Compilation of Dreams

I woke this morning recollecting several disturbing dreams. They not only scared me, but made me think of why I had them in the first place. And there were several, not just one. I kept waking up and falling back to sleep, only to have one dream after another, that maybe had something to do with the last. One was of a man chasing me, and I fighting for my life. One was about a lover, lost. I held his corpse in hands. One was of my mother and father, and I was living with them, and caring for my children there, keeping them safe from some type of harm. One was about a doctor declaring his silent love for me, and me trying to explain that my love belongs to someone else. And last but not least, I had a dream about my kids and I living in Auburn, and the friends all around me. Now...I remembered these very vividly when I woke. And while I could see that they are somewhat like a story, one leading up to the other, they were completely separate.

The one of the man chasing me, was someone I knew. I knew him well. He was an old friend, and my first kiss. But he is now and has always been a criminal. I fell for him when I was very young and alone. He made me feel better, I thought. But he has been in jail for a long time. And this dream is a reoccurring one. I have it often. I dream that he comes back to find me. That he scares me, and tries to hurt me. He tries to reason with me that I was the only good thing in his life. In real life, not my dreams, he is very real. He really exists, and I am scared that he will find me again some day. He actually married another woman named Amanda. When I rejected him the first time, he wouldn't leave me alone and became obsessed with trying to get to me. He found himself in jail many times. So in my dreams, he continues to haunt me, and while I have learned to fight for myself, if needed...I am deathly afraid of what he is capable of doing. So I know where this dream stems from, but am so ready for it to be gone.

The second dream was of me holding a lover in hands as he breathed his last breath. I am not exactly sure of who this was, but I am certain it was my husband. The feeling I had was something of deepest sorrow. It was in grief beyond explanation. While I held his head in my arms and kissed his face a thousand times, and cried a river of tears, I could feel a sharp pain in my chest. I felt like I was being stomped on, like something powerful was sitting on my chest. I remember the feeling of rocking back and forth. I remember thinking: "How do I explain this? They are so little, they won't understand." I woke up. I don't know what he died from, I don't know how it happened. But I felt like it had been real. I had really been crying. I actually wiped tears from my eyes. And I sat up in bed. I had to think for a moment, making sure it wasn't reality. Of course, it wasn't.

The third dream was very chaotic. Anything with the idea of living my parents would be chaotic. I remember them arguing. I am not sure what about, but I am sure it was something to do with 'some one done them wrong' or 'money' or the jealousy they suffer from day after day. I remember speaking up and telling them that they were frightening my children. That we were going to the store and would be back later. While at the store, I encounter a very scary person. Almost like an evil spirit. It was telling me that I should never go back. That I was doomed to live a life of loneliness and despair. I scooped up the kids and took them to the van. We sat there for a moment, while I thought of what to do next. And I woke up again, very confused, very panicky, and almost sweating.

The next dream, was very strange. It had people I knew in it. A lot of people. I had a doctor asking me all these different questions. Prying into all my personal life and trying 'to figure me out'. And as I explained through sobs and stories, he told me he had something to say. It was important, and he wasn't sure how to tell me. But that a while back he had fallen in love with me. He knew that it would never work, but it didn't change the way he felt, and he thought I should know. I kept trying to explain to him that I was flattered, but not sure what to do with his declaration. That I was deeply in love with someone else and still suffering from the loss of another. I remember looking for the door, wanting to run away. And then I awoke. I know this doctor, but he is not my doctor. He is real, and I can never imagine him saying this to me, nor do I have any underlying feelings for him that I am wishing for him to return. So to have this dream was very, very strange.

Then my last and final dream was of me and my children living in the house we have now. We had a very tall fence around our yard. It was quiet, but I could the laughter of my children. I had the peace of friendship in my heart. My house warm, it was raining outside. I was baking something, maybe cookies. I was remembering my life. I was missing something though. Life seemed simple, but yet so complicated. Then, in a moment, I was startled. I heard the sound of someone knocking at the door. When I looked up there was someone there. My heart started to pound so hard I could feel it in my throat. I couldn't say anything. But I wasn't scared. I was happier than ever before. I opened the door and it took everything I had to find the words to invite him in. He came inside and after a long stare, and no words between us he grabbed a hold of me and kissed me. And then I woke up again.

I am not sure why I had so many dreams in one very early morning. But while I think I grasp what each of them mean and represent, in sight of just random thoughts in the form of dreams, my dreams are always this vivid. I don't know why. Some scare me, and I wake up very afraid. I make sure that Doug is still there, or go check on my kids to make sure they are still sleeping soundly in their bed. I wait and watch them breathe. Some stay in my mind forever, and return over and over again. Like they are threatening me, or maybe empowering me.

People often ask, 'well what did you eat before you went to bed?' But I can assure you it's nothing I ate or drank. Some tell me, I think about them to much, try to read to much into them. Maybe I do. While I think I could probably "interpret" them myself, I would love the input of others, to see if it is as transparent as I see it. Feel free to comment and tell me what you think...I am up for any thoughts on this.

One thing I do know...I don't sleep very well when I remember them. I never reach that deep sleep. So, I am, no doubt, very tired.

Embraced Forever

I wish I was sleeping,
I wish that I was dreaming.
All I ever wanted was peace and true love.
All I ever needed was a warm embrace.
And in that moment, he could not even give me that.
Slowly, I walked away.
Holding my heart in my hands as I left.
I had been holding it out to him,
As an offering of my life,
My devotion.
Now I was swallowing back the tears,
Holding in the pain.
Gaurding my heart.
I no longer felt the peace.
If only I was dreaming...
If only I could pinch myself and wake up.
Then, maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad.
Maybe, it would just be figment of my imagination...
An elaborate thought dancing in my mind.
But now, I don't think that is the case.
I believe that this is what despair is.
I know that this is what it feels like.
I have felt it before.
In the past, my resilliance has kept me afloat.
And again, I am sure that it will.
Still it must be said that my heart is wounded;
Bleeding, painful, and bruised.
Wake up, I wish to myself, wake up.

Then, as it were this dream...
I saw him, from a long distance off.
He was walking towards me.
His gaze focused on me.
With a change in his pace, he seemed to almost run to me.
I stood frozen..could this be?
Him, returning to me?
Had he thought about it, and realized I was worth it after all?
He began to bring his arms up, ready to embrace me.
I began to smile, feeling the warmth from his eyes.
He reached me and all at once place his hand around my waist.
He kept repeating , "Never again, never again...".
He began to kiss me and said he was sorry for being such a fool.
That never again would we lose each other.
Never again would we be alone.
His embrace is all I ever needed.
Now I hope that I never wake up!