"Livisms"

My daughter Olivia said the funniest thing the other day. While we were hanging out in the tent trying to camp out the other night, my son pointed out that we were going to be completely frozen "like ice cream". So my daughter, without a second to spare replied to his comment with, "Well, then I would lick you!"
I about died in laughter. It was the funniest thing she has said in while. She has these funny ways of seeing things, and saying things and it cracks me up. She will not call my mother Grandma Becky, even though now she can say that clear as day. But she used to call her Grandma "Ducky", because she thought that is what we said. So that is still what she calls her. And the show "Little Einstiens" is still "little Shine-shines". Just because.
So today, I asked her: "Liv, if I was an ice cream cone, what would you do?" She replied, "I'd lick you!"
I love it!!! She is gonna be a hoot!!! I can't wait to hear what she comes up with next.

Wisdom from a Panda

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"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that is why it is called the present." Kung Fu Panda

I love history, love mysteries, and love presents, both giving and receiving...maybe more so in the giving. I read something that challenged me today. I had to ask myself if I am happy with where I am at. I think that in some ways I am. In others, not so much. In that moment, I also realized the things that I am happy with are the things that I can change with positive results. The things that I am not happy with are things that I cannot change without consequence. Apart from the physical being of myself, I am happy with who I am. I am at turmoil with the life that surrounds me. Who I want to be someday, and who I am now are two very different people. But I cannot have one without the other. I must walk through these moments in my life to accomplish the moments ahead. I must overcome the things that pain me, to find real joy in the end. I want to be more of what I am, and more than I am. I need yesterday to get me to tomorrow. I must have today, to make it better than yesterday.

Today is one day closer to tomorrow.

"You can't make me say something I don't want to say"

This was the response I received today when I told my husband that I loved him.

I said "Hey, I love you.", while grabbing a hold of his arm and looking into his eyes with a smile on my face. After receiving no immediate response, I released him, and said "I do." (Thinking maybe he wasn't convinced.) He was looking at me with this stubborn gaze. As he started walking away from me, he then said "Yeah, I like you." When I replied with a "Thanks,that means a lot!", I was given the "You can't make me say something I don't want to say."

Who says that to someone??? I felt horrible. I just walked outside to go finish grilling the burgers for lunch and wiped the tears from my eyes before he saw and called me a baby for feeling wounded. (Which yes, has happened before. I quit crying in front of him a long time ago.)

I wish that marriage wasn't this complicated task! It is so damn hard! I was reminded today that all I ever do is compromise to make it work. I already knew that, but I actually said it out loud to a friend. The moment I did, I felt so defeated, so used, and so embarrased. I have another friend that says admittance is the first sign of recovery...not sure I want to recover from this one.

Stupid marriage contracts. Stupid love. But isn't it like they say... "Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all"? I feel trapped most of the time and while I try to shy away from the feeling of being confined to one love, it is the one thing that keeps me awake at night. It is the constant nagging feeling I get when I sit on the fence and admire the grass on the other side...

No one should ever say what the don't want to, but why pretend otherwise as well??

Tears....

I wish that I could just cry today... I have been on the verge....I wiped them all away at chuch today...but there is still that gut-wrenching expolsion that has not happened that normally does when a person really cries. I feel like crying, but I can't. I just won't do it...
I wish, that I could just cry today....

There are some days that I feel I am more alive than others....This, would be one of those days!

It never ends!

Just when you think you have it all together, you get a shot of reality....
As I walk through the house that still smells, no wreaks of fried Bacon that I made last night. It is the first thing I smell when I walk in the house. And the mess that still sits there because I had no time to clean it today. The laundry that I had to sort into small mounds by clolour that used to be one big colorful mountain all over my kitchen, hallway floor because I dare not throw them down the basement stairs or I will forget that I have laundry to do. I have a sink full of dishes and kitchen floor to mop and sweep.
But I have been cleaning all day....if you walked into my house and saw only my kitchen you would not believe me. I am now to tired at this time of night to clean it. I am heading to bed soon. And I will clean the kitchen tomorrow. While I clean the kitchen, my upstairs will, (I know this for a fact), yes, will be hit by a tornado. It is a never ending cycle of crazy motherly cleaning, and I am exhausted! Why can't I be wealthy enough for a maid!!!???
LOL