures the black hole seething inside me.
They are all blind. I started to show my opaque color and when they started to see it, I covered it quickly with new skin, tougher looking skin, skin with upward muscles that make me look like I am smiling.
I look perplexed, in pain, and blind when I face myself in the glass mirror each day.
I know that I am alive, and I will be fine. I just wish this life I have, wasn't mine.

How funny it is that I would see you just last night...
In the back of my mind, I thought it a possibility.
There you were...real, normal, married...
My only regret is never having told you long before of how much I loved you.
I had no idea then how deep it was,
Now I know that it is deep...
My heart fluttered, but I was okay with it.
I was happy to see you happy.
Unconditional love is that way...happy even when you can't have what you want.

I'll just fight for one more try each time to get to you.
You can call me crazy for that moment in time, just so you can hate me.
I'll never let go of the idea of loving you.
Just so you know.
It seems pointless.
You seem clueless.
You are. I am the only one who gets this.
But then again, I am the only one that loves like this.
Wishing I had just one more try.
Would I tell you this time?
If I could go back, I would.
Oh how I miss you.....

It was a terrible night. I kept trying to find you in my dream. I would see you, and just like that you were out of sight. God, I miss you!
Why won't this just leave me...this nagging emotion. I am so tired of losing sleep over a hopeless cause. Why do I keep feeling like I need to rescue you, find you, love you, need you? Just when I think I am over you, I'm mistaken.
Death to the thoughts and dreams of you. Death to the need for you.
O Love, leave me soul.

In an effort to subdue the insatiable appetite for love inside me, I have found heartbreak and pain. My house is in shambles, and so it is with my life. I feel more unloved and rejected than I ever have. I brought this upon myself; there is is no one else I can blame. Sure, I can tell you that it stems from the lack of real love from my parents; who never felt loved themselves, and therefore, didn't know how to give it. I am an individual who can make the decision to love or not to love. I ask myself though many times, why do I love so much. I have had friendships that I have poured my entire heart into. They have never worked out. I feel like I give them my life, and they have much better to worry about. What I have to offer is not important anymore. Should I not expect love in return from someone?
I loved. I never told him that I loved him. The way that things go in my life..I wonder if he would have even cared.
Am I worthy? Really? NO.

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part." ~John Mayer